Monday, March 22

Why I Didn't Blog About The GnR/ECRG Scrimmage

Ok. It was over a week ago that GnR hosted a scrimmage with Emerald City's travel team, the Skatesaphrenics. And I was going to blog about it, but I didn't want to hurt the Skatesaphrenics' feelings or seem like I was rubbing it in or something because they were very, very thoroughly demolishedWreckdemolished. I mean, I hope that Emerald City had fun, but GnR smashed them all to bits, ran over them with a truck, tore them up into little tiny pieces, backed the truck up and ran over them again, and then stomped them into a fine powder. Final score (if I remember correctly): GnR 1752, EC 7.5.

But then I thought maybe if I included something about how, while the Fresh Meat swept all the ground up little broken bits out of the hangar, the GnR asked the ECRG very nicely if they would like to come to the after-party, that might make it okay to talk about their crushing defeat? (I definitely would have pointed out that the after-party was very well attened by the GnR. Except for Napalm Beth. Who was "tired." Or something.)

While that might be okay, what if I went on to talk about how Blood Clottia did her now cliché bit where she scores a fat pile of points? How would that go over?

Or if I also pointed out that rock-solid blocker Hard Knox also jammed several times and added some 419 points to GnR's total (again, just going by memory here)? Would that seem like rubbing it in? At what point would things cross the line?

I'm pretty sure that I could have included a line or two about how the Harmacist wasn't happy with Knox's performance because, despite Knox's 419 points, Harmie wanted more boobs—which puzzles me because, if what I've been told is true, the Harmacist already has boobs. (I'm pretty sure that ECRG would be fine with the boobs part, but wow, that would be using the word "boobs" a lot.)

So then I was thinking I could just blog about GnR's new skaters: Bella Massacre, Boxcar Bethy, Juvie Hall, and Knocker Brown. That's probably not going to make any of the Emerald City skaters cry or anything, right?

And GnR fans would definitely want some pictures, right?

I probably could have said something, for example, about how Blood once explained her "Diversity Strategy" to me, how she wanted to increase GnR's appeal to straight fans by recruiting hot straight skaters as well as hot gay skaters. But I've never really understood Blood's thinking here, so how could I write about that? I mean, I'm straight, and I find gay rollergirls just as hot as straight rollergirls. On the other hand, I'm already a fan, so maybe that's the issue? Or that I'm a stupid boy? Anyway. Maybe someone has an explanation?

On the other hand, how could I talk about the new GnRs without saying something about how Boxcar Bethy and Juvie Hall each scored a few hundred points (358 and 312 respectively)? That might be kind of mean, I think. Especially since, in their humiliation, the Skatesaphrenics even gave Boxcar a prize for all the points she scored.

So really, how much could I actually say without taking the risk that I'd hurt someone's feelings and, more importantly, prompt them to hurt me in turn?

I'm really sorry, but please understand that it just seemed safest not to say anything at all about that scrimmage, ok?


  1. Napalm says she's old and gets tired, which is odd since I'm older and still manage to attend the after parties (or is it that I'm just a drunk?). However, she does skate twice as much as I do and she's like 10x more bad ass than me so I think she deserves a nap every now and then.

  2. i vow to attend the next afterparty!!!

  3. Dear Snarky...

    I wanted to updated some important things you may have missed.
    1. Boxcar won MVP by vote of the ECRG. Which is rad!
    2. Can you please update this post with a photo of Mangles photoshopped next to Blood... both in their unitards??? I do believe it is necessary for everyones pleasure.

    hearts n' horns,

    Col. Mullet