Monday, December 21

Xmas Wishes with GnR

It's that holiday time of year again!

That means it's time for Smack Ya Sideways to put the Trans-Siberian Orchestra in the CD player and hit "Repeat."

Gwen'nich Mean Time and Grace Lightning will put on their favorite holiday sweaters.

Punchkin and Napalm Beth will hang a couple of fishnet stockings on the mantle.

And after a few too many egg nogs (which Fist O' Fury has spiked with a little too much bourbon), the whole team will tell old Santa Claus what he's going to bring them for Christmas if he knows what's good for him.

There were years past when the GnRs would put on the charm (and the Derbyskins) and tease poor Santa until he gave them what they wanted.

But let's face it, Santa's no Jon Bon Jovi.

He's not even Sebastian Bach.

Nope. He's older than David Coverdale, and he's let himself go worse than all of Van Halen put together.

And while the GnRs definitely prefer someone with a bit of experience, Santa's thing where he drops in on everyone over a single night is really pretty tacky.

And needy too.

Then nothing for a whole year?

I'm sure you can understand how quickly the GnRs decided that they'd had enough of that.

(Not to mention that quite a few of them were always more into Mrs. Claus anyway.)

Still, they do like presents.

Things didn't start off so bad. At first, it was just threats.

But last year, there was The Incident.

In their defense, the GnRs claim to have mistaken him for one of the Breakneck Betties. (If you've ever heard Marollin' Monroe laugh, you can see how that could happen.)

And really, who are you going to believe? Santa?

Or the Guns N Rollers?

\m/ Exactly. \m/

So this year, Santa's decided that he's had enough.

He is contractually obligated to hear their requests and distribute gifts, but he sees no reason to put himself in harm's (or The Harmacist's) way.

This year he's sent surrogates.

So pick your Santa Stand-In, and let's hear what you want this year!

Happy Holidays!

See you for Season Five in January!

\m/ \m/


  1. Blood Clottia’s Holiday wish list...
    Better ass blocking skills and maybe some extra food to help build some weight.
    New wheels (Devil Rays)
    Faster Jamming skills (to keep up with all the new talent)
    New pair of black dance tights (size C)
    And a new girlfriend (Just Kidding- Smack)

  2. Dear Surrogate Santa Blood Clottia,

    for xmas this year, i would like:
    -Napalm to get her ass back. i really miss it.
    -Mercyful to realize that i am her one true derby love, ditch her other wives, and marry me.
    -to gain your eternal love and devotion, Blood.
    -to have CaddiWhack get fat and pregnant ;)


  3. Dear Satan-Claus,
    I'd really like to get that foreigner t-shirt back, you've had it since the '82 show in Frisco!
    And if you could put some kind a spell on that Mobiwan so she doesn't see me coming up in the pack, eh? That'd be swell.
    Napalm Beth

  4. oh...and tell Scrappy that she can help the return of my ass with cake. chocolate. with lots of frosting.

  5. Fist's x-mas list:

    Pink fishnets
    Acid-washed skirt
    Animal prints (and lots of it)
    Fastest feet ever seen

    Not too much to ask, right?


    Fist O'Fury

  6. Dear Santa,
    I've been very good this year, and barely hip checked anyone outside of derby. I'd like a GnR championship win in 2010.

    And please get Napalm some cake. I miss her ass too.


  7. Dear Santa,
    I would like the team and its coaches to all get tear-away track suits. For years I've been begging for this, Mr. Claus, what will it take for you to recognize that we are ready for the responsibility tear-away clothing calls for. We will only tear away when appropriate, and will devote an entire practice to getting the technique down.

  8. Dude, no one is older than David Coverdale.

  9. Dear Santa,

    GNR 2010 Champs. Please please *please*. That's all I'm asking for, so I really hope I get it. I've been soooooo good.

    Thank you.


  10. Santa, Mullet wants...

    1. to see Brutal Beauty
    2. a tear away track suit
    3. someone to take my beat up truck away
    4. for my tendon to be happy & healthy

    That is all. Not too much to ask.

    oh wait... don't forget to make us #1 on our world domination tour in 2010. THANKS SANTA!

  11. Dear Santa,

    I just don't know what to ask for this year, you've already given me everything a derby girl could ask for;

    A member's only jacket from the bitchin'-est, buttrockin'-est, soon to be most winning'est team in the Western Hemisphere

    A backstage pass for the 2010 GnR World Domination Tour


    Brand New Purple Sparkle Bootay Shorts!

    ...Maybe a little 2010 Championshiop action for GnR in Season 5?

    Mercyful Kate

    p.s. Scrappy-I would be honored to take you on as my fantastic # 5 derby wife! But you know I can leave all the other ladies on the I-5 corridor hanging! Join the polygamous par-tay!

  12. Dear Bad Santa (as in Billy Bob Thornton),

    I would like a rockin' half sleeve tattoo to go with my bad ass, tough as nails, cold-hearted bitch attitude this year. Oh and GnR world domination tour??....I'm not going to wish for that, because it's already happening!

    XO - Cher the Pain

  13. Dear Santa,
    I know I'm late but what I want for the New Year is for all of the GnR who haven't to send me their profile info and picture for their web page. If they don't, they might be surprised at what gets put in there...