Guns N Rollers Official Blog: February 2011

You may have heard the rumors: Itzo EZ is back on Fresh Meat.

Unfortunately, this is only partially true.

Let me explain:

Itzo EZ is on Fresh Meat. But this is, in fact, her first time on Fresh Meat.

You see, EZ is not only a founding GnR, but she's a founding Rose City Rollers skater, so back when EZ joined up, a lot of things were different. There was no Fresh Meat. No drafts. No helmets. (There may not have been an actual "Rose City Rollers.") And while EZ has been reffing since she retired from GnR two seasons ago, she's decided to stop talking about what it might be like to come back as a skater and go ahead and do it, so she's signed on to Fresh Meat for the first time ever.

(All of the pics here are, I believe, from Season 2. Wrench and Rolla Reina

Axl Blows, always a bargain at $50. Wrench and Rolla Reina watch from the bench.

Photo by Skippy Steve. http://stevenlprice.smugmug.com/

Wrench and Rolla Reina are skating against the Sockit Wenches, and I think Blood Clottia is sitting with the Betties during the GnR v. Heathers bout. Skippy Steve has lots of early RCR pics—check out his SmugMug galleries!)

As I understand it, she plans to keep working as an official even after she gets drafted by a league team. (God, I hope that team is GnR!) I don't understand how being both a skater and a ref works, but I'll accept that she and the league have that worked out. I don't think we can ever have too many good refs, so despite my tendency to quibble and raise objections at every opportunity, however the league has worked that out, it works for me.

And if it works for her, let's see a bunch of skaters put on the stripes. What can it hurt? Skaters often appreciate officials who have been skaters themselves, and seeing the sport from the other side of the line will probably help skaters in their own bouts.

So just how soon is EZ draft eligible? :D

\m/ \m/

/snark

So. The Guns N Rollers lost to the Break Neck Betties last weekend in the first bout of the Rose City Rollers home season. Not much of a surprise there. But I'm going to focus on the positive here, which, I must admit, is contrary to my nature.

One of the night's high points came early, and it was the daughter of Awnry O'Hulligan stepping up at the last minute to sing the national anthem. While we've had some strong renditions of the national anthem (I'm thinking of Minstrel and Mr. Psycho recently), we've also had some pretty weak ones. Even accounting for Little O'Hulligan's moment of panic and lyrical forgetfulness, hers would have been among the strong renditions even if she'd been called on ahead of time—that she was asked just a few minutes beforehand puts it clearly in the win.

Next I have to applaud GnR's choice of uniform: the black rocker tees and denim skirts or shorts is my favorite GnR boutfit. It's easily varied and customized by each skater but stays uniform enough to be a uniform without being sporty (which, I think, clashes with the rocker aesthetic). I was glad to see it back.

And then there was Scald Eagle's debut.

I was going to leave it pretty much at that, but after George's ~~analysis~~ rant over at the Heartless Heathers blog, it seems that some response here is in order.

I am not a physician, so I cannot guess at what humorous imbalance so distresses George that he devolves into paroxysms of fear and revulsion, flop sweat, or fits of spontaneous barking whenever he encounters a woman wearing any combination of animal print, rocker tee, mouth guard, or black. But I hope he seeks professional help soon. (Please pass along your to him your recommendations of knowledgeable surgeons, apothecaries, leeches, barbers, or the like.)

Regardless of George's disease, his complaints seem to boil down to ~~two~~ three things: Scald Eagle fails to live up to her hype, rookies make lots of rookie mistakes, and GnR still exists.

Allow me to respond point by point.

One. What hype? I'd heard that Scald is a promising rookie with lots of raw talent who would be exciting to watch develop as a skater. And that's exactly what I saw Saturday night. She showed some explosive bursts of speed and sure-footed navigation through the pack as a jammer. Her experience is with ice hockey, so she's still getting a feel for how skates work with wheels on them instead of blades. She's got legs, and as the poet says, she knows how to use them, and I think it will be exciting to see her skills and especially her tactics improve.

George, on the other hand, appears to have heard that Scald Eagle is the second coming of Ronnie James Dio and expected her to arrive wielding Excalibur in one hand and an M1911 automatic pistol (with custom grips and inscribed "vindicta mihi") in the other, wrapped in Old Glory, riding an Ancient Red Dragon, leading an army of saber-toothed tigers and zombies, breathing fire, and singing the "Battle Hymn of the Republic."

When she failed to breathe fire or sing, George declared her a disappointment. (George, why do you hate America? And dragons?) And if that was the hype, then yes, Scald Eagle failed to live up to it.

Two. Rookies do tend to make rookie mistakes. This is not unusual or worth special comment. This is expected.

Three. GnR still exists. It's mostly a team of rookies. One of those rookies is Scald Eagle, and it looks like she'll be pretty good. I suggest that George talk to Rocket Mean about ridding RCR of GnR. Just click here and send.

Please, don't make me lay out the whole bit about jammers not winning bouts and how they're not the quarterbacks or even running backs, they're the ball, okay? GnR's failings against the Betties were about their difficulty playing offense and defense simultaneously against a much more experienced team and about their 14-skater roster tiring out after being knocked around by the Betties' 16 skaters.

Now, I do need to regret some errors in judgment I made in some of my track-side comments:

Soulfearic Acid is neither clumsy nor slow. I was mistaken about that.

Domesticated Violence is not fat. Instead of DeeVeeDeeVee, I must've been thinking of Heavy D (admit it, those names do sound quite a bit alike). You know, Heavy D Heavy D Heavy D? Of Heavy D And The Boyz? Exactly.

On the other hand, Joyride does make me sad when she scores lots of points against GnR.

Also, I stand by my assertion that Shove Me Tender

Shove Me Tender needs more pants.

Photo by Lisa Burke. www.flickr.com/photos/7436499@N02/sets/72157625823446561/with/5405219497/

Shove Me Tender needs more pants. Shove says that there are no pants that can contain her "awesomeness," but let me direct your attention to this 1964 Frederick's Of Hollywood catalog in which at least several Shove-awesomeness-containing items may well be found. Perhaps something from this page? Or something here? Or maybe here?

Let me say one final thing about GnR here. I don't miss the winning very much at all really. Which may be because it was always pretty intermittent.

What I miss most is the gay.

GnR, please bring more gay. Thank you.

\m/ \m/

/snark

Thursday, February 10

Another Rumor

Tuesday, February 8

Itzo EZ: Fresh Meat

Friday, February 4

Wheels of Justice v. Detroit Derby Girls

Thursday, February 3

GnR v. Betties: Scald Eagle Does Not Breathe Fire