Friday, May 20

No, I do not hate the Heathers

I haven't posted recently because it's seemed like I'd just be saying the same thing over and over: GnR's great but they keep losing to better teams. Blah, blah, blah.

But with this weekend's bout against the Heartless Heathers coming up, several different people have asked me why I hate the Heathers, so I'd like to take this opportunity to clear things up about that.

Here's the thing: I don't really hate the Heathers.

In fact, I don't believe that I've ever said any such thing. No, I've never said that I "hate" them, certainly not that's been documented anywhere or that I can't plausibly deny. I actually have almost nothing but affection for many of them, and I think they should be congratulated for having never set anyone on fire (at least not literally) and for never having appeared at, which unfortunately can't be claimed by the GnR.

Unfortunately, however I might feel about the Heathers, we should all acknowledge that they are not without their shortcomings. Besides their admittedly cold and frosty natures, I'd like to point out that they are mean, maybe even a little bit evil. They also routinely use language that might be conservatively described as coarse, raunchy, and gruesomely explicit. And they smell.

It's true.

They stink. They reek.

They have an unpleasant odor.

The air around them is fouled.

A noxious pungency wafts from their direction. An oppressive fume precedes their appearance, and their absence leaves a rank effluvium.

The aroma of livestock and locker rooms dominates the Heathers' bouquet. Hints of caustic solvents and diesel fuel follow. It's possible to detect traces of brimstone and ash, perhaps wet dog or singed ape. The nose is reminded of childhood traumas, Victorian asylums for the criminally insane, festering wounds, and abattoirs. The harsh finish contains notes of urine and stale beer, and day-old sick lingers.

There is a stench. A funk.

With that said, I'd appreciate it if we could just put to rest this notion that I "hate" the Heartless Heathers. It's simply not true.


Note: Much of this post was not intended as a factual statement. Thank you.