Wednesday, April 14

World Domination Tour, Third Stop: Heartless Heathers

Ok. So I've cried enough over the Guns N Rollers losing to the Heartless Heathers on Saturday.

From the comments I've overheard since the bout, I do think it's safe to say that the Heathers paid for their victory. In pain. Which I like.

The bout was tough and physical right from the start. Scratcher In The Eye complained a little after the bout that she doesn't usually get hit so much (but doesn't she wear that target star on her head a lot?), and on the facebook page she says that "Mangles gave me whip lash. [...] It was the hardest hit I've ever received!" And Mick U Cry adds, "I also had my ribs crunched for the first time ever." On the other hand, Mercyful Kate went to the hospital with a concussion.

(You are our fan on facebook, so you'd seen that, right? If not, get over there! And while you're there, you should probably make friends with the Heathers too.)

After a handful of low-scoring jams early in the first period, the Heathers began jamming captain Mobi-Wan Kenobi. Mobi's strong and fast and has a well deserved reputation as one of the best blockers in the league, but she doesn't often jam. Instead of moving up to engage the pack and begin her first pass, however, Mobi instead focused her formidable skills on the GnR jammer. It seemed pretty clear, in fact, that the Heathers were giving up all but the pretense of scoring and choosing to use their jammer entirely as a "fifth blocker" but staying outside the engagement zone where the GnR blockers couldn't assist their jammer.

(If I were a Heathers fan, I'd call that sort of thing "smart." But I'm not, so instead I curse them for it.)

The Heathers strategy was clear if risky: they could rest their star jammers like Scratcher while punishing the GnR jammers and tiring them out. I wasn't paying close enough attention at the time to have seen if that strategy extended beyond the jammers, so I don't remember if they also lined up blockers during that first period whose job was primarily to lay hits on the GnRs and who could then skate less during the second period while other, fresher skaters took to the track. If any of you were paying attention, let us know in the comments.

The risk in their strategy was that the Heathers fell well behind the GnR by the end of that first period. But the strategy paid off because from the start of the second period, the Heathers were able to tear away at the GnR lead, finally overtake them, and finish ten points in front for a 96 - 86 final score.

Despite what seemed like lots of penalties (for both teams, though GnR seemed to be skating short more often in the second half), the GnR blockers put up the excellent defense that we've come to expect. In another one of her bits of routine excellence, Blood Clottia earned 49 of the GnR's 86 points (per Andrew's Blood Clottia facebook page—hey, be a fan of her too!), which I think, shows just how effective the Mobi-wan beat-down was. Blood scored more than half of GnR's points over just 13 jams, and that left lots of work for the rest of the GnR jammers. While GnR's jammer selection has grown in number and skill—former Montreal skater Boxcar Bethy and Axles of Annihilation's Punchkin both skated solidly, and Cher The Pain, Fist O' Fury, and (former Axle) Hard Knox all showed that they own the star they wear and aren't just borrowing for a jam—the punishment that the Heathers laid on the GnR jammers in the first period was a lot to try to spread among them, especially with Cadillac absent (bad, bad rollergirl—only physical brokenness and hurt should keep her from derby, not love!).

To the GnR's credit, they stayed focused and fought hard through to the end. I can imagine a GnR team from a season or two ago collapsing in frustration and adopting a "hit the skater closest to you" approach, but this team made sure that the Heathers didn't take an easy win.

Satan, on the other hand, has proven to be completely unreliable.

\m/ \m/


  1. Grateful to read some remarks about this epic battle with no mention of Baconnaise. Hats off, Dr.

    Oh also, Firecrotch is amazing.

  2. Im pretty sure the Baconnaise made me skate faster…that’s all I’ve been eating for the past week!


  3. 'Twas indeed a brutal bout - I have to believe that some of the skaters passed the more-than-half-the-body-black-and-blue point early in the second period.


    It's hard not to want to peek into the parallel universe in which Cadi *was* taking her turn wearing the star - I have a funny feeling the final score would have looked a tiny bit different.

    Exciting as it was to watch the massive hits and amazing defensive display from both sides, ending up on the losing end of this one was pretty hard to take.

  4. The Heathers won the bout, but GNR won the afterparty!

  5. @DancingScott: I'm not sure who gets to make the call on the after-party, but I'd say that technically GnR *forfeited* the after-party at Buffalo Gap.

    And as for the after-after-party at the E Room, it was pretty clear that *everybody* won that!

  6. Totally impressed with how you managed to stop crying and pull yourself together to blog about it.

    Definitely not there yet myself but at least you're inspiring me to get over it already. Oof.

  7. With one season win and two season losses, does mean GNR's World Domination Tour is over or has it just been re-named?

  8. Let me just say, and I quote, "Over? Did you say 'over'? Nothing is over until we decide it is!"