Tuesday, March 30

GnR v. BnB

GnR's domination of the Betties began before the bout had even started on Saturday night: on very short notice, Cadillac's Mom showed her true rocker heart and stepped up to sing the national anthem. And she killed it.

(That we were still looking for someone only minutes before they would have sing does explain some previous national anthems—I guess some nights the question hasn't been "Can you sing the national anthem?" but "Do you know all of the words?")

The GnR hits also started early: for their intro, the GnR skated onto the track as glammed-up versions of the Breakneck Betties. No strangers to hair products or makeup (except when they're in Mongolia), the GnR traded their ratted hair and eyeliner for hot rollers and lipstick. What I thought was a hobby horse was, I have confirmed, a Chest-Nutz piñata that had been savagely beaten the night before. Cher The Pain was a dead ringer for Betties skater Domesticated Violence, though the rumor is that DV insists Cher was wearing far too much shirt to be her. And I think everyone in the hangar could clearly hear Marollin' Monroe say "Oh. My. God." as each GnR skated by, primping and preening.

Without a doubt, GnR dominated the pre-bout portion of the event.

When time was officially being kept, the GnR and Betties stayed close during the first period. Play then was often confusing (at least to me): lots of pile-ups, lots of skaters stumbling or falling for no clear reason, lots of skaters tripping over flailing skates, and lots of penalty situations where the call seemed to be "referee's choice." The first period ended with the Betties enjoying a narrow lead.

At halftime, in what I imagine was some attempt at retaliation for the GnR intro, the Betties had changed their derby names to silly things like "Napalm Meth," "Mel Cankles," "Lez Blows," "Cüntillac," "Hard Cox," and "Muffs So Furry." Really, I can't even imagine what some of those are supposed to mean. (Though I do have to admire the heavy metal aesthetic in the "Cüntillac" umlaut.)

Play appeared to clear up in the second period, but the Betties opened a wide lead early on. But they'd brought Rhea DeRange out of retirement (can we clarify that a skater knows what that word means before it's announced, really), and she burned up the track. Licker*n*Split had obviously eaten more nuts than usual and was shocking at full strength. And the recent experiments on SoulFearic ACID definitely paid off because after exposing her to cosmic rays, gamma radiation, various untested serums, radioactive spiders and other biting things, explosions in secret government labs, several museum collections of reportedly mystical artifacts, Los Alamos National Laboratory, Bikini Atoll, Area 51, the Hanford site, and a handful of random hazmat spills on I-84, she seems to have picked up a superpower or two.

Though GnR surged back in the bottom half of that period, they couldn't close the last 14 points, and the bout ended with the official score 107-93.

Despite the fourteen-point deficit, GnR skated rock-solidly. On offense, Blood Clottia and Cadillac both jammed well per their usual bit. Showing her increasing well-rounded-ness (no, she's not pregnant, sheeeeesh), Captain Cher The Pain put up points, and newcomer Boxcar Bethy showed that she's ready for full-price bouts not just the five-dollar scrimmages. Fist O' Fury rocked hard during her own power ballad jam. And Hard Knox kicked some ass wearing the jammer cap too.

Defensively, the GnR blockers—particularly as I recall, Mel Mangles, Mercyful Kate, Napalm Beth, Hard Knox, and Axl Blows—made up for the Betties run at the beginning of the second period by holding the Betties to just a few points while the GnR rallied. Axl—I've realized that you have to watch her carefully—was all over, closing open lanes and moving their skaters out of advantaged positions and into disadvantaged ones. I saw Punchkin get in several strong and strategic hits of her own. And, as Rhea herself said, Mel owned her during the second half: "I was always behind her ass," Rhea said, "I thought I'd got around her ass, but there was just more ass!"

So about this "loss." I've seen some claims from those in the Betties camp that this ends the GnR World Domination Tour. To them I think I need to point out that the World Domination Tour is not over until the world is dominated. And while Satan may be trying to renege on his contract, GnR has plenty of newly drafted skaters just in case another sacrifice or two may be required.

Furthermore, I think we need to look at the score this way: if each GnR gets just 1 point for their intro, that's fourteen points right there. And I'm sure that Cadi's Mom's national anthem was worth at least 5 points. Add those points in, and the final score is Betties 107, GnR 112!

Unfortunately, team introductions are not yet scored under current WFTDA rules, and as Speed Bump, I believe, pointed out, Cadi's Mom hadn't been added to the official roster.

So I have just three words for GnR: Un I Tard.

\m/ \m/

As usual, photos courtesy of Sharkey. Full set here.

[Post edited 3/31/2010]

Friday, March 26


Earlier, I had expressed some skepticism about the GnR having actually trained in Mongolia.

To my surprise, however, after careful investigation, painstaking searches, much bribery, and a tiny bit of deception, I have uncovered the following photo, which purports to be of Napalm Beth, Cher The Pain, and Punchkin enjoying a break during their training in Mongolia!

I'm still not sure I believe the bit about Napalm having cake.

GnR clobbers Betties tomorrow night at the sold out hangar!

If you don't have tickets, watch the stream live from the RCR site or at Kay's!

\m/ \m/

Monday, March 22

Why I Didn't Blog About The GnR/ECRG Scrimmage

Ok. It was over a week ago that GnR hosted a scrimmage with Emerald City's travel team, the Skatesaphrenics. And I was going to blog about it, but I didn't want to hurt the Skatesaphrenics' feelings or seem like I was rubbing it in or something because they were very, very thoroughly demolishedWreckdemolished. I mean, I hope that Emerald City had fun, but GnR smashed them all to bits, ran over them with a truck, tore them up into little tiny pieces, backed the truck up and ran over them again, and then stomped them into a fine powder. Final score (if I remember correctly): GnR 1752, EC 7.5.

But then I thought maybe if I included something about how, while the Fresh Meat swept all the ground up little broken bits out of the hangar, the GnR asked the ECRG very nicely if they would like to come to the after-party, that might make it okay to talk about their crushing defeat? (I definitely would have pointed out that the after-party was very well attened by the GnR. Except for Napalm Beth. Who was "tired." Or something.)

While that might be okay, what if I went on to talk about how Blood Clottia did her now cliché bit where she scores a fat pile of points? How would that go over?

Or if I also pointed out that rock-solid blocker Hard Knox also jammed several times and added some 419 points to GnR's total (again, just going by memory here)? Would that seem like rubbing it in? At what point would things cross the line?

I'm pretty sure that I could have included a line or two about how the Harmacist wasn't happy with Knox's performance because, despite Knox's 419 points, Harmie wanted more boobs—which puzzles me because, if what I've been told is true, the Harmacist already has boobs. (I'm pretty sure that ECRG would be fine with the boobs part, but wow, that would be using the word "boobs" a lot.)

So then I was thinking I could just blog about GnR's new skaters: Bella Massacre, Boxcar Bethy, Juvie Hall, and Knocker Brown. That's probably not going to make any of the Emerald City skaters cry or anything, right?

And GnR fans would definitely want some pictures, right?

I probably could have said something, for example, about how Blood once explained her "Diversity Strategy" to me, how she wanted to increase GnR's appeal to straight fans by recruiting hot straight skaters as well as hot gay skaters. But I've never really understood Blood's thinking here, so how could I write about that? I mean, I'm straight, and I find gay rollergirls just as hot as straight rollergirls. On the other hand, I'm already a fan, so maybe that's the issue? Or that I'm a stupid boy? Anyway. Maybe someone has an explanation?

On the other hand, how could I talk about the new GnRs without saying something about how Boxcar Bethy and Juvie Hall each scored a few hundred points (358 and 312 respectively)? That might be kind of mean, I think. Especially since, in their humiliation, the Skatesaphrenics even gave Boxcar a prize for all the points she scored.

So really, how much could I actually say without taking the risk that I'd hurt someone's feelings and, more importantly, prompt them to hurt me in turn?

I'm really sorry, but please understand that it just seemed safest not to say anything at all about that scrimmage, ok?