Thursday, June 17

I'm Confused

This coming Saturday, Guns N Rollers 2010 World Domination Tour will come to an end.

There have been some who have suggested that the 2010 World Domination Tour ended back when GnR failed to beat the Break Neck Betties. I provide those gainsayers the inspiring words of Brother Bluto.

And for their last bout of the season, the GnR find themselves up against the Betties once more after losing to the Heartless Heathers, a loss of which I was unaware until I checked the RCR web page recently. I have been taking what I consider to be moderate amounts of narcotic painkillers, but despite being at the GnR v Heathers bout myself, my recollection departs slightly at a few points from what others remember. Or what the archived boutcast shows.

For example, I recall GnR mascot Sidelines Sarah being booed, heckled, and finally pelted with wads of gum and cans of beer while she was cheering on the GnR.

Now I can understand why fans of those teams with the misfortune of opposing the GnR might find themselves feeling frustrated and unmanned when confronted by her unbearable cuteness, but to throw (empty?) beer cans seems entirely classless for two reasons: 1) I thought the GnR had the monopoly on low-rent, trashy, butt-rock fans; and b) Sidelines Sarah is nine years old; and 3) what sort of Nickelback-listening, Ed Hardy-wearing, backhair-combing knuckle-dragger abuses a mascot while their team is winning? Which the boutcast confirms was true for the Heathers for most of the night.

As none of this was visible on the recorded video, I can only assume that I experienced some sort of waking dream in which my own desire to hurl day-old pastries at Heathers mascot Tila Tequila Teq Kill Ya[*]

It was brought to my attention that Teq Kill Ya has been the Heathers mascot not Tila Tequila, who is, and I quote, "a nasty skankopotamus."

Also, I have no desire to hurl day-old pastries at Teq Kill Ya.


[*] was displaced onto imaginary Heathers fans.

What's more, I can't imagine someone like Kanna or George or Swags not finishing a beer.

I have a little more trouble disbelieving my second unique memory because while it seems absurd that Sidelines Sarah would get heckled or trash thrown at her, it seems comparatively reasonable that Super Grover would jam for the Heartless Heathers. And it seems downright plausible that he would score dozens of points in each of those several jams over the night.

I mean, really, no one's going to boo a nine-year-old mascot, but Super Grover seems like a natural for the Heathers: he's blue, he's furry, and he's already got a stylish helmet. And if the floppy arms and legs weren't enough to make it easy for him to slip between blockers and avoid hits, Super Grover can fly. Which I believe would be a significant advantage, so there's no doubt he'd score upwards of twenty or even thirty points in a jam. (Nevermind being able to take to the air to avoid cutting the track calls or to instantly remove himself from play and make any hit he did receive illegal!)

But Super Grover does identify as "he," so I don't think he would be eligible to play for the Heathers. And he is a muppet, which might also be problematic. But the clincher is that I didn't see him once while watching the archived boutcast.

No, I believe that I mistook Scratcher In The Eye for Super Grover. And in my defense—and if you compare the images—I'm sure you can see just how easy that would be to do.

Similarly, I cannot confirm that my memories of Big Bird skating for the GnR are accurate.

Yes, Bird roller skates like a pro, and any team in the WFTDA would be happy to have him, but I'm sure that I would've remembered and posted something here if GnR had drafted Big Bird. I may not be the most frequent or reliable blogger, but that would've made it in here had it happened.

With pictures.

Signed pictures.

I realize now that I shouldn't have been drinking and taking prescription narcotics at the same time (please, kids, one or the other, and always ask your parents for permission) because I also hazily recall the Mad Splatter playing in at least one jam.

But again, I can't think that would have gone unnoticed. I know the officials can't see everything, but one of the captains or coaches would have eventually spotted the red uniform and bright green helmet and, I think, asked for an official review.

After seeing such a difference between the boutcast and what I'd remembered, one thing that I thought for sure was a product of the pain, the lack of sleep, the narcotics, and the pint of Early Times I'd smuggled into the hangar was Mel Mangles' jaw-dropping turn as jammer.

With the GnR down by 174 and only a few minutes left, I was certain that the plan was for Mangles to simply pound on the Heathers jammer and any blockers that came within reach. Instead, she floated through the pack side-stepping and shrugging off hits like raindrops and looking like she wasn't really trying.

Comfortable and relaxed, she made pass after pass and scored 153 points, bringing the GnR within 21 points of the Heathers. (153 may be a record for points scored in a single jam, but this was just a league bout and not WFTDA sanctioned, so I'm not sure it counts.)

Going into the finals, no one should be surprised that teams of privilege will play for first place. The d├ębutantes or prom queens or whatever it is that the Heathers are supposed to be are used to getting whatever they want. And the conspicuously wealthy High Rollers can no doubt buy their way to the finals. On the other hand, despite what their abundant talent might merit, the gays and their working-class teammates on the GnR will be fighting not to be last.

But 4th place is one spot above where the Wheels Of Justice are ranked, and if the rumors I've been hearing are true, the GnR kinda like it on the bottom.

\m/ \m/

[Edited 06-18-2010 to fix the Teq Kill Ya / Tila Tequila error.]


  1. World, consider yourself fucking dominated.

  2. Great post....been saving up the empties and have been making Sidelines ride around the block on her scooter while I throw beer bottles at her head. Shes ready for Saturday!

  3. I may lift off the ground occasionally and I am pretty super but; I do not have floppy arms and legs!! This is hilarious!!

  4. this is great.not the violence towards kids ..though it opens up my is horrible to think people would throw beer cans at a nine year old. Though she sounds spunkie...If we could get Snuffalupagus..that big honkin elephant?? what ever it is on GnR sides..I think he could squash the offenders with Cans...Domination GNR Rock the GUNS

  5. Apparently my daughter "Hangs Loose" while Sidelines throws horns. What a disappointment she is. She will not be throwing the wrong sign on Saturday, she is in full-on Horns Throwing Training.