The 2009 Season Championship Bout are this Saturday at the Expo Center. Doors open at 5 p.m. Skating at 6 p.m.
While GnR maybe aren't exactly skating in the "championship" bout, they are certainly skating in the Championships. And this bout against the Heathers won't be any different from their other bouts because the kick-ass bruisers of GnR skate every bout like it's the championship bout.
GnR have been very busy since their last bout against the Betties. (Yes. I just brought that up again. I'm sorry. We'll wait while you listen to "November Rain" again. See you in 9 minutes 12 seconds....) There's been the Portland Pride Parade, scrimmages in Rainy City, happy hour and cheap tickets, but I managed to get them all together (except for Hard Knox, who seems to spend most days in her pajamas, drinking and watching some Whitesnake video over and over) to talk about the last bout of the season.
Me: So, GnR seems to have been having trouble the last few bouts....
Viva Vendetta: Yeah, we've been livin' at a pace that kills, but you know how it is, right, you got to roll with the punches and get to what's real. I mean, we've been letting the other teams drive us wild—
Smack Ya Sideways: —but now we'll drive them crazy. She throws horns: \m/
Aurora Brutalis: Exactly. It's like we've been saying, "Show us everything you've got" and then just letting the other teams pull our strings—
Axl Blows: —We've let them twist our minds and smash our dreams out there.—
Aurora Brutalis: —but now what we're saying is "Hey, taste me, you will see how we're dedicated to killing you."
Me: So you're really ramping up the attitude out there?
Napalm Beth: Absolutely. This is the last bout this season, and now the time is here for GnR to spread fear.
Paradise Kitty: The other teams, I think they may think we've lost our minds, may wonder if we can see or are we blind, are we alive or dead, and why should they even care at this point, but we've been planning our vengeance—
Grace Lightning: That's right, Kitty! And I can't wait to fill the Heathers full of dread and see them running as fast as they can from us.
Fist O'Fury: Right, because if they think we'll sit around as the world goes by, they're thinking like a fool because at this point it's a case of do or die. And if you think we'll let it go, you're mad.
Gwen'nich Mean Time: Yeah, I may not be able to skate this weekend, but I just want to tell the Heathers, you've got another thing coming!
RollaReina: And I just want to say that I am a rocker. And the Heathers may have laughed at us or tried to make us feel inferior, but why? Because we rat our hair? Because we like animal prints? Because we wear bandannas? Well, we're rockers. And we're proud of it.
Aurora Brutalis: Hell yeah, Reina! We are rockers, and we want all of our GnR alumni—
November Pain: —like Rocket Mean and JahNasty and Vixen Mary and the Harmacist—
Punchkin: —and everyone who's ever worn Lycra pants—
Napalm Beth: —or acid wash denim—
Cher The Pain: —or held up a lit Zippo during "Open Arms"—
Aurora Brutalis: —whether you think you're a rocker or not, we want you to come out Saturday night and join us—
RollaReina:—Just join us. Because no one's really gonna be free until rocker persecution ends.
All the GnRs get really quiet then, and I'm sure I can hear "We Are The Champions" playing in the background. And then I feel my throat get a little scratchy and my eyes start to water a little bit. It's my allergies, you understand. And while we're ordering another round, I notice that a lot of the GnRs are also having the same symptoms: they're sniffling or rubbing their eyes or something. And it has been bad the last few weeks for people with allergies, so I'm sure that's what it is.
As we're getting our next drinks, and we all seem to be feeling better, I start asking questions again.
Me: You have several skaters that have struggled with injuries this season. Can anyone say something about that?
Itzo EZ: Well, not being able to skate is really taking it's toll. It's like people think I'm insane because I am frowning all the time. And all day long I think of things, but nothing seems to satisfy, you know?
Mullet: Oh, I know, EZ. For me, it's like I need someone to show me the things in life that I can't find right now. Right now, I can't see the things that make true happiness....
Sugar & Vice: Oh, Grant, now look what you've done to this rock and roll clown. Oh, look what you've done.
Me: Um, I'm really sorry. I really didn't mean to make Mullet cry like that. I mean, I hate to look into those eyes and see an ounce of pain... Anyway, without giving away any secret strategies or anything, can you tell me anything specific that you're lining up for the bout this weekend?
Blood Clottia: Well, I don't know how specific we can be about that. I mean, we've found the simple life ain't so simple, and we'll play our part and they'll play their game, but Mullet, she says we've got to hold on to what we've got—
Guts & Bolts: —and it doesn't make a difference if we make it or not...
Punchkin: That's true, we've got each other, and that's a lot...
Cher The Pain: For sure, we'll give it a shot—
Wrench: Oh, c'mon, Cher. We're halfway there—
Blood Clottia: Hey! We're not just "giving it a shot" and we're way more than "halfway there"! I thought we'd made up our minds, we ain't wasting no more time!
November Pain: That's right! C'mon, rise up!
Blood Clottia: Gather round!
Mullet: Yeah, let's rock this place to the ground!
Smack Ya Sideways: We're gonna burn it up! Let's go for broke!
Grace Lightning: We can watch the night go up in smoke!
Viva Vendetta: Rock on!
Fist O'Fury: Rock on!
Paradise Kitty: Drive me crazier!
Gwen'nich Mean Time: We'll get wild, wild, wild!
Cherry Lipsmacker: Yeah, together we can make it to the end of the line. Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time. (She starts to sing:) I don't know what to do, and I'm always in the dark; we're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks!
November Pain puts her arms around Cherry's shoulders and helps her down off the table: Um, Cherry, that's not a butt rock song. Remember how we talked about that?
Wrench: Yeah, Cherry. How about some Ratt or something?
Itzo EZ: Poison?
Axl Blows: Warrant maybe?
At that point, I decided to sneak out before any of them realized that I listen to a lot of The Cure and Depeche Mode. And that I have that Bonnie Tyler record on vinyl. I didn't want to find out how that might turn out for me.