Wednesday, June 3

My Derby Crush

I've mentioned before that my current derby crush is Guts & Bolts. It's not that I don't find other skaters attractive; I do.

For example:

I get giddy whenever Axl Blows slams all five-feet-two and one-hundred-twelve pounds of herself (with skates on) into some huge chick to clear the lane for her jammer.

I feel butterflies when six-foot-nine and ninety-eight-pound (without skates) Aurora Brutalis muscles her way through the pack.

Smack Ya looks like she's lighter than air whenever she sidewinds through the curve after she's cleared the pack, and Blood Clottia looks dead sexy every time she puts her toe stop on the jammer line.

And Wrench charms me every time she puts on an extra burst of speed to blindside some chick who made the poor decision to brush the (imaginary) dust from her shoulder while she was still within reach of the pack and—more to the point—Wrench.

And I could go on and on: fishnets, elbow pads, mouth guards. (I find myself checking out every chick on a bike who's wearing a flat-black skate helmet, expecting her to be a rollergirl.)

But back to Guts & Bolts. Yes, she gets knocked down pretty easily and, well, a lot (right now). No, she doesn't seem to just bounce right off the floor and back onto her skates (yet). And I don't know if Guts has put a single point on the board (so far).

Nope. I've got a huge derby crush on Guts & Bolts because whenever she skates up to that jammer line, she knows she's gonna get hit. Hard. She knows she's gonna get knocked down. Hard. She knows she's gonna jump right back up to get hit and knocked down a few more times. And you can see just how excited she gets doing it. And that's what I love to watch.

She's not going to go pro. She's not going to get sponsored and get to quit her job. She's only skating because it's fun to play derby.

Of course, it's not just Guts. It's every Guns N Roller.

And it's every rollergirl.


  1. i'm pretty sure aurora isn't six-foot-nine.

  2. And I know for sue Axl weighs more than 112 lbs! But it's still hella funny!!!

  3. Actually, the thing with Axl and 112 pounds is partly true. 112 pounds of Axl consists of pure muscle. There are a few more pounds of bones and internal organ stuff.

  4. I keep thinking this post is titled "My Darby Crash."

  5. Ha!

    That would be a whole different kinda post....

    (Though "Derby Crash" might make a good derby name.)