In Memory of Bunny Lepowski

There will be a memorial service Saturday 14 November 2009 at the Doug Fir from 2-4 p.m.

Please visit the Rose City Rollers site for more information, to view a slide show, and to sign the guest book.

Dark. All dark.

Another Fundraiser on Rocktober 9th!

If you went to the last GnR fundraiser at The Tube, you know it was a whole lot of awesome, and you know that you don't want to miss the GnR fundraiser coming up on the 9th at Plan B.

On the other hand, if you missed the last GnR fundraiser at The Tube, it was a whole lot of awesome, and you won't want to miss the GnR fundraiser coming up on the 9th at Plan B.

The fundraiser at Plan B is slightly more complicated than the one at The Tube, so you may want to pay close attention here. First, this fundraiser will be at Plan B not at The Tube. Some of you may have misunderstood last time and not gone to The Tube, and you don't want to screw up like that again. So on the 9th, you must go to Plan B.

Second, this fundraiser will cost you five bucks. No, you don't get in free because you're pretty or cool or whatever. No, it won't cost you more than five bucks if you're not pretty or cool or whatever. It's five bucks. For everyone.

Third, there are bands. You don't have to pay attention to the bands, they'll play whether you pay attention or not. But they will be there. And you will pay five dollars.

If you miss this fundraiser, then you will not experience all of the great rock-tastic wonderfulment that is a GnR fundraising event.

For example, you will miss great rock-tastic wonderfulment like The Tube fundraiser's Raised Lighter Moment™ when Rocket Mean upon arriving declared to all:

Attention, lesbians! Rejoice, for I am wearing a push-up bra!

See, you do wish you hadn't missed that.

And now I am off to western regionals in Denver.

I'll be tweeting as @SnarkOnTheRocks if you care to be updated as to how the Wheels of Justice will roll over all challengers and carry the rose banner of all that is good and awesome to justly deserved victory!

\m/

You buy drinks. GnR raises funds.

I'm just a silly boy, but the GnR fundraiser coming up Monday at the Tube seems like genius to me.

Here's how it works:

1. You go to the Tube.
2. You buy drinks and such.
3. GnR raises funds.

The hitch here is that #3 only works at the Tube (18 NW 3rd Ave), and it only works on Monday 21 September 2009.

But you don't have to do anything to make (3) happen except complete (1) and (2). I kid you not. You just (1) go to the Tube (this step is very important) and (2) buy drinks. That's it.

Magical really.

I can't think of a better fundraising idea since my fraternity at FNU convinced the Greek Counsel to let us drink beer for charity.

I don't know if you understand, so let me lay it out for you: We were going to drink beer anyway, and then we got to do it for charity.

You are probably going to be buying drinks sometime in the near future anyway. (Or snacks. That works too.) If you do that at the Tube on Monday night, you'll be doing it for charity (GnR).

The only way this could be easier is if the GnRs brought the drinks and snacks to you on your porch in return for your donation.

(Hey ... could we do that next time? And really, now that I'm thinking about it, the easiest thing to do would be for you to just give money to GnR. And I'm sure they'd have no problem with that. Really. I don't think I even need to ask them.)

So once more, all you need to do is (1) go to the Tube (this really is essential) and (2) buy drinks.

You don't need to talk to the GnRs there (though you can). You don't need to stay very long (though you should). You don't even need to blush when they gush their thanks to you (though they will). None of that is required.

Now I understand some of you are saying, "But I have no plans to buy drinks. Ever."

That's fine. Because you can buy yummy things to eat at the Tube too.

And on top of that, the Genius Fundraising Plan™ doesn't require that you buy the drinks (or snacks) for yourself. No. You can buy drinks (or snacks) for anyone.

Seriously.

You don't want to buy drinks (or snacks) for yourself? No problem. You can buy drinks (or snacks) for the GnRs. They'll thank you even more!

And, coincidentally, it's Rocket Mean's birthday. She's 21! So you've got a perfect excuse to buy drinks (or snacks) for her. And since her 21st birthday only comes around once a year, you'll have to wait a whole year for such an opportunity again. That's a chance you really shouldn't miss: you get to buy Mean a drink (or snack, or several drinks, or snacks) for her birthday and for charity!

Oh, what do the GnRs need to raise money for? Rainbow socks mostly. That's what I've heard anyway.

So let's go over this one more time because it really is simple (and genius) and you'll be really embarassed if you screw this up:

1. You go to the Tube.
2. You buy drinks (or snacks).
3. GnR gets money.

Why would you not do this?

And what would you rollergirls like to drink (or eat)?

\m/

I Am an Idiot

(And there's a GnR car wash on Sunday the 30th from 11-3 at Andy & Bax.)

So I don't know how many times I've seen the GnR car wash flyer, been Twittered about it, or received facebook invitations to it, but I am an idiot.

All along, I've been thinking that it was on Saturday the 29th rather than Sunday the 30th.

(In my own defense, I've spent far too much time trying to figure out what exactly the clip art rollergirl is doing to that Challenger. And is that a piece of gum stuck to her hip?)

Here I'd been getting excited, looking forward to an afternoon of dirty cars, soapy rollergirls, and fistfuls of cash donations. But now that I know that the car wash will actually be on Sunday 30 August (I've always been right about the location—Andy & Bax on the corner of SE Pine and Grand—and the time—from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m.), I have nothing to look forward to this weekend at all.

Because I won't be able to be there, you all better provide me with all the details and many most excellent stories of car wash shenanigans (true or otherwise).

(And there had better be a dirty, dirty ice cream truck to clean up. And pictures.)

"Dirty cars, and they're done washed clean!" \m/

Welcome To The Jungle

Mercyful Kate

©JoeRollerfan.com Used by kind permission.

Congrats to Mercyful Kate and Suki Hana who were drafted from Fresh Meat onto GnR on Tuesday night.

GnR couldn't resist picking up a skater with a rocking derby name like Mercyful Kate. Originally a Rainy City Roller Doll along with Napalm Beth, she's a regular with the Axles of Annihilation and a former High Roller who decided that sparkly green and purple didn't go well with her red hair. Making an unorthodox choice in the roller derby world, she decided to change her uniform rather than her hair. Don't you think she'll be stunning in black? (And pink? And leopard print? And tiger? And rainbows? And all?)

Suki Hana

Suki Hana is rumored to have played for a league far, far away, so we'll have to check into that and see what cheap tricks new tactics she's brought along with her.

I don't know Suki yet, and her pic was shamelessly fished out from the modern inter-webs (discuss: "google" vs. "creepy"), so if you do know her, tell us more in the comments.

Former GnR captain Viva Vendetta and Fresh Meat skater Penny Dreadful were picked up by the High Rollers at Tuesday's draft. The Breakneck Betties drafted Frisky Sour, and the Heartless Heathers added Hard Candy and Knotty to their roster.

Be sure to congratulate the former Fresh Meat and free agents who've found new homes. A good place to do that would be at Saturday's Wheels of Justice bout with the Muñecas Muertas of Duke City (for which very, very few tickets are remaining).

GnR Car Wash!

Come show the rockers your love (and your dirty cars and bikes) at the Guns n Rollers car wash fundraiser. Spandex ain't cheap and we're going to need quite a lot of it for our new uniforms for next season! Sunday August 30th from 11-3 at the parking lot of the ever-so-generous GnR sponsor Andy & Bax (324 SE Grand Ave). (No wit. But see new post for my idiocy. [Edited by Grant, Friday 28 August 2009.])

WoJ Car Wash

This Saturday, Wheels of Justice are washing cars to raise money to get them to the regional and national tournaments. This means that GnRs Axl, Blood, GMT, and Wrench need your support.

It's on Saturday 25 July from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. at Voodoo Doughnut's second location on 1501 NE Davis in Portland.

Bring a donation for WoJ and your dirty car, bike, or whatever—they say they'll wash anything that's dirty!

[Edit: GMT's just suggested that "anything" may well include people. I suppose you'll just have to show that you're dirty?]

And that claim really is just too good to ignore, dontcha think?

I mean, there should be a catchy slogan to promote that sort of thing. Something like: "WoJ: We'll wash anything that's dirty, really!" or maybe "WoJ: Soaping up the dirty parts!"

But I'm sure you all can come up with something much, much better.

Comment away! \m/

Mullet Elected Co-Captain

GnR has recently elected Mullet to join Blood Clottia as co-captain for next season.

Mullet new GnR co-captain.

Mullet seems to me to be an excellent choice here, and along with the changes that the end-of-season retirements will necessarily bring, I'm excited to see the GnR captaincy now supercharged with the Awesome Power of the Mullet™.

The impression I get from GnR skaters is that their captains act as sort of a combination of platoon commander and Girl Scout den mother. Okay, I don't really know what either of those things are, but the way I understand it, the GnR captains plan the practices, write the line-ups for bouts, and submit the official 15-skater roster before each bout.

They go to team meetings, league meetings, captains meetings to talk about "secret stuff" (Cherry Lipsmacker's description—I know so little that things that are secret from rollergirls aren't even unknown unknowns for me), more meetings, extra meetings, and meta-meetings to decide what meetings they'll have next (now that I think about it, there may not actually be as many meetings as they suggested there were—I'll try to meet with them and get back to you about that).

They make sure that their skaters are covering all their required volunteer hours (like setting up and tearing down after bouts) and selling all their bout tickets. They explain to the other teams that when the Harmacist calls them names, it means she likes them (a lot like with twelve-year-old boys). And they let those skaters who they couldn't fit onto the roster for a bout know that they won't be skating for that bout but that they have to be there just the same.

Blood Clottia continues as co-captain.

On top of that, the GnR captains take primary responsibility for the overall team strategy, which seems less about X's and O's on chalkboards and more about keeping the team and the individual skaters focused on and excited about the goals they've all agreed on.

And then they're the first in line to drag a skater out of whatever wallow she's headed for after a rough bout: When one of the GnRs is sneaking out of the hangar and thinking she's off to pitch her new Riedell 595s into the next dumpster and head home alone with a case of PBR tallboys, a box of wine, and a fifth of Jägermeister to scrounge through her phone's call history and see if she might still have the number of that "roommate" she kicked out two years ago—the one who the other GnRs know only as "Lying, Cheating, Satan-Spawn (with Multiple Open Sores)"—it's the GnR captains who are first to intervene with kind words and sincere renditions of 1980s power ballads.

(You really haven't lived until you've you've seen Blood break out Toto's "Africa" or Mullet's heartfelt-but-not-overblown "Every Rose Has Its Thorn.")

Viva Vendetta a free agent.

Mullet replaces Viva Vendetta, who has announced her free agency. After four seasons skating for GnR, Viva figures that she's probably only got one or two seasons left in her (see previous post about how long skaters can keep this up), and she wants to see what things are like skating for a different team.

I haven't heard any of the GnRs say anything that's not totally supportive of her decision, and no, none of that "support" has sounded like "Yes, I love it that Viva's gonna go skate somewhere else--it'll be great not to have her dragging us down anymore!"

And it's not like Blood Clottia wasn't a Betty in some alternate universe. Not that she wasn't sexy in red, but I do think that Blood looks much better in black (or a leopard-print unitard, depending on the occasion).

So whatcha think about Mullet-powered GnR in 2010?

\m/

Retiring Skaters

I apologize: I am a bad blogger. You've wanted to hear gossip, and I haven't told you anything.

I blame OCD Boy (that is, me—and no, that's not my derby name), who wants to know everything exactly and get everything just right before I post it. But if I knew the whole deal, it really wouldn't be gossip, would it?

So here are a few things:

First, the GnR head out of town to go camping this weekend. I imagine this to be something like a cross between Deadwood, South Dakota in the HBO series, the nocturnal activities of Abigail Williams and friends, and Col. Kurtz's compound in Apocalypse Now.

They've kept the location a secret, though we can assume that's it not so remote that they can't easily haul in cases and cases of PBR, boxes of cheap wine, jugs of tequila, and whatever else they need for a few days in the woods. I just hope that one of them has thought to mail their location to a loved one, so in case they haven't all turned up back at work by sometime in the middle of next week, we can send Martin Sheen up the river after them.

Second, with the end of the 2009 season, several long-time GnRs have announced their retirements: Grace Lightning, Itzo EZ, Paradise Kitty, RollaReina, and Aurora Brutalis.

It's always hard to see the rollergirls we love return to the non-derby (i.e. "real") world, but they give so much of themselves to their sport that we do realize that they can only keep it up for so long.

Besides practicing at least three days each week, they volunteer for the charities that RCR supports, promote the sport, sell tickets for bouts, and do pretty much all of the work setting up and clearing out the hangar and the Expo Center before and after they skate their bouts. And they pay dues for the privilege of doing it all.

I know we'd love to see them all keep skating forever, but we've also got to understand and support them when they decide that they need to give their attention back to the non-derby slice of their lives: their families, their (paying) careers, their physical therapy, you know, all those things that the rest of us give *all* of our attention to all the time. For a few years, rollergirls give themselves to derby and to us derby fans, and we can't be too grudging about giving them back to their families, their children, their husbands, their wives, their boyfriends, girlfriends, parents, and friends. And it only seems fair that they get their rollergirl back with her body more-or-less intact and functioning almost as well as when they willingly gave her up.

Grace, Kitty, and EZ are all founding GnRs and Rose City Rollers, so they've put in more than four seasons. Grace has struggled with injuries for a while now; she's had surgery on her shoulder at least once already, and it may still need further surgery later on.

After injuring her ACL, EZ was officially removed from the roster earlier in the season, so GnR could draft Guts & Bolts and Sugar & Vice. She's still in physical therapy and has decided that she won't be skating next season either.

While Paradise Kitty still has two fully functioning knees, she's going back to school this fall and doesn't have time for both classes and derby.

RollaReina started the second season with GnR (and was co-captain with Wrench for the third), and Aurora Brutalis was drafted at the end of that same season. While both are still healthy (and still want to kick ass), their lives have gotten extra full over the last few years. To make room for the house she now owns with her partner and for nursing school, which starts this fall, Reina's decided that she simply doesn't have the time to commit to school and derby.

Brutes has already had to pay extra dues because she doesn't have time for derby commitments beyond "just" practices and bouts. Starting her clinic rotations now, she's felt that she's had to choose her patients over derby, which is no good for derby but probably very good for her patients.

I've spent hours already looking back at the pictures from the first two seasons and couldn't choose pics of the retiring skaters to include, so I'll see if they've got any favorites when they come out of the woods. Until then, you should look back through those older photo sets yourselves. Steve Price has an almost complete run here, and there are links at the Rose City Rollers site.

Now I'm all sad, and I'll have to decide whether I need to listen to Bonnie Tyler or Novemeber Rain.

Oh well, I can always listen to both. A few times.