Hooooold onto your butts, rockers! The Season 7 Opener at Memorial Coliseum is less than two weeks away! In a mere 12 days your favorite animal print-clad skaters will be taking the track to battle last season's #3 team, the Heartless Heathers. The gang is back in black, and it's gonna be mental. Can you feel it?!
The Guns N Rollers are arguably a completely different team than we saw last season. This is only partly due to the recent retirements/drafts of personnel. The big difference is in skill level and, more importantly, determination. They want to win. They can taste it. In fact, GNR is going into the opener with blood already on their lips. Did you know that every Wednesday night the home teams gather in the hangar to scrimmage against each other? With scorekeepers and refs and everything. Furthermore, did you know that GNR has beaten the High Rollers and the Break Neck Betties at these scrimmages? I'll say it again, cuz I love saying it. The Guns N Rollers beat the High Rollers and the Betties in scrimmage. The High Rollers. And the Betties. Beaten by GNR. Rock. On.
Speaking of new personnel, GNR has made some very wise draft selections in the off-season. If you caught the Rookie Bout last month you saw Va Va BOOM tear it up (she sure doesn't skate like she's new on the tour bus!). And if you've ever seen a Rosebuds bout or even heard of Portland's Junior Roller Derby League, chances are you've heard of Braidy Punch. As in the toughest, awesomest (yeah I know it's not a word, ok?), most hard-core skater ever to age out of the Rosebuds and join the ranks of adult derby. This girl is wicked fast and has already been kicking ass on the track for years. In the most recent draft GNR picked up FranknHurter (previously of the Bay Area Derby Girls) and Scouts OnHer. I haven't had a chance to see either of these ladies skate yet (unless I saw Frank in a B.A.D. bout and don't remember, which is likely). But hell, GNR has been right on the money with their draft decisions so far. Rosters for the opener were just announced and haven't made it to this blogger's hot little hands yet, so I can't tell you exactly who will be rocking the track for GNR. But I'll bet my biggest can of Aqua Net and my vintage AC/DC concert t-shirt that Braidy Punch will be skating her first bout of her adult life at the Coliseum very soon.
And while we're on the subject of personnel, let's talk about GNR's opening opponent, the Heartless Heathers. The Heathers suffered a mass exodus during the off-season, taking their roster down to a scant 14 players. They have since drafted six new skaters and lost one to injury (formidable blocker and total sweetheart Chinadoll Assassin is out with a busted tib/fib). We saw new draftees Behexen and Mortar N Pistol skate well in the Rookie Bout, and one of the newest Heathers, Toxic Haste, is a former Rosebud. Bella Constricter is a transfer from somewhere (NOOOO... there can be only one Bella- GNR4Life Bella Massacre!). Moxie Roxem worked her way from Wreckers to Fresh Meat to the Ice Palace, and I don't know a thing about new draftee Headache. Feel free to fill in the blanks. The Heathers still have some pesky solid talent in skaters like Schemestress, French Tickler, and White Flight, who will be a nuisance for GNR. But I have a feeling this will be the season of rebuilding for the Heathers that GNR experienced last year. Nobody likes a blowout but hey, let's be honest, this bodes well for GNR (and their loyal fans who like to see their team win).
So pull out all your best animal-print spandex and tease that hair 'til it touches the sky! Throw up your horns and let loose your best rebel yell! Cut up that t-shirt and start safety-pinning it back together! The Guns N Rollers can't wait to show you what's in store this season. They're gonna rock your f***ing socks off.
The Season 7 Opener is Saturday, January 21 at 5:45pm, at the Memorial Coliseum. Click here for tickets and info. Rock on! \m/ \m/