Ugly Christmas Sweater Party

The Guns N Rollers are throwing an Ugly Christmas Sweater party!

It doesn't matter if you don't celebrate Christmas: if you've hung around with the GnR over a holiday or two, you probably already know that the GnRs' winter holiday of choice is EZmas, which also happens to fall on December 25.

Unfortunately, there are no ugly EZmas sweaters. And while there may be other Ugly Sweaters, Christmas provides a black hole to which Ugly Sweaters are drawn.

Christmas is an ultimate convergence of synthetic fibers into tasteless patterns.

It is a great woolly conjunction of 8-bit graphics Santas. A Sturm und Drang of tacky snowmen. A noxious, fumy cauldron of decorated fir trees. It is a knitted R'lyeh where sleeps a red-and-white-striped Cthulhu hemmed with tiny jingle bells.

It is a yarny apocalypse of dancing reindeer.

Click for sweaters.

Only the sweaters are ugly.

Click for sweaters.

And you are invited to celebrate the horror that is Ugly Christmas Sweaters on Saturday 11 December with dancing to bitchin' 80s pop at the Water Heater at 750 N. Fremont in Portland.

$7 cash gets you in the door. Or $5 and a can of food. (No beets.)

Ugly Christmas Sweaters are not required. But really, what's the effing point of celebrating the Ugly Christmas Sweater if you aren't going to wear one?

\m/ \m/

The Hiatus Is Still Over

Weeeeeeee're back!

Yes, it's been a few years months since I last posted anything here but I am not (yet) dead.

It was a busy off-season: I'd only just recovered from chanting "We're Number Three!" over and over again after the Guns N Rollers' glorious 3rd-place victory back in June, when it was time to cheer on the Wheels of Justice at the Hometown Throwdown. And as soon as that hangover wore off, it was time to head to Sacramento for the WFTDA Western Region tournament.

(I'd like to thank the Sacred City Derby Girls for choosing a venue where no one cared what you brought in with you. Why bother with a tiny little flask when you can fill your bag with whole bottles of liquor? Which you could conveniently purchase at the CVS two blocks away.)

There was also my broken leg.

But now we've all enjoyed our little break, we've celebrated Thanksgiving ("Thank you for the very nice land we'll take from you now," or "Thank you for the blankets and the small pox," depending on your ancestry) with turkey (or a cruelty-free susbstitute), and it's time to get ready for a new season of Rose City Rollers hometown derby.

We've lost some GnRs along the way:

• Boxcar Bethy moved to Ontario (for someone who insists she's not Canadian, she sure lives in Canada a lot)
• Evilia D. Stroiu moved to Hawaii
• Suki Hana became pregnant, then a mother
• Mercyful Kate smashed up her tibia and fibula, moved back up to Olympia, and broke her tib again, and
• Hard Knox and Fist O'Fury have chosen "real" life over derby

"Rolling Stoners" Roster

And we've picked up some new GnRs during the off-season:

• Dirty Ann Rotten
• Harajuke A Girl
• Havana Good Time and
• Awnry O'Hulligan

You can see all of them plus some other newer GnRs skate this Friday against Cherry City at the hangar at Oaks Park. (General admission tix are still available here.)

Finally, the GnR have chosen new captains to lead them through the 2011 season: Punchkin

Punchkin: New GnR Captain
(Only publicly available image.)

Punchkin and Sugar & Vice

New GnR Captain: Sugar & Vice
(Only publicly available image.)

Sugar & Vice, who will tell me nothing about how they spent the off-season.

So get ready to shred some furious licks, wail on your axes, and throw some horns!

(You do have season tickets, right?)

\m/ \m/