Monday, December 21

Xmas Wishes with GnR

It's that holiday time of year again!

That means it's time for Smack Ya Sideways to put the Trans-Siberian Orchestra in the CD player and hit "Repeat."

Gwen'nich Mean Time and Grace Lightning will put on their favorite holiday sweaters.

Punchkin and Napalm Beth will hang a couple of fishnet stockings on the mantle.

And after a few too many egg nogs (which Fist O' Fury has spiked with a little too much bourbon), the whole team will tell old Santa Claus what he's going to bring them for Christmas if he knows what's good for him.

There were years past when the GnRs would put on the charm (and the Derbyskins) and tease poor Santa until he gave them what they wanted.

But let's face it, Santa's no Jon Bon Jovi.

He's not even Sebastian Bach.

Nope. He's older than David Coverdale, and he's let himself go worse than all of Van Halen put together.

And while the GnRs definitely prefer someone with a bit of experience, Santa's thing where he drops in on everyone over a single night is really pretty tacky.

And needy too.

Then nothing for a whole year?

I'm sure you can understand how quickly the GnRs decided that they'd had enough of that.

(Not to mention that quite a few of them were always more into Mrs. Claus anyway.)

Still, they do like presents.

Things didn't start off so bad. At first, it was just threats.

But last year, there was The Incident.

In their defense, the GnRs claim to have mistaken him for one of the Breakneck Betties. (If you've ever heard Marollin' Monroe laugh, you can see how that could happen.)

And really, who are you going to believe? Santa?

Or the Guns N Rollers?

\m/ Exactly. \m/

So this year, Santa's decided that he's had enough.

He is contractually obligated to hear their requests and distribute gifts, but he sees no reason to put himself in harm's (or The Harmacist's) way.

This year he's sent surrogates.

So pick your Santa Stand-In, and let's hear what you want this year!

Happy Holidays!

See you for Season Five in January!

\m/ \m/

GnR moving up!

A shout out to the following skaters that are now representing GnR on the Rose City Rollers Wheels of Justice and Axles of Annihilation travel teams!

Wheels of Justice

  • Axl Blows (GnR)
  • Blood Clottia(GnR)
  • Cadillac (GnR)
  • Chest-nutZ *
  • Hurricane Skatrina
  • J.K. Rolling
  • Layla Smackdown
  • Licker ‘n’ Split
  • Mercyful Kate *(GnR)
  • Mick U Cry
  • Mel Mangles *(GnR)
  • Mobi-wan-kanobi
  • Napalm Beth *(GnR)
  • Rhea Derange
  • Scrappy Go Lucky *
  • Scratcher in the Eye
  • Smack Ya Sideways *(GnR)
  • Sully Skullkicker
  • White Flight
  • Wreck Deckard *

Axles of Annihilation

  • Punchkin *(GnR), the newest member of Axles!

(* denotes roster additions or those that moved up to WoJ from AoA)

Thursday, December 10

GnR Unstoppable!

Guns N Rollers hosted I-5 All-Stars on Friday night at the Oaks Park hangar and delivered to them a beating not seen since Keith Moon sat at a drum kit for the Who.

If this was a preview of GnRs strategy for the Rose City Rollers 2010 season (and I really hope it is), that strategy has two simple parts:

  1. Hit the jammer.
  2. A lot.
Additional tactics will include (but are not limited to): hitting the jammer again, hitting blockers, hitting hard, hitting more, and so forth.

Besides new(ish) GnR skaters Suki Hana, Mel Mangles, and Evilia D Stroiu, the line-up also included Cadillac, Goodie Two Skates, and Sarah the tireless 7-year-old cheerleader.

Cadillac took advantage of her brief release from the oppressive restrictions of the Betties limited two-color palette to rock a daring mix of several animal prints.

Goodie looked like she'd just come from a casting call for Rock of Love Skate and out GnR'ed the GnR with so much wonderful awful.

(Brett Michaels and any other middle-aged, extra-eyelinered rockers pretending to look for love can direct their inquiries care of this blog.)

Sarah relentlessly urged the GnR to further hitting. She marched along the sidelines all night, throwing horns and chanting "G-N-R! G-N-R!"

Some even speculated that she may well be the true source of all of GnR's powers. Whether or not that's true, with her on their side, the GnR are unstoppable!

Imagine, one look at her, and rollergirls will simply dissolve.

All of L33t Speaking Missile's r4wr will be fail.

She will knock the wind out of Hurricane Skatrina and have Layla Smackdown on her knees begging, "Darling, please."

Even the Heartless Heathers will fall before her: Sol Train will stop in her tracks, and Mick U Cry, Mobi-wan Kenobi, and the rest will be able to do nothing but sigh and coo like Cherry Lipsmacker with a basket full of fluffy kittens.

And then they will all suffer the merciless hitting (that's what Smack says).

So while GnR may have failed to score two hundred points, they proved beyond any doubt that an ad hoc mash-up of skaters from Emerald City, Cherry City, Rainy City, and various Washington counties all thrown together into one giant grab-bag of feisty rollergirls are no match for them!

As usual, thanks to Sharkey for the pix! You can see his whole set here.