Thursday, February 18

World Domination Tour, First Stop: High Rollers

GnR opened their 2010 World Domination Tour by trumping the High Rollers, 127-122.

In the first period, GnR tore open the High Rollers, Blood Clottia and Cadillac trading off jams to pile up the points. More than a few times, they each would simply trade positions with the other: they'd finish a jam as jammer, immediately line up again behind the pivot line, then when that jam was over, take the star and line up again on the jammer line. For RCR announcer Speed Bump, they blurred into "a singular amazing skater who changes outfit jam-to-jam" who he's named "Clottillac." (If you're having trouble telling one from the other, here are a few simple hints: if she's got lots of lipstick and not a lot of pants, that's Cadi; if she's wearing a leopard-print unitard, it's Blood.)

Co-captain Cher The Pain also took on a good chunk of the jamming duties. It wasn't that long ago that she was proudly sporting a "Blockers Don't Wear Panties" tee, but she does clearly wear panties at least some of the time now. And Fist O' Fury, who was drafted by GnR late last season, also took a few turns at the jammer line, and I hope we'll see more of her there this season.

While Blood's and Cadi's jam-monstrous skills were strong Saturday night, GnR's blocking has become fierce. GnR—SmackYa Sideways, co-captain Mercyful Kate, Miss Mel Mangles, and Napalm Beth in particular—hit hard and hit often.

With the two-fisted combination of GnR jammers scoring many points and GnR blockers denying many points to the High Rollers, the score at the end of the half was something like GnR: this Iron Maidenthis, HR: this Debbie Gibsonthis.

In the second period, I expected the GnR to continue with their first-half strategy of hitting and scoring. Most Revered Coaches Col. Mullet and Lt. Pain instead switched their strategy to "let the High Rollers score a lot of points." I'm not an expert in derby tactics by any means, but this change in approach did surprise me. Still, GnR did come out with a win, so I can't fault the GnR for this decision.

Alongside the "let the High Rollers score a lot of points" move, the GnR also chose to rest one or two skaters each jam in the penalty box. Here too I must raise the horns to the superior—and victorious—wisdom of the GnR and their coaches.

I was pleased to see that the GnR continued the "hitting" portion of their first-half approach. In fact, the GnR were hitting so much that Cadillac apparently got bored with hitting just the High Rollers, and late in the second period she tried to knock down the hangar itself, throwing herself into one of its supporting "ribs." While this hit was less successful than earlier hits to Honey Hellfire or Sully Skullkicker, I have to admire her enthusiasm. I can't imagine the Betties supporting that sort of hard-rocking, devil-may-care attitude.

As the High Rollers closed the gap in the scores, the GnR finished the bout with especially smart play from the few skaters they chose to keep in the jam. Careful blocking—even with just a single skater on the track—forced the High Rollers to take more time to score and kept the GnR ahead until time ran out.

While the GnR earned a hard-won victory on the track, many of them forfeited the after-party. I'll give Cadillac a pass in deference to her heroic assault on the hangar. And if the rumors are true of Suki Hana being in a delicate condition (i.e., abundant, in the family way, anticipating a blessed event, parturient, expecting, with child, preggers, knocked up, etc.), then I can understand her not throwing back cocktails late into the night. (I should point out, however, that simply skating with the gayest team in the league is, in itself, not a reliable form of contraception. See also, Guts & Bolts.)

November Pain has a new arrival herself? Ok, maybe that's a reasonable excuse (even if it's a puppy). Blood Clottia, on the other hand, was sick sick sick and she managed to show up!

But Mullet? Absent. Hard Knox? Absent. Punchkin and Axl Blows? Absent and absent. Napalm Beth? Fist O' Fury? Evilia D. Stroiu? Absent. Absent. Absent.

We must not allow an after-party gap!

And it seems to me to be poor manners, in either a roller derby or a rock-and-roll way, to casually bang around some chicks and then not buy them a drink after.

\m/ \m/


  1. That second half strategy was indeed an unexpected innovation - my own theory is that it was simply a generous gesture to GNR's fans to fend off the boredom and ennui inspired by a blowout.

    A win, however, is a win. And dammit, it WAS fun. And I have to add that the blocking clinic put on by Smack, Beth, and Mercyful Kate had people in the crowd openly weeping for joy.

    Okay, that was me.

    \m/ \m/

    (Clottilac, LOL)

  2. Oh, the afterparty. Sometimes even us hard core rockers require a little rest. Those High Rollers played a fierce game and boy did I feel it! I promise to make up my absence with extra awesome afterparty antics next month.

  3. You should've seen me at the check out line in New Seasons on the way home. I purchased a pint of soy ice cream and a bag of Epsom Salts. Damn that was a good bout!

  4. oh napalm, although i am sure you were hard rockin the checkout at New Seasons, your presence is often required at afterparties in order to uphold some GNR credibility. i think it's pretty lame and ANTI-ROCK that GNR wins a few matchups and suddenly think they can step-down the only thing they've ever really killed at: the afterparty.


  5. God, why does Scrappy make is so easy to HATE?

    p.s. It is Now and will always be MERCYful Kate

    When you say 'Merciful' it's like 10,000 times less metal.

  6. merci, are we NOT the team you LOVE to hate?
    grow a pair and dance a little at the next afterparty... don't leave all the dance responsibility to smackya...(PLEASE) don't leave it all to smackya.

    on the other hand, mel mangles held it down and rocked the horns all night (even on my lap!) ... good showing, mangles. work on getting MK to loosen up a little!

  7. @Richard: I can't take any credit for "Clotillac." Despite the usual truthiness of what I post, all credit goes to Speed on that bit.

    @MKate: I fixed it. I know better than that. My only excuse is the very un-rock-and-roll hour I was up to post that this morning. :)

    And I think an after-party pass might also be extended to Mullet. How can she and Pain dress alike if Pain's not there? Really, she was just *matching* Pain's absent outfit. (And the colonel outranks me.)

  8. And one more thing: the denim cut-offs or skirts with black rocker tees is by far my favorite GnR boutfit! (Well, next to leopard-print unitards anyway!)

  9. Mullet:

    A Colonel has to work sometimes. I can't be rockin all night and expect to drill all morning!

    But I really couldn't make it without my better half. "You go...We go" is our motto.

    Next time hopefully I won't have work and can participate in the festivities.