Xmas Wishes with GnR

Creepy Mall Santa

It's that holiday time of year again!

That means it's time for Smack Ya Sideways to put the Trans-Siberian Orchestra in the CD player and hit "Repeat."

Gwen'nich Mean Time and Grace Lightning will put on their favorite holiday sweaters.

Punchkin and Napalm Beth will hang a couple of fishnet stockings on the mantle.

And after a few too many egg nogs (which Fist O' Fury has spiked with a little too much bourbon), the whole team will tell old Santa Claus what he's going to bring them for Christmas if he knows what's good for him.

John Waters
(in Santa hat)

There were years past when the GnRs would put on the charm (and the Derbyskins) and tease poor Santa until he gave them what they wanted.

But let's face it, Santa's no Jon Bon Jovi.

He's not even Sebastian Bach.

Nope. He's older than David Coverdale, and he's let himself go worse than all of Van Halen put together.

And while the GnRs definitely prefer someone with a bit of experience, Santa's thing where he drops in on everyone over a single night is really pretty tacky.

And needy too.

Bigfoot
(in Santa hat)

Then nothing for a whole year?

I'm sure you can understand how quickly the GnRs decided that they'd had enough of that.

(Not to mention that quite a few of them were always more into Mrs. Claus anyway.)

Still, they do like presents.

Things didn't start off so bad. At first, it was just threats.

But last year, there was The Incident.

Mean Santa?
(I'm sure I've seen her somewhere before)

In their defense, the GnRs claim to have mistaken him for one of the Breakneck Betties. (If you've ever heard Marollin' Monroe laugh, you can see how that could happen.)

And really, who are you going to believe? Santa?

Or the Guns N Rollers?

\m/ Exactly. \m/

Karl Marx
(No actual affiliation with Santa Claus)

So this year, Santa's decided that he's had enough.

He is contractually obligated to hear their requests and distribute gifts, but he sees no reason to put himself in harm's (or The Harmacist's) way.

This year he's sent surrogates.

So pick your Santa Stand-In, and let's hear what you want this year!

Happy Holidays!

See you for Season Five in January!

\m/ \m/

GnR moving up!

A shout out to the following skaters that are now representing GnR on the Rose City Rollers Wheels of Justice and Axles of Annihilation travel teams!

Wheels of Justice

• Axl Blows (GnR)
• Blood Clottia(GnR)
• Cadillac (GnR)
• Chest-nutZ *
• Hurricane Skatrina
• J.K. Rolling
• Layla Smackdown
• Licker ‘n’ Split
• Mercyful Kate *(GnR)
• Mick U Cry
• Mel Mangles *(GnR)
• Mobi-wan-kanobi
• Napalm Beth *(GnR)
• Rhea Derange
• Scrappy Go Lucky *
• Scratcher in the Eye
• Smack Ya Sideways *(GnR)
• Sully Skullkicker
• White Flight
• Wreck Deckard *

Axles of Annihilation

• Punchkin *(GnR), the newest member of Axles!

(* denotes roster additions or those that moved up to WoJ from AoA)

GnR Unstoppable!

Guns N Rollers hosted I-5 All-Stars on Friday night at the Oaks Park hangar and delivered to them a beating not seen since Keith Moon sat at a drum kit for the Who.

Goodie Two Skates and Mel Mangles do-it-themselves national anthem.

If this was a preview of GnRs strategy for the Rose City Rollers 2010 season (and I really hope it is), that strategy has two simple parts:

1. Hit the jammer.
2. A lot.

Additional tactics will include (but are not limited to): hitting the jammer again, hitting blockers, hitting hard, hitting more, and so forth.

Besides new(ish) GnR skaters Suki Hana, Mel Mangles, and Evilia D Stroiu, the line-up also included Cadillac, Goodie Two Skates, and Sarah the tireless 7-year-old cheerleader.

Cadillac took advantage of her brief release from the oppressive restrictions of the Betties limited two-color palette to rock a daring mix of several animal prints.

Goodie looked like she'd just come from a casting call for Rock of Love Skate and out GnR'ed the GnR with so much wonderful awful.

(Brett Michaels and any other middle-aged, extra-eyelinered rockers pretending to look for love can direct their inquiries care of this blog.)

The heart of all of GnR's power?

Sarah relentlessly urged the GnR to further hitting. She marched along the sidelines all night, throwing horns and chanting "G-N-R! G-N-R!"

Some even speculated that she may well be the true source of all of GnR's powers. Whether or not that's true, with her on their side, the GnR are unstoppable!

Imagine, one look at her, and rollergirls will simply dissolve.

All of L33t Speaking Missile's r4wr will be fail.

She will knock the wind out of Hurricane Skatrina and have Layla Smackdown on her knees begging, "Darling, please."

Even the Heartless Heathers will fall before her: Sol Train will stop in her tracks, and Mick U Cry, Mobi-wan Kenobi, and the rest will be able to do nothing but sigh and coo like Cherry Lipsmacker with a basket full of fluffy kittens.

And then they will all suffer the merciless hitting (that's what Smack says).

So while GnR may have failed to score two hundred points, they proved beyond any doubt that an ad hoc mash-up of skaters from Emerald City, Cherry City, Rainy City, and various Washington counties all thrown together into one giant grab-bag of feisty rollergirls are no match for them!

As usual, thanks to Sharkey for the pix! You can see his whole set here.

\m/

In Memory of Bunny Lepowski

There will be a memorial service Saturday 14 November 2009 at the Doug Fir from 2-4 p.m.

Please visit the Rose City Rollers site for more information, to view a slide show, and to sign the guest book.

Another Fundraiser on Rocktober 9th!

If you went to the last GnR fundraiser at The Tube, you know it was a whole lot of awesome, and you know that you don't want to miss the GnR fundraiser coming up on the 9th at Plan B.

On the other hand, if you missed the last GnR fundraiser at The Tube, it was a whole lot of awesome, and you won't want to miss the GnR fundraiser coming up on the 9th at Plan B.

The fundraiser at Plan B is slightly more complicated than the one at The Tube, so you may want to pay close attention here. First, this fundraiser will be at Plan B not at The Tube. Some of you may have misunderstood last time and not gone to The Tube, and you don't want to screw up like that again. So on the 9th, you must go to Plan B.

Second, this fundraiser will cost you five bucks. No, you don't get in free because you're pretty or cool or whatever. No, it won't cost you more than five bucks if you're not pretty or cool or whatever. It's five bucks. For everyone.

Third, there are bands. You don't have to pay attention to the bands, they'll play whether you pay attention or not. But they will be there. And you will pay five dollars.

If you miss this fundraiser, then you will not experience all of the great rock-tastic wonderfulment that is a GnR fundraising event.

For example, you will miss great rock-tastic wonderfulment like The Tube fundraiser's Raised Lighter Moment™ when Rocket Mean upon arriving declared to all:

Attention, lesbians! Rejoice, for I am wearing a push-up bra!

See, you do wish you hadn't missed that.

And now I am off to western regionals in Denver.

I'll be tweeting as @SnarkOnTheRocks if you care to be updated as to how the Wheels of Justice will roll over all challengers and carry the rose banner of all that is good and awesome to justly deserved victory!

\m/

You buy drinks. GnR raises funds.

I'm just a silly boy, but the GnR fundraiser coming up Monday at the Tube seems like genius to me.

Here's how it works:

1. You go to the Tube.
2. You buy drinks and such.
3. GnR raises funds.

The hitch here is that #3 only works at the Tube (18 NW 3rd Ave), and it only works on Monday 21 September 2009.

But you don't have to do anything to make (3) happen except complete (1) and (2). I kid you not. You just (1) go to the Tube (this step is very important) and (2) buy drinks. That's it.

Magical really.

I can't think of a better fundraising idea since my fraternity at FNU convinced the Greek Counsel to let us drink beer for charity.

I don't know if you understand, so let me lay it out for you: We were going to drink beer anyway, and then we got to do it for charity.

You are probably going to be buying drinks sometime in the near future anyway. (Or snacks. That works too.) If you do that at the Tube on Monday night, you'll be doing it for charity (GnR).

The only way this could be easier is if the GnRs brought the drinks and snacks to you on your porch in return for your donation.

(Hey ... could we do that next time? And really, now that I'm thinking about it, the easiest thing to do would be for you to just give money to GnR. And I'm sure they'd have no problem with that. Really. I don't think I even need to ask them.)

So once more, all you need to do is (1) go to the Tube (this really is essential) and (2) buy drinks.

You don't need to talk to the GnRs there (though you can). You don't need to stay very long (though you should). You don't even need to blush when they gush their thanks to you (though they will). None of that is required.

Now I understand some of you are saying, "But I have no plans to buy drinks. Ever."

That's fine. Because you can buy yummy things to eat at the Tube too.

And on top of that, the Genius Fundraising Plan™ doesn't require that you buy the drinks (or snacks) for yourself. No. You can buy drinks (or snacks) for anyone.

Seriously.

You don't want to buy drinks (or snacks) for yourself? No problem. You can buy drinks (or snacks) for the GnRs. They'll thank you even more!

And, coincidentally, it's Rocket Mean's birthday. She's 21! So you've got a perfect excuse to buy drinks (or snacks) for her. And since her 21st birthday only comes around once a year, you'll have to wait a whole year for such an opportunity again. That's a chance you really shouldn't miss: you get to buy Mean a drink (or snack, or several drinks, or snacks) for her birthday and for charity!

Oh, what do the GnRs need to raise money for? Rainbow socks mostly. That's what I've heard anyway.

So let's go over this one more time because it really is simple (and genius) and you'll be really embarassed if you screw this up:

1. You go to the Tube.
2. You buy drinks (or snacks).
3. GnR gets money.

Why would you not do this?

And what would you rollergirls like to drink (or eat)?

\m/

I Am an Idiot

(And there's a GnR car wash on Sunday the 30th from 11-3 at Andy & Bax.)

So I don't know how many times I've seen the GnR car wash flyer, been Twittered about it, or received facebook invitations to it, but I am an idiot.

All along, I've been thinking that it was on Saturday the 29th rather than Sunday the 30th.

(In my own defense, I've spent far too much time trying to figure out what exactly the clip art rollergirl is doing to that Challenger. And is that a piece of gum stuck to her hip?)

Here I'd been getting excited, looking forward to an afternoon of dirty cars, soapy rollergirls, and fistfuls of cash donations. But now that I know that the car wash will actually be on Sunday 30 August (I've always been right about the location—Andy & Bax on the corner of SE Pine and Grand—and the time—from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m.), I have nothing to look forward to this weekend at all.

Because I won't be able to be there, you all better provide me with all the details and many most excellent stories of car wash shenanigans (true or otherwise).

(And there had better be a dirty, dirty ice cream truck to clean up. And pictures.)

"Dirty cars, and they're done washed clean!" \m/

Welcome To The Jungle

Mercyful Kate

©JoeRollerfan.com Used by kind permission.

Congrats to Mercyful Kate and Suki Hana who were drafted from Fresh Meat onto GnR on Tuesday night.

GnR couldn't resist picking up a skater with a rocking derby name like Mercyful Kate. Originally a Rainy City Roller Doll along with Napalm Beth, she's a regular with the Axles of Annihilation and a former High Roller who decided that sparkly green and purple didn't go well with her red hair. Making an unorthodox choice in the roller derby world, she decided to change her uniform rather than her hair. Don't you think she'll be stunning in black? (And pink? And leopard print? And tiger? And rainbows? And all?)

Suki Hana

Suki Hana is rumored to have played for a league far, far away, so we'll have to check into that and see what cheap tricks new tactics she's brought along with her.

I don't know Suki yet, and her pic was shamelessly fished out from the modern inter-webs (discuss: "google" vs. "creepy"), so if you do know her, tell us more in the comments.

Former GnR captain Viva Vendetta and Fresh Meat skater Penny Dreadful were picked up by the High Rollers at Tuesday's draft. The Breakneck Betties drafted Frisky Sour, and the Heartless Heathers added Hard Candy and Knotty to their roster.

Be sure to congratulate the former Fresh Meat and free agents who've found new homes. A good place to do that would be at Saturday's Wheels of Justice bout with the Muñecas Muertas of Duke City (for which very, very few tickets are remaining).

GnR Car Wash!

Come show the rockers your love (and your dirty cars and bikes) at the Guns n Rollers car wash fundraiser. Spandex ain't cheap and we're going to need quite a lot of it for our new uniforms for next season! Sunday August 30th from 11-3 at the parking lot of the ever-so-generous GnR sponsor Andy & Bax (324 SE Grand Ave). (No wit. But see new post for my idiocy. [Edited by Grant, Friday 28 August 2009.])

WoJ Car Wash

This Saturday, Wheels of Justice are washing cars to raise money to get them to the regional and national tournaments. This means that GnRs Axl, Blood, GMT, and Wrench need your support.

It's on Saturday 25 July from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. at Voodoo Doughnut's second location on 1501 NE Davis in Portland.

Bring a donation for WoJ and your dirty car, bike, or whatever—they say they'll wash anything that's dirty!

[Edit: GMT's just suggested that "anything" may well include people. I suppose you'll just have to show that you're dirty?]

And that claim really is just too good to ignore, dontcha think?

I mean, there should be a catchy slogan to promote that sort of thing. Something like: "WoJ: We'll wash anything that's dirty, really!" or maybe "WoJ: Soaping up the dirty parts!"

But I'm sure you all can come up with something much, much better.

Comment away! \m/

Mullet Elected Co-Captain

GnR has recently elected Mullet to join Blood Clottia as co-captain for next season.

Mullet new GnR co-captain.

Mullet seems to me to be an excellent choice here, and along with the changes that the end-of-season retirements will necessarily bring, I'm excited to see the GnR captaincy now supercharged with the Awesome Power of the Mullet™.

The impression I get from GnR skaters is that their captains act as sort of a combination of platoon commander and Girl Scout den mother. Okay, I don't really know what either of those things are, but the way I understand it, the GnR captains plan the practices, write the line-ups for bouts, and submit the official 15-skater roster before each bout.

They go to team meetings, league meetings, captains meetings to talk about "secret stuff" (Cherry Lipsmacker's description—I know so little that things that are secret from rollergirls aren't even unknown unknowns for me), more meetings, extra meetings, and meta-meetings to decide what meetings they'll have next (now that I think about it, there may not actually be as many meetings as they suggested there were—I'll try to meet with them and get back to you about that).

They make sure that their skaters are covering all their required volunteer hours (like setting up and tearing down after bouts) and selling all their bout tickets. They explain to the other teams that when the Harmacist calls them names, it means she likes them (a lot like with twelve-year-old boys). And they let those skaters who they couldn't fit onto the roster for a bout know that they won't be skating for that bout but that they have to be there just the same.

Blood Clottia continues as co-captain.

On top of that, the GnR captains take primary responsibility for the overall team strategy, which seems less about X's and O's on chalkboards and more about keeping the team and the individual skaters focused on and excited about the goals they've all agreed on.

And then they're the first in line to drag a skater out of whatever wallow she's headed for after a rough bout: When one of the GnRs is sneaking out of the hangar and thinking she's off to pitch her new Riedell 595s into the next dumpster and head home alone with a case of PBR tallboys, a box of wine, and a fifth of Jägermeister to scrounge through her phone's call history and see if she might still have the number of that "roommate" she kicked out two years ago—the one who the other GnRs know only as "Lying, Cheating, Satan-Spawn (with Multiple Open Sores)"—it's the GnR captains who are first to intervene with kind words and sincere renditions of 1980s power ballads.

(You really haven't lived until you've you've seen Blood break out Toto's "Africa" or Mullet's heartfelt-but-not-overblown "Every Rose Has Its Thorn.")

Viva Vendetta a free agent.

Mullet replaces Viva Vendetta, who has announced her free agency. After four seasons skating for GnR, Viva figures that she's probably only got one or two seasons left in her (see previous post about how long skaters can keep this up), and she wants to see what things are like skating for a different team.

I haven't heard any of the GnRs say anything that's not totally supportive of her decision, and no, none of that "support" has sounded like "Yes, I love it that Viva's gonna go skate somewhere else--it'll be great not to have her dragging us down anymore!"

And it's not like Blood Clottia wasn't a Betty in some alternate universe. Not that she wasn't sexy in red, but I do think that Blood looks much better in black (or a leopard-print unitard, depending on the occasion).

So whatcha think about Mullet-powered GnR in 2010?

\m/

Retiring Skaters

I apologize: I am a bad blogger. You've wanted to hear gossip, and I haven't told you anything.

I blame OCD Boy (that is, me—and no, that's not my derby name), who wants to know everything exactly and get everything just right before I post it. But if I knew the whole deal, it really wouldn't be gossip, would it?

So here are a few things:

First, the GnR head out of town to go camping this weekend. I imagine this to be something like a cross between Deadwood, South Dakota in the HBO series, the nocturnal activities of Abigail Williams and friends, and Col. Kurtz's compound in Apocalypse Now.

They've kept the location a secret, though we can assume that's it not so remote that they can't easily haul in cases and cases of PBR, boxes of cheap wine, jugs of tequila, and whatever else they need for a few days in the woods. I just hope that one of them has thought to mail their location to a loved one, so in case they haven't all turned up back at work by sometime in the middle of next week, we can send Martin Sheen up the river after them.

Second, with the end of the 2009 season, several long-time GnRs have announced their retirements: Grace Lightning, Itzo EZ, Paradise Kitty, RollaReina, and Aurora Brutalis.

It's always hard to see the rollergirls we love return to the non-derby (i.e. "real") world, but they give so much of themselves to their sport that we do realize that they can only keep it up for so long.

Besides practicing at least three days each week, they volunteer for the charities that RCR supports, promote the sport, sell tickets for bouts, and do pretty much all of the work setting up and clearing out the hangar and the Expo Center before and after they skate their bouts. And they pay dues for the privilege of doing it all.

I know we'd love to see them all keep skating forever, but we've also got to understand and support them when they decide that they need to give their attention back to the non-derby slice of their lives: their families, their (paying) careers, their physical therapy, you know, all those things that the rest of us give *all* of our attention to all the time. For a few years, rollergirls give themselves to derby and to us derby fans, and we can't be too grudging about giving them back to their families, their children, their husbands, their wives, their boyfriends, girlfriends, parents, and friends. And it only seems fair that they get their rollergirl back with her body more-or-less intact and functioning almost as well as when they willingly gave her up.

Grace, Kitty, and EZ are all founding GnRs and Rose City Rollers, so they've put in more than four seasons. Grace has struggled with injuries for a while now; she's had surgery on her shoulder at least once already, and it may still need further surgery later on.

After injuring her ACL, EZ was officially removed from the roster earlier in the season, so GnR could draft Guts & Bolts and Sugar & Vice. She's still in physical therapy and has decided that she won't be skating next season either.

While Paradise Kitty still has two fully functioning knees, she's going back to school this fall and doesn't have time for both classes and derby.

RollaReina started the second season with GnR (and was co-captain with Wrench for the third), and Aurora Brutalis was drafted at the end of that same season. While both are still healthy (and still want to kick ass), their lives have gotten extra full over the last few years. To make room for the house she now owns with her partner and for nursing school, which starts this fall, Reina's decided that she simply doesn't have the time to commit to school and derby.

Brutes has already had to pay extra dues because she doesn't have time for derby commitments beyond "just" practices and bouts. Starting her clinic rotations now, she's felt that she's had to choose her patients over derby, which is no good for derby but probably very good for her patients.

I've spent hours already looking back at the pictures from the first two seasons and couldn't choose pics of the retiring skaters to include, so I'll see if they've got any favorites when they come out of the woods. Until then, you should look back through those older photo sets yourselves. Steve Price has an almost complete run here, and there are links at the Rose City Rollers site.

Now I'm all sad, and I'll have to decide whether I need to listen to Bonnie Tyler or Novemeber Rain.

Oh well, I can always listen to both. A few times.

2009 Championships Bout Frustrates GnR

Well.

The Guns N Rollers's bout for third place with the Heartless Heathers left GnR in fourth place at the end of the 2009 season.

While I've tried several times to write up a tongue-in-cheek account of the bout, each time I've ended up just feeling as frustrated as I did during the bout. So if you're a GnR fan and you want to re-live the bout and get yourself all worked up again, you're on you're own.

If you're a GnR fan, and you missed the championships, here's what you missed: Some of the best derby I've seen.

In the actual championship bout, the Breakneck Betties and the High Rollers skated fast and hard. And though the Betties won 124-109, that win was never certain, and they finished with the High Rollers grabbing at the back of their pretty red blouses.

White Flight = Awesome.

The event of the night was HR's White Flight. No, she wasn't the "skater" of the night, she really was the event.

Midway through the second period, Flight took a shot to the head that left her laying on the ground, and it was only after a tense several minutes that she was helped to her feet and left the track carrying her skates and hanging around the paramedics' shoulders. But just a few jams later, she was lined up with Rhea DeRange again on the jammer line. And she went on tearing things up.

And White Flight is now on the current Wheels of Justice roster. Because she rocks.

So let's all see more of that (well, minus the anxious minutes with a skater on the floor).

Agreed?

\m/ \m/

Cham-peen-ships!

The 2009 Season Championship Bout are this Saturday at the Expo Center. Doors open at 5 p.m. Skating at 6 p.m.

While GnR maybe aren't exactly skating in the "championship" bout, they are certainly skating in the Championships. And this bout against the Heathers won't be any different from their other bouts because the kick-ass bruisers of GnR skate every bout like it's the championship bout.

GnR have been very busy since their last bout against the Betties. (Yes. I just brought that up again. I'm sorry. We'll wait while you listen to "November Rain" again. See you in 9 minutes 12 seconds....) There's been the Portland Pride Parade, scrimmages in Rainy City, happy hour and cheap tickets, but I managed to get them all together (except for Hard Knox, who seems to spend most days in her pajamas, drinking and watching some Whitesnake video over and over) to talk about the last bout of the season.

Me: So, GnR seems to have been having trouble the last few bouts....

Viva Vendetta: Yeah, we've been livin' at a pace that kills, but you know how it is, right, you got to roll with the punches and get to what's real. I mean, we've been letting the other teams drive us wild—

Smack Ya Sideways: —but now we'll drive them crazy. She throws horns: \m/

Aurora Brutalis: Exactly. It's like we've been saying, "Show us everything you've got" and then just letting the other teams pull our strings—

Axl Blows: —We've let them twist our minds and smash our dreams out there.—

Aurora Brutalis: —but now what we're saying is "Hey, taste me, you will see how we're dedicated to killing you."

Me: So you're really ramping up the attitude out there?

Napalm Beth: Absolutely. This is the last bout this season, and now the time is here for GnR to spread fear.

Paradise Kitty: The other teams, I think they may think we've lost our minds, may wonder if we can see or are we blind, are we alive or dead, and why should they even care at this point, but we've been planning our vengeance—

Grace Lightning: That's right, Kitty! And I can't wait to fill the Heathers full of dread and see them running as fast as they can from us.

Fist O'Fury: Right, because if they think we'll sit around as the world goes by, they're thinking like a fool because at this point it's a case of do or die. And if you think we'll let it go, you're mad.

Gwen'nich Mean Time: Yeah, I may not be able to skate this weekend, but I just want to tell the Heathers, you've got another thing coming!

RollaReina: And I just want to say that I am a rocker. And the Heathers may have laughed at us or tried to make us feel inferior, but why? Because we rat our hair? Because we like animal prints? Because we wear bandannas? Well, we're rockers. And we're proud of it.

Aurora Brutalis: Hell yeah, Reina! We are rockers, and we want all of our GnR alumni—

November Pain: —like Rocket Mean and JahNasty and Vixen Mary and the Harmacist—

Punchkin: —and everyone who's ever worn Lycra pants—

Napalm Beth: —or acid wash denim—

Cher The Pain: —or held up a lit Zippo during "Open Arms"—

Aurora Brutalis: —whether you think you're a rocker or not, we want you to come out Saturday night and join us—

RollaReina:—Just join us. Because no one's really gonna be free until rocker persecution ends.

All the GnRs get really quiet then, and I'm sure I can hear "We Are The Champions" playing in the background. And then I feel my throat get a little scratchy and my eyes start to water a little bit. It's my allergies, you understand. And while we're ordering another round, I notice that a lot of the GnRs are also having the same symptoms: they're sniffling or rubbing their eyes or something. And it has been bad the last few weeks for people with allergies, so I'm sure that's what it is.

As we're getting our next drinks, and we all seem to be feeling better, I start asking questions again.

Me: You have several skaters that have struggled with injuries this season. Can anyone say something about that?

Itzo EZ: Well, not being able to skate is really taking it's toll. It's like people think I'm insane because I am frowning all the time. And all day long I think of things, but nothing seems to satisfy, you know?

Mullet: Oh, I know, EZ. For me, it's like I need someone to show me the things in life that I can't find right now. Right now, I can't see the things that make true happiness....

Sugar & Vice: Oh, Grant, now look what you've done to this rock and roll clown. Oh, look what you've done.

Me: Um, I'm really sorry. I really didn't mean to make Mullet cry like that. I mean, I hate to look into those eyes and see an ounce of pain... Anyway, without giving away any secret strategies or anything, can you tell me anything specific that you're lining up for the bout this weekend?

Blood Clottia: Well, I don't know how specific we can be about that. I mean, we've found the simple life ain't so simple, and we'll play our part and they'll play their game, but Mullet, she says we've got to hold on to what we've got—

Guts & Bolts: —and it doesn't make a difference if we make it or not...

Punchkin: That's true, we've got each other, and that's a lot...

Cher The Pain: For sure, we'll give it a shot—

Wrench: Oh, c'mon, Cher. We're halfway there—

Blood Clottia: Hey! We're not just "giving it a shot" and we're way more than "halfway there"! I thought we'd made up our minds, we ain't wasting no more time!

November Pain: That's right! C'mon, rise up!

Blood Clottia: Gather round!

Mullet: Yeah, let's rock this place to the ground!

Smack Ya Sideways: We're gonna burn it up! Let's go for broke!

Grace Lightning: We can watch the night go up in smoke!

Viva Vendetta: Rock on!

Fist O'Fury: Rock on!

Paradise Kitty: Drive me crazier!

Gwen'nich Mean Time: We'll get wild, wild, wild!

Cherry Lipsmacker: Yeah, together we can make it to the end of the line. Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time. (She starts to sing:) I don't know what to do, and I'm always in the dark; we're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks!

November Pain puts her arms around Cherry's shoulders and helps her down off the table: Um, Cherry, that's not a butt rock song. Remember how we talked about that?

Wrench: Yeah, Cherry. How about some Ratt or something?

Itzo EZ: Poison?

Axl Blows: Warrant maybe?

At that point, I decided to sneak out before any of them realized that I listen to a lot of The Cure and Depeche Mode. And that I have that Bonnie Tyler record on vinyl. I didn't want to find out how that might turn out for me.

\m/ \m/

Upcoming Events

Lots of events in the next week:

Saturday 20 June. Day. Wheels of Justice and Axles of Annihilation scrimmage Rat City Rollergirls and Rainy City Roller Dolls. Hosted by Rainy City (Napalm Beth

Napalm Beth

©pdxsharkey (aka Steve Mancini)
masoniteburn@gmail.com
Used by kind permission.

Napalm Beth's old cohorts) in Centralia. There must be details somewhere....

Saturday 20 June. Night. High Rollers promise "a night of dancing, roller skates and a little ass" at Motocorsa.

Wednesday 24 June 6-7:30 p.m. Happy Hour with GnR at the Side Door Tavern. 425 SE Washington St Portland, OR 97214.

Wednesday 24 June 7:30-9 p.m. Cheap Ticket Night with GnR at the Night Light Lounge. Get four tickets to the championship bout for the price of three!

Saturday 27 June. Doors open at 5 p.m. for 2009 Championship Bout at Portland Expo Center. Get tickets if you haven't already!

Semi-Final Bout vs. Betties

I wasn't able to be at last Saturday's bout against the Betties. The plan was to have someone else write up a bout recap, but when I asked any of the GnRs about the bout, they just slumped their shoulders, shook their head slowly, and sighed. The few skaters I could get to make any comment at all just muttered something barely audible.

When I could make out anything they were saying, it sounded something like "all my fault" or "let everyone down" or "don't deserve to ever skate again." Then Mullet

Mullet

©pashaproductions.com
Used by kind permission.

Mullet had to call them and talk them out of quitting derby forever and spending the rest of the weekend drinking a cocktail of Early Times and Pepto-Bismol out of their stinky, sweaty skates.

If you weren't at the bout and really must know some details about it, you can check out what the Coroner had to say here.

Otherwise just congratulate Aurora Brutalis

Aurora Brutalis

©pdxsharkey (aka Steve Mancini)
masoniteburn@gmail.com
Used by kind permission.

Aurora Brutalis on the bout of her career, tell Blood Clottia how sexy she looks in a leopard-print unitard, and be ready with a gift basket of PBR, Jägermeister, and an assortment of fortified wines (all neatly wrapped up in a bandana).

You might also want to have their mother, Mullet, or Rocket Mean on speed dial.

And I'd count on sticking around to listen to "November Rain" a few dozen times through too.

Skippy Steve's pics from the bout are here. I've heard Angel Priest has pics up too, but I didn't see them at his SmugMug page. If anyone has a link, please post it in the comments.