Guns N Rollers Official Blog

Guns N Rollers News

2012-01-30T16:26:00.000-08:00

Hey rockers! Time for a GNR News Flash:

Road Trip!

Our very own butt-rocking beauties Untamed Shrew, Roller Eclipse, Juvie Hall, and Scouts Onher hit the road to bolster the roster of the Heartless Heathers for their bout against the Eugene Andromedolls last weekend. It's hard to picture Shrew in blue, but kudos to all for making the jaunt down I-5 to play some derby with their fellow Rose City Rollers. The Heathers and Co. dished out a 168-60 schooling to the Andromedolls.

Travel Team!

Tryouts for the 2012 travel team turned out quite a showing of Guns N Rollers skaters. Seven (that's right, seven) GNR proved they have the right stuff to compete with the big dogs. Congrats to Scald Eagle, Havana Goodtime, newcomer Frank N Hurter, and Squid Vicious for joining the ranks of the elite Wheels of Justice. And double-horns to Braidy Punch, Juvie Hall, and the lovely Supa Sixpack for earning their first trip to the national level with Axles of Annihilation.

Well done, ladies! Rock on. \m/ \m/

Season Opener Recap

2012-01-26T19:34:00.000-08:00

Hey rockers! Now that we've all had a chance to let the thrill of the Guns N Rollers' amazing victory over the Heartless Heathers sink in, here is the summarized play-by-play of the action. Rock on! \m/ \m/

First Half

Jam 1: The first jam of the 2012 Season sees GNR's Squid Vicious take the line against the Heartless Heathers' The Blast Unicorn. Squid slips through the pack and earns lead jammer status with Blast not too far behind. Squid manages to clear the pack for 4pts and calls off the jam before Blast can reach the pack (GNR4-HH0).

Jam 2: Scald Eagle faces off against the Heathers; Teqkillya. Eagle earns lead jammer by has Teqkillya hot on her heels; she gets her 2pts from the Heathers' back wall and calls it (GNR6-HH0).

Jam 3: Supa Sixpack dons the jammer cap for GNR against Schemestress, but both take trips to the penalty box, and the jam goes the full 2min. Schemestress puts the Heathers on the board with 2pts and Sixpack picks up 4pts for GNR (GNR10-HH2).

Jam 4: In comes Braidy Punch, who racks up 15pts in a power jam and rockets GNR to a 25-2 lead. And GNR never looks back.

*At this point, I'm going to drop the GNR and HH from the running score. You guys are smart enough to keep track.*

Jam 5-9: A couple of GNR scoreless streaks give the Heathers an opportunity to mount a comeback, but the hard work of GNR's blockers hold the Heathers to scoreless/1-and-done jams, keeping GNR at a commanding lead (31-9).

Jam 10: Supa Sixpack puts 8pts on the board for GNR (39-9), followed by a 10pt jam from Scald Eagle (49-9).

Jam 12: Braidy Punch adds a grand slam to the tally, bringing the score to 54-13 as we take an official timeout.

Jam 14/15: Supa Sixpack gets sent to the penalty box in her jam against Toxic Haste, but comes out firing in the next jam, scoring 14pts for GNR (68-20).

Jam 18: New draft Scouts OnHer takes her first trip to the jam line. She's called out for an Illegal Procedure call, but comes back in and picks up 4pts while Teqkillya picks up 5pts to end the first half (80-25).

Second Half

Jam 19: GNR starts the second half with a scoreless jam by Untamed Shrew, who wisely calls off the jam with The Blast Unicorn hot on her heels (80-25).

Jam 20: GNR blockers clear the way up the middle for Juvie Hall, who earns lead jammer status and puts 2pts up for GNR (82-25).

Jam 22: After a small scoreless streak the Heathers' The Blast Unicorn manages to grab 4pts against Braidy Punch (84-29). A comeback by the Heathers does not seem likely.

Jam 23: Juvie Hall and her lanky stride make another appearance, scoring 4pts for GNR to Schemestress' 6pts (88-35).

Jam 24: Untamed Shrew's famous 25pt jam. GNR blockers hold Heathers jammer Toxic Haste scoreless (and Havana Goodtime lays her out with a massive sternum-buster) while Shrew laps her again and again for five grand slams, putting GNR into double-digits (113-35).

Jam 27-35: GNR continues to rack up points during a 9-jam scoreless streak for the Heathers. Somewhere in there (after Jam 28) the Heathers' French Tickler gets ejected for accumulating too many penalty minutes (155-44).

Jam 36: Teqkillya finally snaps the Heathers' dry spell with a 4pt jam. Squid Vicious makes a final push and manages to reach the pack for 1pt before Teqkillya calls off the jam (156-48).

Jam 39: Untamed Shrew wears the jammer cap against Baccha Nailya. She earns lead jammer status and picks up 4pts while she waits for the game clock to expire. It finally does, and Shrew calls off the jam with 1:13 left on the jam clock. Final score: 164-56 and a win for GNR. And the crowd goes wild.

Top GNR jammers Untamed Shrew: 47pts Scald Eagle: 42pts Braidy Punch: 30pts Supa Sixpack: 26pts

Back in Black

2012-01-23T16:56:00.000-08:00

In the immortal words of AC/DC:

'Cause I'm back on the track

And I'm leadin' the pack

Nobody's gonna get me on another rap

So look at me now

I'm just makin' my play

Don't try to push your luck, just get out of my way

'Cause I'm back!

Ok rockers, let me explain something to you all. This is my third season as a die-hard fan of the Guns N Rollers. They were my favorite team from the moment I stepped into the hangar, and I haven't wavered once. Not during a lackluster Season 5 when nothing went spectacularly wrong, but GNR just couldn't get a win. Not even in Season 6 (last season) when five of GNR's best skaters hung up their GNR jerseys to play exclusively for the Wheels of Justice, leaving a gaping hole that no amount of hard work or Aqua Net seemed to be able to fill. I didn't turn my back on my favorite ladies in black, nor did I denounce them as a team or ever stop supporting them. Ok geez. You know where this is going, so I'll cut it short so I can move on to the important stuff. Blah blah, I never lost faith, blah dee blah blah. And then... GNR freaking won! Not only did they win, they absolutely destroyed the Heartless Heathers by a 108pt spread! Final score: 164-56. Rock. F***ing. On.

There is simply too much awesome from Saturday's bout for me to cover without this post becoming one giant GNR love letter (which I'm sure loyal GNR fans would be fine with, but I have a short attention span). So I picked out what I felt were the most important stories of the night. They are as follows:

New Uniforms

GNR looked super-snazzy in their new threads, which arrived literally the day before the big opener. GNR's uniform has always been "no uniform", mixing it up with band tees and denim, jerseys and whatever-bottoms, occasionally throwing in some coordination. Their lack of uniformity certainly lent itself well to GNR's motley, misfit vibe. But GNR wanted to be taken more seriously this season, and those fancy duds were certainly a good start. Of course, a commanding win over a higher-ranked team would help too. Oh wait. That happened.

GNR Defense

The jammers get all the attention. It makes sense- they score the points. It's easier to count points earned than, say, sternum-busts (if I had to guess, I'd say Havana Goodtime had about a million of those). And jammers do have to be agile, sneaky little things to juke out blockers who are perpetually trying to knock them on their ass. But the unsung heroes are the blockers, who booty-block skaters out of their jammer's way, creating holes while keeping the opposing jammer stuck in the back of the pack. For example, Untamed Shrew (I'll talk more about her later) had a 25pt jam in the second half of the bout. Five grand slams is already a hell of a big deal. But the other amazing story about that jam was that it was not a power jam. Va Va BOOM, Havana Goodtime, and Scald Eagle managed to keep Heartless Heathers jammer Toxic Haste from ever completing her intial pass, while still clearing three Heathers blockers out of the way for Shrew to make five trips through the pack for her 25pt jam. Lots of Heathers jammers were held scoreless thanks to the solid efforts of GNR's blockers. Speaking of which- I am so digging the Havana Goodtime/Frank N Hurter combo. Smart, effective blocking times two. Ain't no one gettin' by those ladies. And now, let's break from the words and look at some defensive numbers:

1.44- the average points per jam scored by the Heathers. I prefer to think of it as "points allowed by GNR blockers", cuz it makes this super-low number much more impressive (and we are talking about defense, after all).

>10 (less than 10)- the points allowed by GNR blockers in a single jam. A fluke 9pt jam happened when the Heathers jammer (my notes say Baccha Nailya, but the stats folks seem to think it was Effy Stone 'Em), came out of the penalty box and snuck through while GNR blockers were otherwise occupied (helping their jammer get unstuck from the back of the pack). Otherwise, it was a lot of 1-and-done jams, with a few random 4-pointers here and there.

25- the number of total jams the GNR blockers kept the Heathers jammer from scoring even one single point. That's out of 39 jams.

9- this one is my favorite. It's the number of jams in a row GNR blockers kept the Heathers scoreless. As in, no points scored. Was it because the Heathers jammers were always in the box? Nope. Was it because the GNR blockers controlled the pack and stymied the Heathers jammers? Absolutely.

GNR Offense

Oh Untamed Shrew. You're so good. Your 25pt jam had the crowd on its collective feet, and your victorious yell as you tore off your jammer cap electrified the very air in the Coliseum. You humbly give credit to your amazing teammates who blocked for you, and rightly so. But you're a derby goddess, through and through. Own it. You scored 47 points, more than the three top Heathers jammers combined. You earned lead jammer status in all of the 8 jams you skated in (I know I told you 7 of 8 but yeah, my notes were wrong...). You're just...just... *shakes head in disbelief* ...you're just the sh**. And now I'm sensing that you're feeling uncomfortable with all this attention, so I'll move on. Also the sh**: Braidy Punch. Braidy started her adult derby career with a 15pt power jam. She racked up 30 total points for GNR in her 7 trips to the jam line. Scald Eagle continued to soar her way into our hearts (yes, the analogy is corny and trite, I know- sue me) by putting 42 points on the board. And who could forget the stadium-wide Eagle cheer during the first-half official time-out? I haven't seen such unified flapping of arms in a sports arena since the end of Angels In the Outfield (yeah that's right, I dusted off that little gem of a reference and threw it out there).

Penalties

Oh man, I really don't want to talk about this. But I have to, just for a second. GNR racked up a whopping 31 major penalties and spend a combined total (between all skaters) of 39 in the penalty box. Only 6 of those trips to the box were GNR jammers, which isn't so bad. And I'm not one to complain about a 164-56 final score. But oh my gosh you guys, GNR left a lot of points on the track by having the penalty trouble they did. That being said, it's not unusual in any sport for the officiating crew to get a bee in their bonnet and decide to spend the entire game watching for one specific penalty. That definitely happened on Saturday- a lot of back blocks got missed, but I"ve never seen so many Illegal Procedure penalties called! Who knows, next time they might miss even more egregious back blocks because they'e decided to be on the lookout for oh, I don't know, multi-player blocks. But that's all the more reason to play a tight, clean game, so they can't call you on the random little things you usually wouldn't think about. Stay out of the box, GNR!

To sum up: GNR played awesome, looked awesome, and is awesome. Thet controlled the pack, made smart decisions on the track, and forced the Heathers to play their game, their way. All the blood, sweat, and tears are finally paying off- GNR has arrived on the scene as a real contender in the league.

ALSO! (I told you there was too much awesome to fit in one post) A huge shout-out to Coach Bexter Morgan and new-comer Bleed 'Em And Reap (of Portland Men's Roller Derby) for coaching GNR to their well-deserved, long-overdue victory!

ALSO ALSO! (Seriously, too much awesome) GNR4Life (and all-around classy lady) November Pain had this to say about the bout, which was so well-put and awesome that I have to share it:

"I was on the edge of my seat, and never because it was close, just because I couldn't wait to see more and more pink & black domination!"
Rock on, GNR! Rock on.

***The Guns N Rollers play their next bout at the hangar on Saturday, Feb. 18, against the #1-ranked High Rollers***

Countdown to Opening Night

2012-01-10T15:30:00.000-08:00

Hooooold onto your butts, rockers! The Season 7 Opener at Memorial Coliseum is less than two weeks away! In a mere 12 days your favorite animal print-clad skaters will be taking the track to battle last season's #3 team, the Heartless Heathers. The gang is back in black, and it's gonna be mental. Can you feel it?!

The Guns N Rollers are arguably a completely different team than we saw last season. This is only partly due to the recent retirements/drafts of personnel. The big difference is in skill level and, more importantly, determination. They want to win. They can taste it. In fact, GNR is going into the opener with blood already on their lips. Did you know that every Wednesday night the home teams gather in the hangar to scrimmage against each other? With scorekeepers and refs and everything. Furthermore, did you know that GNR has beaten the High Rollers and the Break Neck Betties at these scrimmages? I'll say it again, cuz I love saying it. The Guns N Rollers beat the High Rollers and the Betties in scrimmage. The High Rollers. And the Betties. Beaten by GNR. Rock. On.

Speaking of new personnel, GNR has made some very wise draft selections in the off-season. If you caught the Rookie Bout last month you saw Va Va BOOM tear it up (she sure doesn't skate like she's new on the tour bus!). And if you've ever seen a Rosebuds bout or even heard of Portland's Junior Roller Derby League, chances are you've heard of Braidy Punch. As in the toughest, awesomest (yeah I know it's not a word, ok?), most hard-core skater ever to age out of the Rosebuds and join the ranks of adult derby. This girl is wicked fast and has already been kicking ass on the track for years. In the most recent draft GNR picked up FranknHurter (previously of the Bay Area Derby Girls) and Scouts OnHer. I haven't had a chance to see either of these ladies skate yet (unless I saw Frank in a B.A.D. bout and don't remember, which is likely). But hell, GNR has been right on the money with their draft decisions so far. Rosters for the opener were just announced and haven't made it to this blogger's hot little hands yet, so I can't tell you exactly who will be rocking the track for GNR. But I'll bet my biggest can of Aqua Net and my vintage AC/DC concert t-shirt that Braidy Punch will be skating her first bout of her adult life at the Coliseum very soon.

And while we're on the subject of personnel, let's talk about GNR's opening opponent, the Heartless Heathers. The Heathers suffered a mass exodus during the off-season, taking their roster down to a scant 14 players. They have since drafted six new skaters and lost one to injury (formidable blocker and total sweetheart Chinadoll Assassin is out with a busted tib/fib). We saw new draftees Behexen and Mortar N Pistol skate well in the Rookie Bout, and one of the newest Heathers, Toxic Haste, is a former Rosebud. Bella Constricter is a transfer from somewhere (NOOOO... there can be only one Bella- GNR4Life Bella Massacre!). Moxie Roxem worked her way from Wreckers to Fresh Meat to the Ice Palace, and I don't know a thing about new draftee Headache. Feel free to fill in the blanks. The Heathers still have some pesky solid talent in skaters like Schemestress, French Tickler, and White Flight, who will be a nuisance for GNR. But I have a feeling this will be the season of rebuilding for the Heathers that GNR experienced last year. Nobody likes a blowout but hey, let's be honest, this bodes well for GNR (and their loyal fans who like to see their team win).

So pull out all your best animal-print spandex and tease that hair 'til it touches the sky! Throw up your horns and let loose your best rebel yell! Cut up that t-shirt and start safety-pinning it back together! The Guns N Rollers can't wait to show you what's in store this season. They're gonna rock your f***ing socks off.

The Season 7 Opener is Saturday, January 21 at 5:45pm, at the Memorial Coliseum. Click here for tickets and info. Rock on! \m/ \m/

Draft Results

2012-01-02T14:07:00.000-08:00

Ok, I know I'm late to the party on this one. GNR made a couple of brilliant draft selections last week, picking up Scout's OnHer and FrankNHurter. Frank comes to us from the Bay Area Derby Girls, and Scout found her way to the Jungle through the Fresh Meat program. Welcome to the Jungle, ladies! Rock on! \m/ \m/

2011-12-14T19:15:00.000-08:00

Welcome [back] to the Jungle, Guns N Rollers fans! It's been a while. As we gear up for the 2012 season (which officially begins January 21) let's take a moment to catch up with our favorite fishnet-wearing, butt-rocking ladies in black. A lot has happened since they ended the 2011 season by imploring us not to stop believing (to Journey's 'Don't Stop Believing'). Remember that magical moment? Yeah, I heard they made people cry. In a good way.

Season 6 Wrap-Up

Here's a quick recap of how last season ended. GNR went into the Season 6 Championships ranked #4, which pitted them against the Heartless Heathers for the #3 spot. And holy crap, you guys, GNR played amazing! Our ladies played smart, played together, and managed to put into practice all the awesome things they've been working on throughout the season (but hadn't been able to use). They didn't just hang in there, they managed to shut down the Heathers for the entire first half. Sadly though, they seemed to use up all their rock'n'roll juju in the first 30 minutes and were unable to put up the fight to beat the Heathers. But let me tell you, that first half was pure magic. Very tricky, GNR, to give us just a little taste of what you're capable of, then make us wait until next season (which is, of course, this season) to see more.

The Off-Season

So here's what usually happens around the Rose City Rollers come summertime: skaters usually take a little time off, team practices are infrequent and much less demanding, basically everyone disappears for the summer until it's time to re-emerge for pre-season training. But apparently GNR couldn't wait to start buckling down and getting serious about winning in their next season. While other teams took advantage of the "optional team practice time", GNR was back in the hangar and on a weekly schedule before you could say "sweet child of mine". They gritted their teeth and dug in with renewed determination.

Pre-Season

On December 3 the most recent seven draftees of the Guns N Rollers joined hard-rocking forces with the rookies from the Break Neck Betties to take on the visiting Southern Oregon Rollergirls from Medford. Ironically, this "rookie bout" featured some of last season's most influential skaters like the lovely Supa Sixpack and the incomparable Untamed Shrew. Roller Eclipse, Tyger Bomb, Squid Vicious, Artemis Foulmouth, and newest draftee Va Va BOOM also took the track. And what a fun game it was! Although Sixpack was a constant in the jammer rotation, everybody got some time wearing the jammer cap. Tyger even put up some serious points amid a sea of cheering and horn-throwing. We were treated to multiple all-GNR line-ups (LOVED IT!), wherein we got to witness more of the smart pack play and strategy that our ladies in fishnets have been working on in their practices. The more I see GNR play together the more I see consistency in their awesomeness. It's not just hit-and-miss anymore. During last season's time of rebuilding I saw brief glimmers of what could be a kick-ass, amazing team. This season, GNR is ready. And it's on like Donkey Kong.

Retirements (GNR 4 Life)

Punchkin

Itzo EZ

Guts N Bolts

Bella Massacre

New Captains

Juvie Hall

Scald Eagle

New Drafts

Braidy Punch

Va Va BOOM

In Other News...

This summer Bella Massacre married PMRD's Demolition Man. It was a gorgeous affair, and we all wore 1920s garb and looked amazing.

Scald Eagle was voted MVP of Western Regionals! She has also been nominated for Derby News Network's Rookie of the Year. Voting runs Dec 19-23. Vote!

GNR is in fundraising mode for their world tour (i.e. Season 7). Show them some love and they'll show you some in return. I'll be talking more about this later. In the meantime, check out GNR's facebook page for more info. In fact, check out their page anyway. It's just cool.

Stay tuned for more news and posts from the Jungle via your humble blogger. Rock on! \m/

No, I do not hate the Heathers

2011-05-20T17:45:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted recently because it's seemed like I'd just be saying the same thing over and over: GnR's great but they keep losing to better teams. Blah, blah, blah.

But with this weekend's bout against the Heartless Heathers coming up, several different people have asked me why I hate the Heathers, so I'd like to take this opportunity to clear things up about that.

Here's the thing: I don't really hate the Heathers.

In fact, I don't believe that I've ever said any such thing. No, I've never said that I "hate" them, certainly not that's been documented anywhere or that I can't plausibly deny. I actually have almost nothing but affection for many of them, and I think they should be congratulated for having never set anyone on fire (at least not literally) and for never having appeared at pdxmugshots.com, which unfortunately can't be claimed by the GnR.

Unfortunately, however I might feel about the Heathers, we should all acknowledge that they are not without their shortcomings. Besides their admittedly cold and frosty natures, I'd like to point out that they are mean, maybe even a little bit evil. They also routinely use language that might be conservatively described as coarse, raunchy, and gruesomely explicit. And they smell.

It's true.

They stink. They reek.

They have an unpleasant odor.

The air around them is fouled.

A noxious pungency wafts from their direction. An oppressive fume precedes their appearance, and their absence leaves a rank effluvium.

The aroma of livestock and locker rooms dominates the Heathers' bouquet. Hints of caustic solvents and diesel fuel follow. It's possible to detect traces of brimstone and ash, perhaps wet dog or singed ape. The nose is reminded of childhood traumas, Victorian asylums for the criminally insane, festering wounds, and abattoirs. The harsh finish contains notes of urine and stale beer, and day-old sick lingers.

There is a stench. A funk.

With that said, I'd appreciate it if we could just put to rest this notion that I "hate" the Heartless Heathers. It's simply not true.

/snark

Note: Much of this post was not intended as a factual statement. Thank you.

High Rollers 174, Guns N Rollers 63

2011-03-27T22:22:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy week for me, and I've been trying to put together something coherent here about last weekend's Guns N Rollers bout against the High Rollers. My strength isn't in insightful, sportsy recap or analysis—it's in mocking stuff. But there's just not a lot about that bout to poke fun at because despite GnR losing by one hundred eleven points, I think it was some of the most fun derby I've seen.

GnR came out very strong and might have scared some of the High Rollers right out of their little green and gold pants if they weren't cinched on so tight. After that opening surge by GnR, the High Rollers buckled down, took over the bout, and held GnR to 33 points for the rest of the first period and into the second.

Despite mixing things up a bit, HRMF played to their strengths as an experienced team by opening up lanes for their jammers (often by drawing GnR's blockers to the inside and clearing the way for their jammer to pass on the outside) and by increasing the pace. Because HRMF as a team were able to maintain a pack speed that at times seemed absurdly fast, their better endurance wore out the GnR, and by weakening both GnR's offense and defense, the High Rollers were able to dominate the bout and keep an increasingly comfortable lead.

You could argue that the High Rollers kinda took it easy on the GnR: They often jammed newly drafted Illegally Blonde or rookie Napoleon Blownapart—who both burned up the track, and one of the strongest things about the High Rollers is that it's not very clear how much of that to credit to their individual skills and how much to credit to the HRMF pack work—or other skaters who rarely wear the star like Heidi Go Seek or Intensive Scare. On the other hand, regular HRMF jammers like Minstrel Psycho blocked in several jams. And they didn't roster Texine, Devaskating Deva, or Layla Smackdown.

So, the High Rollers made easy work of the Guns N Rollers—what's so much fun about that?

That initial surge from GnR—the first half of the first period—showed that they can threaten talented and more experienced teams. That the High Rollers adjusted their play to answer GnR's powerful opening says more about the High Rollers's strength than it does about GnR's weakness.

Scald Eagle is a blast to watch, but she's not the only jammer GnR has. Everyone but Handsome George loves to watch Scald twist, juke, and hop while she jams ("crazy and reckless," I think one skater called it), but she picks up lots of minors crashing through the pack. I remember her being "poodled" to clear her minors at least once, and while there's certainly short-term gains in jamming her as often as she can, I think she's potentially more effective as a blocker.

It's not as spectacular, but Scald can move just as easily through the pack as a blocker, which means that she can wall up in front, knock your skater out of bounds, stop dead and force her to re-enter play at the back of the pack, then skip to the front wall and do it again to another skater. Because that tactic can recycle an opposing jammer just as well as it can open a hole for her own jammer to skate through, I hope that with a little more experience, GnR's jamming will regularly fall to other skaters—including strong newcomers like Supa Sixpack and Untamed Shrew, and recently returned Guts & Bolts, the three of whom shared the bulk of the bout's jamming duties with Scald—and the Eagle won't be seen as GnR's "go to" jammer. Besides, that everyone goes both ways is just another one of the many joys of roller derby.

While the High Rollers were reliably able to shunt GnR's blockers out of the way of their jammers for the second half of the first period and for the first half of the second period, I was happy to see that GnR understood what was going on and was able to adjust to it. In fact, GnR constantly adjusted their line-ups, trying out different combinations of blockers and jammers.

Sure, I confess, I groaned at more than a few GnR blunders, but it doesn't take much to put those mistakes into context. Yes, Juvie Hall got surprised more than once by a HRMF jammer passing her on the outside. But as the outside skater of a three-skater wall, Juvie was being drawn inside with the other two skaters in that wall. I'd much rather see her stay in position relative to her teammates and force that jammer around all three of them than see her drawn out of position and allow an opening for the jammer to slip through. And as Juvie's and her teammates' pack awareness keeps improving, so will GnR's communication, and that blocker formation will get more and more nimble.

And yes, there were too many instances where the GnR jammer was trapped for too long behind a front wall of High Rollers. But when I recognized that Supa Sixpack or Untamed Shrew were skating in their first bout for GnR and that wall of High Rollers includes Hurricane Skatrina (former WoJ) and Intensive Scare (current RCR President—that'll make you think twice about how you want to hit her!), I'll accept that the Shrew or Sixpack might need some help there.

Still my favorite thing about this GnR team is how individual skaters rarely stand out. Past GnR teams have had trouble putting their individual skills together in winning combinations. (And I mean "winning" here in a literal points-scoring kind of way not in some high priest Vatican assassin warlock Charlie Sheen kind of way.)

Aside from Scald Eagle, no individual skaters really call much attention to themselves—and no one would really notice Scald if she weren't 6'9" tall—and I mean that in a good way. It makes it difficult to comment on how well any one skater is playing because you have to pay close attention to them. There are individual explosions of brilliance, sure, but on the whole, GnR's play isn't built around a few super-charismatic skaters or flashy hits (no, that's not a Harmicist reference) but on solid pack-work instead. And it's the High Rollers own pack play that's made them so strong—in my opinion, their most valuable skaters are all primarily blockers: Layla, Heidi, Scare, and Hurricane Skatrina—and it's what they used to beat the GnR last weekend and to win last season's championship.

I'm looking forward to seeing how this GnR team skates against the Overbeaters Anonymous at their fund-raising bout this Friday. Party-mix teams like this tend to be all about individual efforts because they don't have experience skating with other, so I'm excited to find out how well GnR works together against them. (You can get info at the RCR website.)

Just one more thing: I don't think there should be any disparaging remarks about the cowbell after Texine and Layla honked on those vuvuzelas all through the bout. (And, no, the fabulous green dresses don't balance things out.)

So would someone mind getting the cowbell out of the WoJ merch box and giving it back to me? I promise, I won't beat it near you.

Thanks! :)

\m/ \m/

/snark

More New Skaters

2011-03-17T09:43:00.000-07:00

Itzo EZ returned to GnR when she was drafted last Thursday!

She's still reffing, and so is Breakneck Betties skater Scrappy Go Lucky. There's also a rumor that newly re-drafted Betty D.Konstructor may try the skater-ref multiclass thing too, which is even better, in my opinion, than the very popular Fighter-Thief multiclass. Both referee and skater cultures should benefit from those sorts of inter-relations, I think.

Besides EZ, GnR also drafted Untamed Shrew (whose name really is "Kate"!) and a skater who may, I believe, be called Artemis Foulmouth (Teen-aged criminal genius? Profanity spewing? I like her already. And sound like a pedophile. :/ )

Also in this draft round, Lt. Uhurta and Baccha Nailya went to the Heartless Heathers; D.Konstructor returned to the Betties; and High Rollers picked up Illegally Blonde and Skeeve Holt! (exclamation mark required—Skeeve Holt!). I can't be as excited as actual Betties fans to see DK back on skates, but I am very excited about that. And as I'm contractually obligated to find the Heathers slimy and gross, I am very disappointed to see fine skaters like Uhurta (add your own "Hailing frequencies open, sir" jokes) and Nailya forced to join the stinkiest, coldest, and bluest team in the league.

Skeeve Holt! in particular needs to be recognized for her kind actions to prevent me from further sullying the reputation of the Wheels of Justice and to save everyone else in attendance at Wild West Showdown from my annoying and generally obnoxious drunkenness.

In an unusual instance of foresight, I had written a notenote to myself earlier in the day, and there is some evidence that I'd managed to follow my sober self's advice—Cherry City's Squid Vicious says that I gave her a beer—for at least a few hours. Unfortunately, I hadn't thought that I might actually become completely illiterate before dark, and that, I think, may have been the true flaw in my plan. By the time the bout between Rose and Rat had started, my brain was so completely dissolved in alcohol that if you'd unscrewed the top of my head, poured ice and some kind of mixer into my skull, and stirred it all up, you would have had a batch of strong cocktails for you and a handful of friends. Me, I'll believe pretty much anything you want to tell me about that bout.

Smack Ya Sideways was ejected? Didn't see it.

Sat next to Effy Stone 'Em? Don't remember seeing her at all that weekend.

While I can't recall any specifics (surprise!), I do have a nagging suspicion that I was an obnoxious prick to pretty much everyone around me, and so it was that Dr. Snark N. Stein transformed into the not-quite evil (but definitely annoying) Dr. Drunk N. Stein.

And here the noble and kind Skeeve Holt! (Skeeve Holt!) and fellow (at the time) Fresh Meat skater Indigo Hurls intervened. They took my keys, took my car, took me back to my hotel, and sent me to bed before I could further embarrass myself or the Rose City Rollers. I've heard that the after-party was excellent!

In better news, congratulations to skaters Joyride (Betties), Mercy (Heathers—boo!), and Scald Eagle (GnR—huzzah!), who have been added to the Wheels of Justice roster as well as the AoA one. (Spots were freed up when Firecrotch moved from skating to coaching for the travel team and when Honey Hellfire stepped down from the travel team roster.)

One more thing: I may owe Intensive Scare a drink. I was going to share my bourbon with her at WWS on Saturday night, but she was upstairs, and stairs were an insurmountable obstacle for me. (Dr. Drunk N. Stein, it turns out, is very easily defeated.)

Also, a second more thing: If I got drunk and misplaced the cow bell, to whoever found it and kept it safe, I say "Thank you!" If on the other hand, the cow bell was confiscated, to whoever took it from me and has since hidden it, I tell you that I'm sure you made the right decision, and I support it.

\m/ \m/

/snark

Another Rumor

2011-02-10T19:13:00.001-08:00

I'll let Scald and Reina take it from here.

Photo by Lisa Burke.

www.flickr.com/photos/7436499@N02/sets/72157625823446561/with/5405219497/

Yup. That's the rumor I've heard too.

\m/ \m/

/snark

Itzo EZ: Fresh Meat

2011-02-08T19:50:00.000-08:00

You may have heard the rumors: Itzo EZ is back on Fresh Meat.

Unfortunately, this is only partially true.

Let me explain:

Itzo EZ is on Fresh Meat. But this is, in fact, her first time on Fresh Meat.

You see, EZ is not only a founding GnR, but she's a founding Rose City Rollers skater, so back when EZ joined up, a lot of things were different. There was no Fresh Meat. No drafts. No helmets. (There may not have been an actual "Rose City Rollers.") And while EZ has been reffing since she retired from GnR two seasons ago, she's decided to stop talking about what it might be like to come back as a skater and go ahead and do it, so she's signed on to Fresh Meat for the first time ever.

(All of the pics here are, I believe, from Season 2. Wrench and Rolla Reina

Axl Blows, always a bargain at $50. Wrench and Rolla Reina watch from the bench.

Photo by Skippy Steve. http://stevenlprice.smugmug.com/

Wrench and Rolla Reina are skating against the Sockit Wenches, and I think Blood Clottia is sitting with the Betties during the GnR v. Heathers bout. Skippy Steve has lots of early RCR pics—check out his SmugMug galleries!)

As I understand it, she plans to keep working as an official even after she gets drafted by a league team. (God, I hope that team is GnR!) I don't understand how being both a skater and a ref works, but I'll accept that she and the league have that worked out. I don't think we can ever have too many good refs, so despite my tendency to quibble and raise objections at every opportunity, however the league has worked that out, it works for me.

And if it works for her, let's see a bunch of skaters put on the stripes. What can it hurt? Skaters often appreciate officials who have been skaters themselves, and seeing the sport from the other side of the line will probably help skaters in their own bouts.

So just how soon is EZ draft eligible? :D

\m/ \m/

/snark

Wheels of Justice v. Detroit Derby Girls

2011-02-04T22:27:00.000-08:00

Detroit? Check.

/snark

GnR v. Betties: Scald Eagle Does Not Breathe Fire

2011-02-03T21:20:00.000-08:00

So. The Guns N Rollers lost to the Break Neck Betties last weekend in the first bout of the Rose City Rollers home season. Not much of a surprise there. But I'm going to focus on the positive here, which, I must admit, is contrary to my nature.

One of the night's high points came early, and it was the daughter of Awnry O'Hulligan stepping up at the last minute to sing the national anthem. While we've had some strong renditions of the national anthem (I'm thinking of Minstrel and Mr. Psycho recently), we've also had some pretty weak ones. Even accounting for Little O'Hulligan's moment of panic and lyrical forgetfulness, hers would have been among the strong renditions even if she'd been called on ahead of time—that she was asked just a few minutes beforehand puts it clearly in the win.

Next I have to applaud GnR's choice of uniform: the black rocker tees and denim skirts or shorts is my favorite GnR boutfit. It's easily varied and customized by each skater but stays uniform enough to be a uniform without being sporty (which, I think, clashes with the rocker aesthetic). I was glad to see it back.

And then there was Scald Eagle's debut.

I was going to leave it pretty much at that, but after George's ~~analysis~~ rant over at the Heartless Heathers blog, it seems that some response here is in order.

I am not a physician, so I cannot guess at what humorous imbalance so distresses George that he devolves into paroxysms of fear and revulsion, flop sweat, or fits of spontaneous barking whenever he encounters a woman wearing any combination of animal print, rocker tee, mouth guard, or black. But I hope he seeks professional help soon. (Please pass along your to him your recommendations of knowledgeable surgeons, apothecaries, leeches, barbers, or the like.)

Regardless of George's disease, his complaints seem to boil down to ~~two~~ three things: Scald Eagle fails to live up to her hype, rookies make lots of rookie mistakes, and GnR still exists.

Allow me to respond point by point.

One. What hype? I'd heard that Scald is a promising rookie with lots of raw talent who would be exciting to watch develop as a skater. And that's exactly what I saw Saturday night. She showed some explosive bursts of speed and sure-footed navigation through the pack as a jammer. Her experience is with ice hockey, so she's still getting a feel for how skates work with wheels on them instead of blades. She's got legs, and as the poet says, she knows how to use them, and I think it will be exciting to see her skills and especially her tactics improve.

George, on the other hand, appears to have heard that Scald Eagle is the second coming of Ronnie James Dio and expected her to arrive wielding Excalibur in one hand and an M1911 automatic pistol (with custom grips and inscribed "vindicta mihi") in the other, wrapped in Old Glory, riding an Ancient Red Dragon, leading an army of saber-toothed tigers and zombies, breathing fire, and singing the "Battle Hymn of the Republic."

When she failed to breathe fire or sing, George declared her a disappointment. (George, why do you hate America? And dragons?) And if that was the hype, then yes, Scald Eagle failed to live up to it.

Two. Rookies do tend to make rookie mistakes. This is not unusual or worth special comment. This is expected.

Three. GnR still exists. It's mostly a team of rookies. One of those rookies is Scald Eagle, and it looks like she'll be pretty good. I suggest that George talk to Rocket Mean about ridding RCR of GnR. Just click here and send.

Please, don't make me lay out the whole bit about jammers not winning bouts and how they're not the quarterbacks or even running backs, they're the ball, okay? GnR's failings against the Betties were about their difficulty playing offense and defense simultaneously against a much more experienced team and about their 14-skater roster tiring out after being knocked around by the Betties' 16 skaters.

Now, I do need to regret some errors in judgment I made in some of my track-side comments:

Soulfearic Acid is neither clumsy nor slow. I was mistaken about that.

Domesticated Violence is not fat. Instead of DeeVeeDeeVee, I must've been thinking of Heavy D (admit it, those names do sound quite a bit alike). You know, Heavy DHeavy D? Of Heavy D And The Boyz? Exactly.

On the other hand, Joyride does make me sad when she scores lots of points against GnR.

Also, I stand by my assertion that Shove Me Tender

Shove Me Tender needs more pants.

Photo by Lisa Burke. www.flickr.com/photos/7436499@N02/sets/72157625823446561/with/5405219497/

Shove Me Tender needs more pants. Shove says that there are no pants that can contain her "awesomeness," but let me direct your attention to this 1964 Frederick's Of Hollywood catalog in which at least several Shove-awesomeness-containing items may well be found. Perhaps something from this page? Or something here? Or maybe here?

Let me say one final thing about GnR here. I don't miss the winning very much at all really. Which may be because it was always pretty intermittent.

What I miss most is the gay.

GnR, please bring more gay. Thank you.

\m/ \m/

/snark

How Long Will The Beatings Continue?

2011-01-27T23:38:00.000-08:00

In the last post here, I tried to explain where all the GnRs from last season went and where all these new GnRs we've got this season came from. Now let's try to work out why in both opening bouts the GnRs looked like they were getting shaken down for their lunch money by the playground bully.

And here's a hint: while GnR had thirteen skaters retire during the off-season, the other three teams didn't see nearly as many of their skaters leave.

Let me really clear right now about those retirees: I can't fault any of them for choosing to retire. Rose City Rollers skaters are both very competitive and very skilled, but they still play this game entirely for fun. And they don't do it for free—they actually pay to do it. They pay dues to the league and put in required volunteer hours. They pay for their own equipment (just a decent pair of skates and wheels runs a couple hundred bucks). They pay for their required liability insurance. And they practice something around 15 hours a week on top of working a job (which doesn't always provide insurance coverage in the event of a not-uncommon injury), going to school, or being partners or parents. So when a skater makes the difficult decision to give up derby to make room for the other obligations in her life, the only decent responses are things like: "Thank you so much!" or "We'll miss watching you on the track!" So there's that.

GnR has a team of talented and dedicated skaters, but being short two skaters on their rosters makes everything harder right from the start. In their first scramble bout at the Coliseum, GnR rotated through three jammers (Punchkin, Havana Good Time, and Guts & Bolts) while the Heathers rotated five (Blast Unicorn, Sol Train, TeqKillya, Twat Rocket, and White Flight). The more you skate, the more you get tired. The more you get hit, the more you get even more tired, and jammers wear a big "Hit me!" sign on their heads. And the more you get tired, the easier you are to hit and knock down. And, well, you can probably see how this goes. :/

And despite having talented and dedicated skaters, GnR just doesn't have the experience that the other three league teams have. Putting aside the temptation to focus on jammers as derby's point-scorers, the game happens in the pack: moving your jammer through the pack while stopping the opposing jammer from doing the same thing is how a team scores points. Doing both of those at the same time takes a nimble awareness of not only where all the skaters are at any moment but also a prescient sense of where all the skaters will be as a result of everyone's current actions. Simply what's happening in the pack eludes me pretty much all the time, and I'm sitting track-side and can see the whole pack all at once. Knowing where all the skaters are, what they're doing, and where they're going to be in a few seconds is hard. Not hard like long division—hard like going to the moon. It takes practice and experience as an individual skater and together as a team. And it's that experience that left GnR with those thirteen retired skaters.

As a completely rough, approximate, wholly inaccurate, not particularly meaningful comparison that nevertheless points in the direction of perhaps revealing something about differences in experience, let's look at the balance of travel team skaters among the teams.

Out of the thirty skaters that currently make up the Wheels of Justice and Axles of Annihilation, GnR has three—Punchkin, Bella Massacre, and Havana Good Time—all of them on AoA, the "B" team. You shouldn't even have to do the arithmetic to see that the other teams are going to have roughly "more," but let's look at their rosters anyway.

First up, the Heartless Heathers, who GnR played first at the Coliseum scramble. By my count, the Heathers only have four travel team skaters: The Blast Unicorn, Firecrotch, Twat Rocket, and White Flight (three WoJ—FC, Twat, and Whitey—and one AoA—BU). But they also have these former travel team skaters chartered: Butcher Block, D-Day, Sol Train, and TeqKillya. That's eight current or former travel team skaters on the Heathers. And that's one more than the number of skaters GnR has who skated last season (seven). It's that sort of difference in experience we're looking at.

The High Rollers, who GnR skated against for their second scramble bout, have eight current travel team skaters: Devaskating Deva, Heidi Go Seek, Honey Hellfire, Layla Smackdown, and Minstrel Psycho (WoJ); Mia Feral, Napoleon Blownapart, and Texine (AoA). They also have two former travel team skaters—Hurricane Skatrina and Wreck Deckard—for ten skaters with travel team experience.

Finally, GnR skates against the Break Neck Betties on Saturday night at the hangar, and the Betties have four current —Joyride, Push La Tush, Shove Me Tender, and Soulfearic Acid (Acid is on WoJ, the others AoA)—and four former—Domesticated Violence, Leet Speaking Missile, MaRollin' Monroe, and Scrappy Go Lucky—for a total of eight skaters with travel team experience.

Like I said earlier, this isn't some statistically significant, multiple linear regression kind of analysis. Some of the skaters are brand new to the travel teams (like GnR's Havana Good Time); others have been injured or have come back from retirement (like TeqKillya), and it's problematic to compare them now to before. So I don't want to hear whiny crap about how it's unfair to say that skater Eksie Whysie gives her team a real advantage—I'm saying it right now: it's not fair. Or accurate. Or anything.

The point here is that the Heathers, the High Rollers, and the Betties each have more "travel team" skaters than GnR has skaters who skated last season. And that's a big damned hill to climb.

So why did so much of the GnR bouts look like this?

Because that's Havana Good Time in her second bout. And that's D-Day skating in her sixth season.

Can we look forward to a bunch more of this? Probably. And that sucks.

But here are some things that don't suck.

That really really really don't suck.

The GnRs skated hard through every one of the thirty minutes of their bout with the Heathers. While they might have indulged in some "Eye of the Tiger" fantasies about the plucky underdogs pulling through in the end, Sol Train, D-Day, and their teammates knocked them down, kicked them around a bit, set them on fire, and when they'd burned out, they took a shit on the ashes. Which is pretty bad.

So after that, the GnRs might have lost some of their enthusiasm when they skated against the High Rollers. (Really, who wants to get set on fire twice in the same night?) Instead, they put on Blood Clottia's and Mel Mangles's unitards (I think Havana already had her own unitard \m/ ) and played every one of the more than thirty minutes of that bout too. I know it was more than thirty minutes because in her excitement (skating a new season! and in the Memorial Coliseum!), Hurricane Skatrina forgot to call off the final jam when the period clock had expired. Everyone was having so much fun starting a new season—and skating in the Memorial Coliseum!—and she just kept skating and skating through the pack again and again. Skatrina is one of my (many) favorite skaters, and I can't imagine she'd gloat or rub it in a little, would shewould she? (And if she did, I'll forgive it for Layla Smackdown's toe-tapping, looks like she really has to go pee, "I love you, High Rollers" little dance.)

No, the GnRs never quit. And they never gave into frustration, or lost their heads, or started trying to hit whoever was closest whatever the cost. Those sorts of issues have stalked GnR teams of the past like a 12-year-old with a bad crush, a new cell phone, and unlimited texting. But I didn't see any of those things.

I saw well-executed hits, solid teamwork, and a never-say-die attitude. And so did lots of the other skaters, especially on the Heathers and High Rollers. Just ask them.

So I won't be surprised if the Betties outscore the GnR on Saturday.

But I will be surprised if the Betties outplay them.

\m/ \m/

/snark

WTF Happened to the GnRs, man?

2011-01-24T20:57:00.001-08:00

"Where were all the GnRs who should have been skating at the Coliseum?"

"Why did every GnR jam at the Coliseum look so much like this

GnR Havana Good Time picks herself up off the track, while Heathers blocker D-Day menaces.
Photo by Skippy Steve. http://stevenlprice.smugmug.com/

this?"

"Has GnR lost their mojo?"

These may be the kinds of questions you've been asking yourself no matter if the scramble at the Memorial Coliseum was your first Rose City Rollers experience or if you've been dreaming in animal prints for years and know what it is to "pull a poodle." And I'm gonna try to answer them.

Here, I'll just try to help you figure out where the GnRs went and who's replaced them for this season. It'll take another post at least to try to figure out the other answers.

The short answer: nearly every GnR skater retired.

Let's do the math....

Here's the GnR team that beat the Betties to finish third in the league last June. They have a full charter of twenty skaters (Mullet and Pain—in the colorful wigs—are coaches and don't count), but Mercyful Kate's fractured her tib/fib and won't skate in the championships.

Now, follow along.

During the off-season, eight of these skaters retire:

MKate's injured and moves back to Olympia. Evilia D. Stroiu moves to Hawaii, and Boxcar Bethy also moves to Ontario.

Hard Knox, Cher The Pain, Fist O'Fury, Knocker Bown, and Axl Blows also hang up their skates. Except for Knocker, these are all veterans who have skated at least two seasons with GnR, and Axl Blows skated five seasons with RCR. Axl is a founding GnR skater who skated for RCR's travel team from before they were called the Wheels Of Justice until midway through last season; she was also the last skater with derby name that plays on the Guns N Roses theme.

Those eight retirements leave a team that looks like this

Retirements leave (back) Juvie, Punchkin, Reina, Smack, Napalm, Micro, Sly, (front) Mullet (coach), Cadi, Mangles, Blood, Bella, Sugar, and Pain (coach).

this.

During this same period, GnR drafts four new skaters—Dirty Ann Rotten, Harajuke A Girl, Havana Good Time, and Awnry O'Hulligan—and their charter stands at sixteen skaters (20 - 8 + 4 = 16).

Then come the tryouts for travel team. Punchkin, Bella Massacre, and Havana Good Time are selected for Axles of Annihilation. Smack, Napalm, Cadillac, Mangles, and Blood all skated for Wheels Of Justice last season, and all of them are chosen for WoJ again this season. All five of them also retire from GnR to skate solely for WoJ this season.

Those additional retirements leave only seven skaters from Season 5 who are chartered for Season 6. Thirteen skaters retired from GnR

The Magnificent Seven GnR from Season 5 (back) Juvie, Punchkin, Reina, Micro, Sly, (front) Bella, and Sugar.

retired from GnR before the start of this season. With the five skaters retired to Wheels and including the four new skaters drafted, GnR has a charter of eleven skaters.

Before the season opener at the Coliseum, GnR drafts three more skaters—Slaughtra, Roller Eclipse, and Mora Manipulator—and brings their charter up to fourteen, which brings their charter up to a full bout roster of fourteen, but Harriet The Sly isn't skating because of injury, so GnR is allowed to skate Guts & Bolts in the scramble.[Note]Thanks to Roller Eclipse for pointing out that bout rosters are only fourteen skaters not fifteen as I'd mistakenly typed. /snark[Note]

Then it turns out that Mora Manipulator is moving out of state, which means she has now retired from GnR (yes, the scramble was both her debut and her farewell for RCR and GnR). Because Mora's departure leaves GnR with only thirteen skaters, the team asks for a "special draft" so they don't have to wait until the next regular draft to add a few more skaters to their charter. The league approved a special draft, which took place last Thursday and at which GnR picked up former GnR Guts & Bolts

Heidi Go Seek (210) and Texine (behind) look to lay out a big High Rollers welcome for returning GnR skater Guts & Bolts.
Photo by Skippy Steve. http://stevenlprice.smugmug.com/

Guts & Bolts, Scald Eagle (who had been drafted by the Break Neck Betties but who exercised the 30-day return-to-Fresh-Meat option), and Supa Sixpack.

So. If you've kept track at home, the sixteen current GnRs are:

11 Punchkin (co-captain)
69 Sugar & Vice (co-captain)
12oz Micro Bruiser
19 Harriet The Sly
28 Dirty Ann Rotten
37 Awrny O'Hulligan
38 Guts & Bolts
50 Scald Eagle
81 Havana Good Time
214 Bella Massacre
419b Juvie Hall
480 Harajuke A Girl
509 Rolla Reina
831 Slaughtra
1221 Roller Eclipse
Supa Sixpack

And those are the GnRs who will skate against the Break Neck Betties in the first regular bout of the season at the Oaks Park Hangar on Saturday night.

(Thanks to Roller Eclipse who pointed out that RCR has increased bout rosters for league teams from WFTDA's fourteen skaters to sixteen skaters, so Punchkin and Sugar don't have to decide who to keep off the roster. On the other hand, Harriet is still out injured, and Supa Sixpack has a cracked rib—already?—so only fourteen GnRs will skate on Saturday. Thanks again, Eclipse!)

See you there!

\m/ \m/

[Post edited on 1/26/2011 to correct roster size issues. /snark]

Mel Mangles: Coach

2011-01-03T07:52:00.000-08:00

Thanks to guest blogger Amanda HugNKill for this profile of Mel Mangles! /snark

“You know it’s bad when Mel texts you to bring a protein bar to practice.”

This comment brings a collective groan from the handful of GnRs strapping on their gear before Monday’s practice. “Yeah,” someone adds, “she says it’s gonna be a hard one.”

With Mel Mangles, there’s no other way but hard. She lives hard, she skates hard, and she coaches hard.

Mel is one of the many skaters who elected to go travel-team only this season. Now she skates exclusively for Wheels of Justice but chooses to stick around to coach GnR along with Smack Ya Sideways, another former-GNR-turned-travel-team-only. And if anything speaks to the intensity that Mel brings to GNR as a coach, it’s that warning to her team: “bring a protein bar.”

Case in point: it’s 30 minutes into practice, and I’ve heard the sound of skates on the track cease only once for a water break and to go over the next drill. Maybe 60 seconds later, break-time is over, and skaters are partnered up, pushing each other around the track. Mangles keeps up a constant stream of chatter, sometimes shouting out critique, sometimes screaming encouragement. All the while, she skates deftly around the middle of the track, whistle in hand, keeping her expert eyes peeled for teaching opportunities. When she finally allows her team to take another breather, she grabs a couple of skaters for a quick demonstration of her latest pearl of wisdom.

“How’s everybody doin’?” Before GnR starts their 20-minute pace line Mel gets a commitment from every skater. Some have injuries or illnesses that may keep them from staying in. The rest are in it for the whole 20 minutes. Once they’re off and running (er, skating), Mel comes over to chat with me. She explains the pace line drill and the importance of getting the commitment from her skaters. The record number of laps is 123, and they’re hoping to beat that tonight. When I ask if I can put that in my post she answers, “Hell yes you can! These ladies can be proud of that!”

As if the hangar wasn’t freezing cold already, the draft created by 13 skaters racing around the track chills me to the bone. “12 minutes!” Beki the timer calls out. A few hoots and hollers come from the line. The rest are too focused on breathing “in through the nose, out through the mouth” to respond. Mel explains how the commitment keeps the team accountable for themselves and their teammates: If someone is tired, they let their team know they need some help, which is quickly provided. “Let’s go, almost done!” By the end, skaters are pushing and pulling each other to keep in the line, yelling out if they need encouragement or a hand to grab onto. The whistle finally blows, 20 minutes is over. Several GnRs skate to the middle and promptly collapse; others skate a few laps to cool down. Eventually they all find their way to the middle of the track where they lay sprawled out and exhausted. Mangles lords over the recumbent skaters and tells them how awesome they are. They didn’t beat their record tonight, but she’s still proud of them.

After a few measly minutes of rest and positive reinforcement, Mangles grabs four skaters to demonstrate the next drill. She gives a quick visual explanation of a rotating wall (she explains it so well, even I can understand it), hands out jammer caps, and sends her team back onto the track. They start a partner drill with two blockers and a jammer, each starting from their respective lines. One whistle, off go the blockers—two whistles, the jammer. Four whistles ends the drill, and the skaters slowly make their way off the track. The next group lines up too slowly for Mel’s taste: “Four whistles means you get your ass off the track,” she barks, “That’s not just for this drill, that’s for the game. Clear? Clear?” Her team nods and steps up the pace. Not only do her skaters want to make Mel proud, they really don’t want to piss her off.

She preaches awareness of your blocking partner, knowing when to back up when your partner knocks the jammer out of bounds to force a cutting penalty. Staying together may force the jammer to cut two skaters instead of just one. “You can easily turn that minor into a major,” she explains, “Like turning a frown upside-down!” The wealth of knowledge that spews from Mel’s mouth is daunting to a mere mortal like myself. She (and Smack, who wasn’t there last night, or I’d be singing her praises as well) have so much to teach their team. And let me tell you, their skaters are hearing it. And they are doing it. And they are looking awesome!

It’s 10:00pm and GNR is still going hard. Mel is still coaching in full force, yelling out to her skaters as they show signs of fatigue. “She’s fucking bad-ass,” says Dirty Ann Rotten after practice, “I wanna be just like her when I grow up.”

“She is really tough,” Juvie Hall says, “but she finds positive ways to look at things, even if it’s criticism. She’s really good at shifting things from negative to positive to create a learning moment.”

I try to imagine skating a practice under Mel Mangles until 10:00pm then waking up at 6:00am to go to work. I cannot fathom it. But these ladies do it. And thanks to Mel, they do it hard. Because for her, there is no other way.

Rolling Stoners Debut

2010-12-07T14:29:00.000-08:00

This past Friday, Guns N Rollers Awnry O'Hulligan, Bella Massacre, Dirty Ann Rotten, Harajuke A Girl, Harriet The Sly, Havana Good Time, and Micro Bruiser hooked up with a fistful of High Rollers at the hangar to meet Cherry City's 8-Wheel Assassins on the track.

Their meeting came off a lot like a meeting between a Starbucks window and a protester at a G20 summitG20 summit, and it was a great example of how bouts are decided by the pack not by jammers. It's not uncommon to hear jammers described as the "quarterbacks" of derby, and while jammers often do, like football quarterbacks, determine how their team will try to score points, they're always also the ball. The jammer may initiate some plays and determine her own action, but just as much as she does that, she's also the object that the rest of her team moves around the track to score points by opening holes and lanes that allow her to pass opposing blockers.

Control of the pack was what allowed Cherry City to keep putting up points while denying points to the Stoners. The Stoners were a party-mix of new Rose City skaters who had a hard time communicating with each other and responding to each other's moves within the pack and who often found themselves reacting individually to Cherry City skaters. Cherry City, by contrast, were all more experienced skaters who knew much better what to expect of each other and who could better manipulate the Stoners into weaker positions and give their own jammers easy scoring passes.

Despite being smashed to bits under Cherry City's skates, there were a lot of individual bright spots on the track for GnR fans.

Micro Bruiser delivered macro bruises to several surprised Cherry City skaters. I kept thinking of that smarmy green oven-mitt thing in The Empire Strikes Back: "Judge me by my size do you? Hmm?"

Havana Good Time had some trouble staying upright in Turn 2 (she blames her new wheels—whatever), but she showed great speed and strong footwork. She

Havana Good Time lays a solid hit on Squid Vicious.

She and teammate Bella Massacre delivered solid hits with textbook form—Harajuke A Girl too.

Dirty Ann Rotten showed how skaters can easily rack up three consecutive minutes in the penalty box.

On her way to the box, she picked up a second minute (probably for clicking her mouth guard out before she was seated in the box).

Then before she could even re-enter play, she was sent back to the box for another minute (likely for failing to put her mouth guard back in or for leaving the box before the penalty timer actually released her). Oops. :/

Something should also be said, I think, about Awnry O'Hulligan.

I have no idea what Awnry could possibly be doing to Cherry City's Squeeze Box there, nor do I remember seeing it happen (because I averted my innocent eyes), but Squeeze Box seems to be as, um, surprised as I am.

I'm sure we'd all appreciate any light that could be shed on this. Thank you!

(Also, Awnry appears to have tried something similar with her fellow Rolling Stoner Tits N Assphault here

Why is everyone laughing? TNA looks like she's about to cry.

here.)

Finally, I would like to congratulate Smack Ya Sideways for making it through an entire bout without even a minor penalty.

Yes, I know she was coaching the 8-Wheel Assassins, but she's been sent out for lesser things before.

I kept expecting her to get a major for being on the track without proper safety equipment at least.

Or running clockwise to pull extra skaters out of the line up.

One more thing: If you aren't at the GnR Ugly Christmas Sweater Party this Saturday, PunchkinPunchkin will have words with you.

\m/ \m/

Ugly Christmas Sweater Party

2010-11-29T21:08:00.001-08:00

The Guns N Rollers are throwing an Ugly Christmas Sweater party!

It doesn't matter if you don't celebrate Christmas: if you've hung around with the GnR over a holiday or two, you probably already know that the GnRs' winter holiday of choice is EZmas, which also happens to fall on December 25.

Unfortunately, there are no ugly EZmas sweaters. And while there may be other Ugly Sweaters, Christmas provides a black hole to which Ugly Sweaters are drawn.

Christmas is an ultimate convergence of synthetic fibers into tasteless patterns.

It is a great woolly conjunction of 8-bit graphics Santas. A Sturm und Drang of tacky snowmen. A noxious, fumy cauldron of decorated fir trees. It is a knitted R'lyeh where sleeps a red-and-white-striped Cthulhu hemmed with tiny jingle bells.

It is a yarny apocalypse of dancing reindeer.

Click for sweaters.

And you are invited to celebrate the horror that is Ugly Christmas Sweaters on Saturday 11 December with dancing to bitchin' 80s pop at the Water Heater at 750 N. Fremont in Portland.

$7 cash gets you in the door. Or $5 and a can of food. (No beets.)

Ugly Christmas Sweaters are not required. But really, what's the effing point of celebrating the Ugly Christmas Sweater if you aren't going to wear one?

\m/ \m/

The Hiatus Is Still Over

2010-11-29T07:31:00.000-08:00

Weeeeeeee're back!

Yes, it's been a few ~~years~~ months since I last posted anything here but I am not (yet) dead.

It was a busy off-season: I'd only just recovered from chanting "We're Number Three!" over and over again after the Guns N Rollers' glorious 3rd-place victory back in June, when it was time to cheer on the Wheels of Justice at the Hometown Throwdown. And as soon as that hangover wore off, it was time to head to Sacramento for the WFTDA Western Region tournament.

(I'd like to thank the Sacred City Derby Girls for choosing a venue where no one cared what you brought in with you. Why bother with a tiny little flask when you can fill your bag with whole bottles of liquor? Which you could conveniently purchase at the CVS two blocks away.)

There was also my broken leg.

But now we've all enjoyed our little break, we've celebrated Thanksgiving ("Thank you for the very nice land we'll take from you now," or "Thank you for the blankets and the small pox," depending on your ancestry) with turkey (or a cruelty-free susbstitute), and it's time to get ready for a new season of Rose City Rollers hometown derby.

We've lost some GnRs along the way:

Boxcar Bethy moved to Ontario (for someone who insists she's not Canadian, she sure lives in Canada a lot)
Evilia D. Stroiu moved to Hawaii
Suki Hana became pregnant, then a mother
Mercyful Kate smashed up her tibia and fibula, moved back up to Olympia, and broke her tib again, and
Hard Knox and Fist O'Fury have chosen "real" life over derby

And we've picked up some new GnRs during the off-season:

Dirty Ann Rotten
Harajuke A Girl
Havana Good Time and
Awnry O'Hulligan

You can see all of them plus some other newer GnRs skate this Friday against Cherry City at the hangar at Oaks Park. (General admission tix are still available here.)

Finally, the GnR have chosen new captains to lead them through the 2011 season: Punchkin

Punchkin: New GnR Captain
(Only publicly available image.)

Punchkin and Sugar & Vice, who will tell me nothing about how they spent the off-season.

So get ready to shred some furious licks, wail on your axes, and throw some horns!

(You do have season tickets, right?)

\m/ \m/

I'm Confused

2010-06-17T00:57:00.000-07:00

This coming Saturday, Guns N Rollers 2010 World Domination Tour will come to an end.

There have been some who have suggested that the 2010 World Domination Tour ended back when GnR failed to beat the Break Neck Betties. I provide those gainsayers the inspiring words of Brother Bluto.

And for their last bout of the season, the GnR find themselves up against the Betties once more after losing to the Heartless Heathers, a loss of which I was unaware until I checked the RCR web page recently. I have been taking what I consider to be moderate amounts of narcotic painkillers, but despite being at the GnR v Heathers bout myself, my recollection departs slightly at a few points from what others remember. Or what the archived boutcast shows.

For example, I recall GnR mascot Sidelines Sarah being booed, heckled, and finally pelted with wads of gum and cans of beer while she was cheering on the GnR.

Now I can understand why fans of those teams with the misfortune of opposing the GnR might find themselves feeling frustrated and unmanned when confronted by her unbearable cuteness, but to throw (empty?) beer cans seems entirely classless for two reasons: 1) I thought the GnR had the monopoly on low-rent, trashy, butt-rock fans; and b) Sidelines Sarah is nine years old; and 3) what sort of Nickelback-listening, Ed Hardy-wearing, backhair-combing knuckle-dragger abuses a mascot while their team is winning? Which the boutcast confirms was true for the Heathers for most of the night.

As none of this was visible on the recorded video, I can only assume that I experienced some sort of waking dream in which my own desire to hurl day-old pastries at Heathers mascot ~~Tila Tequila~~ Teq Kill Ya[*]

It was brought to my attention that Teq Kill Ya has been the Heathers mascot not Tila Tequila, who is, and I quote, "a nasty skankopotamus."

Also, I have no desire to hurl day-old pastries at Teq Kill Ya.

—Snark

[*] was displaced onto imaginary Heathers fans.

What's more, I can't imagine someone like Kanna or George or Swags not finishing a beer.

I have a little more trouble disbelieving my second unique memory because while it seems absurd that Sidelines Sarah would get heckled or trash thrown at her, it seems comparatively reasonable that Super Grover would jam for the Heartless Heathers. And it seems downright plausible that he would score dozens of points in each of those several jams over the night.

I mean, really, no one's going to boo a nine-year-old mascot, but Super Grover seems like a natural for the Heathers: he's blue, he's furry, and he's already got a stylish helmet. And if the floppy arms and legs weren't enough to make it easy for him to slip between blockers and avoid hits, Super Grover can fly. Which I believe would be a significant advantage, so there's no doubt he'd score upwards of twenty or even thirty points in a jam. (Nevermind being able to take to the air to avoid cutting the track calls or to instantly remove himself from play and make any hit he did receive illegal!)

But Super Grover does identify as "he," so I don't think he would be eligible to play for the Heathers. And he is a muppet, which might also be problematic. But the clincher is that I didn't see him once while watching the archived boutcast.

No, I believe that I mistook Scratcher In The Eye for Super Grover. And in my defense—and if you compare the images—I'm sure you can see just how easy that would be to do.

Similarly, I cannot confirm that my memories of Big Bird skating for the GnR are accurate.

Yes, Bird roller skates like a pro, and any team in the WFTDA would be happy to have him, but I'm sure that I would've remembered and posted something here if GnR had drafted Big Bird. I may not be the most frequent or reliable blogger, but that would've made it in here had it happened.

With pictures.

Signed pictures.

I realize now that I shouldn't have been drinking and taking prescription narcotics at the same time (please, kids, one or the other, and always ask your parents for permission) because I also hazily recall the Mad Splatter playing in at least one jam.

But again, I can't think that would have gone unnoticed. I know the officials can't see everything, but one of the captains or coaches would have eventually spotted the red uniform and bright green helmet and, I think, asked for an official review.

After seeing such a difference between the boutcast and what I'd remembered, one thing that I thought for sure was a product of the pain, the lack of sleep, the narcotics, and the pint of Early Times I'd smuggled into the hangar was Mel Mangles' jaw-dropping turn as jammer.

With the GnR down by 174 and only a few minutes left, I was certain that the plan was for Mangles to simply pound on the Heathers jammer and any blockers that came within reach. Instead, she floated through the pack side-stepping and shrugging off hits like raindrops and looking like she wasn't really trying.

Comfortable and relaxed, she made pass after pass and scored 153 points, bringing the GnR within 21 points of the Heathers. (153 may be a record for points scored in a single jam, but this was just a league bout and not WFTDA sanctioned, so I'm not sure it counts.)

Going into the finals, no one should be surprised that teams of privilege will play for first place. The débutantes or prom queens or whatever it is that the Heathers are supposed to be are used to getting whatever they want. And the conspicuously wealthy High Rollers can no doubt buy their way to the finals. On the other hand, despite what their abundant talent might merit, the gays and their working-class teammates on the GnR will be fighting not to be last.

But 4th place is one spot above where the Wheels Of Justice are ranked, and if the rumors I've been hearing are true, the GnR kinda like it on the bottom.

\m/ \m/

[Edited 06-18-2010 to fix the Teq Kill Ya / Tila Tequila error.]

Some Things That Rock

2010-06-03T16:55:00.000-07:00

Rolla Reina!

If you aren't friends with Rolla Reina on Facebook, then you haven't seen these amazing pics she did with Warface Photography.

If you are Facebook friends with Reina and have already seen these pics, then you're just going to have to suffer through them again. I'm very sorry.

Reina "retired" last season, but when Joan Jett appeared to her in a dream and told her that rock & roll didn't give a damn about the risk of injury or the overcommitment, and also that she loved Rolla Reina—not in a gay way but still definitely in a hot way—then Reina knew that her retirement was over.

As I said on her Facebooks, this Reina goes to 11!

And the photos that gave Joan Jett no choice but to visit Reina in a dream were taken by Warface Photography, which is what Megahurtz—former skater for Wheels of Justice (and Breakneck Betties, but we forgive her—look at the pictures!)—calls herself when she's holding a camera.

(Anyone who has actual contact info for Warface Photography please get it to me, so I can shamelessly plug her here.)

Reina made her re-debut skating for Team Evil and helping them stomp the guts out of Team Good. (Did anyone really think that Good was going to win that bout? Really. Evil always wins.) And I hope she made the roster for tomorrow's semi-final bout against the eeeeevil Heartless Heathers. (Wait, does that mean GnR can't win against the Heathers because they're evil? And I'm on the side of GnR, so doesn't that make them the good team? But there's no way that rock & roll plays for the side of Good. So when GnR wins, does that mean that mean that Good and Evil have both won? Wow, this is a lot like those fucking magnets—how do they work? Such a conundrum. This whole good and evil thing is very confusing.)

Um, so yeah, good or evil, G-N-R G-N-R!

\m/ \m/

Blood "Slaps" Mick? EZ Answers.

2010-04-16T10:28:00.000-07:00

I'm sure I wasn't the only one at Saturday's bout who was a little shocked to hear that Blood Clottia had received a major penalty for "slapping" Heathers skater (and Wheels of Justice team mate) Mick U Cry in the face. And I certainly didn't remember Blood slapping Mick in the face and couldn't imagine Blood doing that.

What had apparently happened was that Mick knocked Blood down with a forearm, and as Blood fell, her arms flew up, and one of her hands landed in Mick's face. (Which is, admittedly, less exciting.)

Former GnR and current RCR referee Itzo EZ explained that under the WFTDA rules (section 6.3, I think), any contact between one skater's hand or forearm and another skater anywhere above her shoulders is a major penalty (for the skater with the hand or forearm, of course).

Also, a skater isn't absolved from penalties herself after she's been fouled: just like it's the skater's responsibility to "fall small" to avoid tripping or obstructing other skaters, it was Blood's responsibility to keep her hands away from Mick's head.

So because Blood's hand made contact with Mick's face, she picked up a major. And that makes much more sense than the idea of Blood smacking Mick for knocking her down, which is what it sounded like to me when the penalty was explained at the bout.

Thanks to GnR-for-life EZ for the explanation, though I'm still disappointed that I haven't seen her throwing some calls for GnR, and I'd like my twenty bucks back.

\m/ \m/

[Post edited 04-16-2010 because Itzo EZ is an excellent official and wanted to make sure that it was clear that she was only explaining the rules and not offering any judgment on a call that had made against a GnR skater. Which also makes it clear that I completely wasted my twenty bucks.]

World Domination Tour, Third Stop: Heartless Heathers

2010-04-14T20:36:00.000-07:00

Ok. So I've cried enough over the Guns N Rollers losing to the Heartless Heathers on Saturday.

From the comments I've overheard since the bout, I do think it's safe to say that the Heathers paid for their victory. In pain. Which I like.

The bout was tough and physical right from the start. Scratcher In The Eye complained a little after the bout that she doesn't usually get hit so much (but doesn't she wear that ~~target~~ star on her head a lot?), and on the facebook page she says that "Mangles gave me whip lash. [...] It was the hardest hit I've ever received!" And Mick U Cry adds, "I also had my ribs crunched for the first time ever." On the other hand, Mercyful Kate went to the hospital with a concussion.

(You are our fan on facebook, so you'd seen that, right? If not, get over there! And while you're there, you should probably make friends with the Heathers too.)

After a handful of low-scoring jams early in the first period, the Heathers began jamming captain Mobi-Wan Kenobi. Mobi's strong and fast and has a well deserved reputation as one of the best blockers in the league, but she doesn't often jam. Instead of moving up to engage the pack and begin her first pass, however, Mobi instead focused her formidable skills on the GnR jammer. It seemed pretty clear, in fact, that the Heathers were giving up all but the pretense of scoring and choosing to use their jammer entirely as a "fifth blocker" but staying outside the engagement zone where the GnR blockers couldn't assist their jammer.

(If I were a Heathers fan, I'd call that sort of thing "smart." But I'm not, so instead I curse them for it.)

The Heathers strategy was clear if risky: they could rest their star jammers like Scratcher while punishing the GnR jammers and tiring them out. I wasn't paying close enough attention at the time to have seen if that strategy extended beyond the jammers, so I don't remember if they also lined up blockers during that first period whose job was primarily to lay hits on the GnRs and who could then skate less during the second period while other, fresher skaters took to the track. If any of you were paying attention, let us know in the comments.

The risk in their strategy was that the Heathers fell well behind the GnR by the end of that first period. But the strategy paid off because from the start of the second period, the Heathers were able to tear away at the GnR lead, finally overtake them, and finish ten points in front for a 96 - 86 final score.

Despite what seemed like lots of penalties (for both teams, though GnR seemed to be skating short more often in the second half), the GnR blockers put up the excellent defense that we've come to expect. In another one of her bits of routine excellence, Blood Clottia earned 49 of the GnR's 86 points (per Andrew's Blood Clottia facebook page—hey, be a fan of her too!), which I think, shows just how effective the Mobi-wan beat-down was. Blood scored more than half of GnR's points over just 13 jams, and that left lots of work for the rest of the GnR jammers. While GnR's jammer selection has grown in number and skill—former Montreal skater Boxcar Bethy and Axles of Annihilation's Punchkin both skated solidly, and Cher The Pain, Fist O' Fury, and (former Axle) Hard Knox all showed that they own the star they wear and aren't just borrowing for a jam—the punishment that the Heathers laid on the GnR jammers in the first period was a lot to try to spread among them, especially with Cadillac absent (bad, bad rollergirl—only physical brokenness and hurt should keep her from derby, not love!).

To the GnR's credit, they stayed focused and fought hard through to the end. I can imagine a GnR team from a season or two ago collapsing in frustration and adopting a "hit the skater closest to you" approach, but this team made sure that the Heathers didn't take an easy win.

Satan, on the other hand, has proven to be completely unreliable.

\m/ \m/

Hard Knox = Awesome

2010-04-03T10:41:00.000-07:00

GnR skater Hard Knox deserves more credit than she often gets, I think.

This season, GnR has lots of strong blockers: Mel Mangles, Napalm Beth, and Mercyful Kate, for example. But while Knox doesn't call attention to herself with big hits ("hits"—that's "hits," with an "h") or spend a lot of time sitting on the other jammer. she was, at last record, one of the top three skaters in the league whose opponents score the fewest points while she's on the track. Apparently, just her presence on the track hinders her opponents.

And now she jams too. And not in the "we're ahead by a hundred points, so here's something silly" way either.

Now I'm not the biggest fan of sports statistics, so let me translate her contribution into terms I can better relate to. To make Hard Knox out of characters from Star Wars, you'd have to throw Princess Leia (for the feisty confidence), Han Solo (for rogueish charm), and Boba Fett (just plain badassery) into that garbage smasher thing on the Death Star and squish them all up together.

And then you'd have to add Scarlett Johansson because Star Wars simply doesn't have enough sexy to equal Knox. (And, no, Princess Leia in the metal bikini top and even a barely legal Natalie Portman don't cut it.)

For those of you who prefer not to read, consider the following illustration:

Or, I dunno, maybe I'm the only one who hasn't been giving her enough credit?

And please, if you're inclined to do a Google search for "princess leia," don't. Even with SafeSearch on. Because ewwwwwwww.

\m/ \m/

GnR v. BnB

2010-03-30T10:34:00.000-07:00

GnR's domination of the Betties began before the bout had even started on Saturday night: on very short notice, Cadillac's Mom showed her true rocker heart and stepped up to sing the national anthem. And she killed it.

(That we were still looking for someone only minutes before they would have sing does explain some previous national anthems—I guess some nights the question hasn't been "Can you sing the national anthem?" but "Do you know all of the words?")

The GnR hits also started early: for their intro, the GnR skated onto the track as glammed-up versions of the Breakneck Betties. No strangers to hair products or makeup (except when they're in Mongolia), the GnR traded their ratted hair and eyeliner for hot rollers and lipstick. What I thought was a hobby horse was, I have confirmed, a Chest-Nutz piñata that had been savagely beaten the night before. Cher The Pain was a dead ringer for Betties skater Domesticated Violence, though the rumor is that DV insists Cher was wearing far too much shirt to be her. And I think everyone in the hangar could clearly hear Marollin' Monroe say "Oh. My. God." as each GnR skated by, primping and preening.

Without a doubt, GnR dominated the pre-bout portion of the event.

When time was officially being kept, the GnR and Betties stayed close during the first period. Play then was often confusing (at least to me): lots of pile-ups, lots of skaters stumbling or falling for no clear reason, lots of skaters tripping over flailing skates, and lots of penalty situations where the call seemed to be "referee's choice." The first period ended with the Betties enjoying a narrow lead.

At halftime, in what I imagine was some attempt at retaliation for the GnR intro, the Betties had changed their derby names to silly things like "Napalm Meth," "Mel Cankles," "Lez Blows," "Cüntillac," "Hard Cox," and "Muffs So Furry." Really, I can't even imagine what some of those are supposed to mean. (Though I do have to admire the heavy metal aesthetic in the "Cüntillac" umlaut.)

Play appeared to clear up in the second period, but the Betties opened a wide lead early on. But they'd brought Rhea DeRange out of retirement (can we clarify that a skater knows what that word means before it's announced, really), and she burned up the track. Licker*n*Split had obviously eaten more nuts than usual and was shocking at full strength. And the recent experiments on SoulFearic ACID definitely paid off because after exposing her to cosmic rays, gamma radiation, various untested serums, radioactive spiders and other biting things, explosions in secret government labs, several museum collections of reportedly mystical artifacts, Los Alamos National Laboratory, Bikini Atoll, Area 51, the Hanford site, and a handful of random hazmat spills on I-84, she seems to have picked up a superpower or two.

Though GnR surged back in the bottom half of that period, they couldn't close the last 14 points, and the bout ended with the official score 107-93.

Despite the fourteen-point deficit, GnR skated rock-solidly. On offense, Blood Clottia and Cadillac both jammed well per their usual bit. Showing her increasing well-rounded-ness (no, she's not pregnant, sheeeeesh), Captain Cher The Pain put up points, and newcomer Boxcar Bethy showed that she's ready for full-price bouts not just the five-dollar scrimmages. Fist O' Fury rocked hard during her own power ~~ballad~~ jam. And Hard Knox kicked some ass wearing the jammer cap too.

Defensively, the GnR blockers—particularly as I recall, Mel Mangles, Mercyful Kate, Napalm Beth, Hard Knox, and Axl Blows—made up for the Betties run at the beginning of the second period by holding the Betties to just a few points while the GnR rallied. Axl—I've realized that you have to watch her carefully—was all over, closing open lanes and moving their skaters out of advantaged positions and into disadvantaged ones. I saw Punchkin get in several strong and strategic hits of her own. And, as Rhea herself said, Mel owned her during the second half: "I was always behind her ass," Rhea said, "I thought I'd got around her ass, but there was just more ass!"

So about this "loss." I've seen some claims from those in the Betties camp that this ends the GnR World Domination Tour. To them I think I need to point out that the World Domination Tour is not over until the world is dominated. And while Satan may be trying to renege on his contract, GnR has plenty of newly drafted skaters just in case another sacrifice or two may be required.

Furthermore, I think we need to look at the score this way: if each GnR gets just 1 point for their intro, that's fourteen points right there. And I'm sure that Cadi's Mom's national anthem was worth at least 5 points. Add those points in, and the final score is Betties 107, GnR 112!

Unfortunately, team introductions are not yet scored under current WFTDA rules, and as Speed Bump, I believe, pointed out, Cadi's Mom hadn't been added to the official roster.

So I have just three words for GnR: Un I Tard.

\m/ \m/

As usual, photos courtesy of Sharkey. Full set here.

[Post edited 3/31/2010]

Mongolia!

2010-03-26T13:06:00.000-07:00

Earlier, I had expressed some skepticism about the GnR having actually trained in Mongolia.

To my surprise, however, after careful investigation, painstaking searches, much bribery, and a tiny bit of deception, I have uncovered the following photo, which purports to be of Napalm Beth, Cher The Pain, and Punchkin enjoying a break during their training in Mongolia!

I'm still not sure I believe the bit about Napalm having cake.

GnR clobbers Betties tomorrow night at the sold out hangar!

If you don't have tickets, watch the stream live from the RCR site or at Kay's!

\m/ \m/

Why I Didn't Blog About The GnR/ECRG Scrimmage

2010-03-22T08:46:00.000-07:00

Ok. It was over a week ago that GnR hosted a scrimmage with Emerald City's travel team, the Skatesaphrenics. And I was going to blog about it, but I didn't want to hurt the Skatesaphrenics' feelings or seem like I was rubbing it in or something because they were very, very thoroughly demolisheddemolished. I mean, I hope that Emerald City had fun, but GnR smashed them all to bits, ran over them with a truck, tore them up into little tiny pieces, backed the truck up and ran over them again, and then stomped them into a fine powder. Final score (if I remember correctly): GnR 1752, EC 7.5.

But then I thought maybe if I included something about how, while the Fresh Meat swept all the ground up little broken bits out of the hangar, the GnR asked the ECRG very nicely if they would like to come to the after-party, that might make it okay to talk about their crushing defeat? (I definitely would have pointed out that the after-party was very well attened by the GnR. Except for Napalm Beth. Who was "tired." Or something.)

While that might be okay, what if I went on to talk about how Blood Clottia did her now cliché bit where she scores a fat pile of points? How would that go over?

Or if I also pointed out that rock-solid blocker Hard Knox also jammed several times and added some 419 points to GnR's total (again, just going by memory here)? Would that seem like rubbing it in? At what point would things cross the line?

I'm pretty sure that I could have included a line or two about how the Harmacist wasn't happy with Knox's performance because, despite Knox's 419 points, Harmie wanted more boobs—which puzzles me because, if what I've been told is true, the Harmacist already has boobs. (I'm pretty sure that ECRG would be fine with the boobs part, but wow, that would be using the word "boobs" a lot.)

So then I was thinking I could just blog about GnR's new skaters: Bella Massacre, Boxcar Bethy, Juvie Hall, and Knocker Brown. That's probably not going to make any of the Emerald City skaters cry or anything, right?

And GnR fans would definitely want some pictures, right?

Bella Massacre

Boxcar Bethy

Juvie Hall

Knocker Brown

I probably could have said something, for example, about how Blood once explained her "Diversity Strategy" to me, how she wanted to increase GnR's appeal to straight fans by recruiting hot straight skaters as well as hot gay skaters. But I've never really understood Blood's thinking here, so how could I write about that? I mean, I'm straight, and I find gay rollergirls just as hot as straight rollergirls. On the other hand, I'm already a fan, so maybe that's the issue? Or that I'm a stupid boy? Anyway. Maybe someone has an explanation?

On the other hand, how could I talk about the new GnRs without saying something about how Boxcar Bethy and Juvie Hall each scored a few hundred points (358 and 312 respectively)? That might be kind of mean, I think. Especially since, in their humiliation, the Skatesaphrenics even gave Boxcar a prize for all the points she scored.

So really, how much could I actually say without taking the risk that I'd hurt someone's feelings and, more importantly, prompt them to hurt me in turn?

I'm really sorry, but please understand that it just seemed safest not to say anything at all about that scrimmage, ok?

Some Things That ROCK!

2010-02-22T12:19:00.001-08:00

Iron Maidens.

The Runaways.

Blood Clottia in a unitard.

\m/

World Domination Tour, First Stop: High Rollers

2010-02-18T06:40:00.000-08:00

GnR opened their 2010 World Domination Tour by trumping the High Rollers, 127-122.

In the first period, GnR tore open the High Rollers, Blood Clottia and Cadillac trading off jams to pile up the points. More than a few times, they each would simply trade positions with the other: they'd finish a jam as jammer, immediately line up again behind the pivot line, then when that jam was over, take the star and line up again on the jammer line. For RCR announcer Speed Bump, they blurred into "a singular amazing skater who changes outfit jam-to-jam" who he's named "Clottillac." (If you're having trouble telling one from the other, here are a few simple hints: if she's got lots of lipstick and not a lot of pants, that's Cadi; if she's wearing a leopard-print unitard, it's Blood.)

Co-captain Cher The Pain also took on a good chunk of the jamming duties. It wasn't that long ago that she was proudly sporting a "Blockers Don't Wear Panties" tee, but she does clearly wear panties at least some of the time now. And Fist O' Fury, who was drafted by GnR late last season, also took a few turns at the jammer line, and I hope we'll see more of her there this season.

While Blood's and Cadi's jam-monstrous skills were strong Saturday night, GnR's blocking has become fierce. GnR—SmackYa Sideways, co-captain Mercyful Kate, Miss Mel Mangles, and Napalm Beth in particular—hit hard and hit often.

With the two-fisted combination of GnR jammers scoring many points and GnR blockers denying many points to the High Rollers, the score at the end of the half was something like GnR: this this, HR: this this.

In the second period, I expected the GnR to continue with their first-half strategy of hitting and scoring. Most Revered Coaches Col. Mullet and Lt. Pain instead switched their strategy to "let the High Rollers score a lot of points." I'm not an expert in derby tactics by any means, but this change in approach did surprise me. Still, GnR did come out with a win, so I can't fault the GnR for this decision.

Alongside the "let the High Rollers score a lot of points" move, the GnR also chose to rest one or two skaters each jam in the penalty box. Here too I must raise the horns to the superior—and victorious—wisdom of the GnR and their coaches.

I was pleased to see that the GnR continued the "hitting" portion of their first-half approach. In fact, the GnR were hitting so much that Cadillac apparently got bored with hitting just the High Rollers, and late in the second period she tried to knock down the hangar itself, throwing herself into one of its supporting "ribs." While this hit was less successful than earlier hits to Honey Hellfire or Sully Skullkicker, I have to admire her enthusiasm. I can't imagine the Betties supporting that sort of hard-rocking, devil-may-care attitude.

As the High Rollers closed the gap in the scores, the GnR finished the bout with especially smart play from the few skaters they chose to keep in the jam. Careful blocking—even with just a single skater on the track—forced the High Rollers to take more time to score and kept the GnR ahead until time ran out.

While the GnR earned a hard-won victory on the track, many of them forfeited the after-party. I'll give Cadillac a pass in deference to her heroic assault on the hangar. And if the rumors are true of Suki Hana being in a delicate condition (i.e., abundant, in the family way, anticipating a blessed event, parturient, expecting, with child, preggers, knocked up, etc.), then I can understand her not throwing back cocktails late into the night. (I should point out, however, that simply skating with the gayest team in the league is, in itself, not a reliable form of contraception. See also, Guts & Bolts.)

November Pain has a new arrival herself? Ok, maybe that's a reasonable excuse (even if it's a puppy). Blood Clottia, on the other hand, was sick sick sick and she managed to show up!

But Mullet? Absent. Hard Knox? Absent. Punchkin and Axl Blows? Absent and absent. Napalm Beth? Fist O' Fury? Evilia D. Stroiu? Absent. Absent. Absent.

We must not allow an after-party gap!

And it seems to me to be poor manners, in either a roller derby or a rock-and-roll way, to casually bang around some chicks and then not buy them a drink after.

\m/ \m/

"Dominatoration" Fail

2010-01-22T13:41:00.001-08:00

Ok, I accept that I'm not going to make "dominatoration" happen. Fine. I'm over it.

Still, I don't think that "domination" suits the 2010 GnR tour. It's just not big enough. And while I thought that maybe what it needed was a few more letters—in this case, "t-o-r-a," y'know, to make it bigger—I might have been mistaken about that.

But see, this 2010 tour is going to be something of biblical, apocalyptic magnitude. As the Holy Scriptures say: "And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and her name that sat on him was Beth, and Mel followed with her."

And now that I hear other teams talking about "total domination" or whatever—I love the High Rollers as much as the next guy, but let's face it, they don't ROCK—I think it's time to take this to another level. It's time to put the eyeliner on a little thicker, to spray on an extra coat of ozone-destroying Aqua Net, to tug our leather pants a little tighter into the crotch. It's time to throw our heads back, sling our air guitars down by our knees, drive into one of those chuggaduh chuggaduh chuggaduh chuggaduh rhythms, and scream ... just what exactly?

Who's got a name for the GnR 2010 tour? A name that's big enough, powerful enough, devastatingly rocking enough to fit the destruction that will be visited on the hotel rooms, livestock, and rollergirls who are too slow to get out of the way as GnR wails through the twenty-ten season all the way to eleven: twenty-eleven, that is!

\m/ \m/

GnR World Tour Begins

2010-01-21T02:55:00.000-08:00

I don't know that I can offer much insightful analysis on the two bouts that opened GnR's 2010 world tour, but I'll try.

GnR's obvious strength this season is blocking.

High Roller Hurricane Skatrina is one of the smartest blockers in the league, and her team mate Heidi Go Seek isn't far behind her, but I think GnR blockers Smack Ya Sideways, Napalm Beth, and Mercyful Kate stood right up to them in the night's first bout.

Plus there's the always solid Axl Blows, all healed up Hard Knox, and Maui transplant Suki Hana.

Smack Ya and Beth are two of the skaters who, I think, improved most over last season, and I'm excited to see what they'll bring this year.

As far as jammers go, that's where losses like Aurora Brutalis, Wrench, and Guts & Bolts have left GnR a little short (no, that's not a Punchkin joke).

It's why Cadillac was shamelessly poached from the Betties (no doubt with promises of many tawdry animal print underpants, hooker-red lipsticks, and doting boys muscular, dim-witted, and young—but legal!) and why skaters like Cher The Pain and Hard Knox, who had until now been almost exclusively blockers, were also wearing the jammer cap.

But while Cadi does look so much better in black (doesn't she?), I'm most excited by Fist O' Fury who didn't see much play after she was drafted during last season, but has clearly worked herself hard since then and showed up big during the opening bouts.

Add in Mel Mangles (another skater moved from Rainy City, which is starting to look like the GnR farm league) alongside veterans Punchkin and Blood Clottia, and Mullet, November Pain, and GnR will have lots of options at the jammer line this season.

Speaking of Blood Clottia, it's been reported that Way To Blood's Heart #3 is to try on clothes at Forever 21. Just a bit of advice here: remember to send her the pictures. Otherwise you'll just end up in a dressing room in some mall wearing this while some seventeen-year-old is asking you through the door if you need any help. And if you're like me at all, that's just uncomfortable.

Also, I love seeing Itzo EZ back on skates as a ref, but her lack of loyalty disappoints me. Sure I expect a ref like Sephra So to be ~~hot~~ fair, but I expect GnR-4-Life EZ to be more than ~~hot~~ fair—I expect her to be just.

And for the twenty bucks I slipped her before the bout, I expect that justice to be tightly focused on GnR's opponents. Is that too much to ask?

The Betties have announced themselves as the team to beat this season, but all four league teams look pretty well balanced against each other to me, and that should make for excellent derby this season.

Secret GnR Video Released

2010-01-18T12:09:00.001-08:00

As part of our ongoing efforts to dig up more salacious info and to maybe even verify some of the gossip we've heard about GnR, we snuck a camera into their secret strategy session they held last week at an undisclosed location.

Unfortunately, we did not find out if GnR has really made a pact with Satan or if Santa brought Napalm Beth any cake.

In fact, it looks like our camera may have been discovered. [Note](It was in Mullet's phone. I thought it was genius. Who would look in their telephone for a camera?)[Note] And here is the footage we were able to recover:

I'm a bit skeptical about all this. I for one do not believe that they have been to Mongolia. Not all of them anyway.

What do you think? Is there a GnR deal with the devil? Has Napalm Beth gotten the cake she wants? Have the GnRs trained in Mongolia?

Speculate away!

\m/ \m/

White Flight All Right

2010-01-17T22:57:00.000-08:00

Things I don't want to see on the derby track again: backboard.

Things I do want to see on the derby track again: White Flight.

You can leave comments and get updates on White Flight's status at the Rose City Rollers page here.

Some Things That ROCK!

2010-01-14T01:49:00.000-08:00

Are you ready?

Brutalitarian dominatoration begins Saturday 6pm @ Portland Expo Center.

Tickets here.

Brutal Beauty premieres this Saturday

2010-01-06T14:43:00.000-08:00

Saturday 9 January 7pm

@ Hollywood Theatre (4122 NE Sandy, Portland)

Git yer tickets while you can!

The documentary is an embedded look at the 2009 Rose City Rollers season, including the hard rockers of GnR!

"The goal of Brutal Beauty was to examine the culture and sensation that roller derby has become in Portland and to attempt to discover what is at the core of this movement.”- Chip Mabry, Producer/Creator/Director

Brutal Beauty - Tales of the Rose City Rollers (Trailer) from Benjamin Meader on Vimeo.

Well, capture THIS, Chip! The cast features over a dozen characters from derby including athletes, managers, fans and retired players. The fifteen-person Portland crew shot all aspects of Rose City derby from January to November, compiling nearly one hundred hours of raw HD footage of both the home RCR season and the WoJ travel season.

“This was a massive effort, much bigger than we anticipated. We set a lofty goal of independently producing a feature sports documentary that reaches the quality of HBO Sports, ESPN and network television sports,” said Mabry.

Mabry served as the Executive Producer / Producer of Rip City, a 2009 feature documentary that explored Portland skateboarding culture. Rip City is currently airing on Fuel TV and was nominated for best cinematography, editing, original music and director at the 2009 X-Dance Action Sports Film Fest in Salt Lake City, Utah. Brutal Beauty is Mabry’s second Portland-based documentary since moving to the city in 2007. A major goal of the production was to create Brutal Beauty one hundred percent within the local Portland creative community.

Xmas Wishes with GnR

2009-12-21T22:40:00.001-08:00

It's that holiday time of year again!

That means it's time for Smack Ya Sideways to put the Trans-Siberian Orchestra in the CD player and hit "Repeat."

Gwen'nich Mean Time and Grace Lightning will put on their favorite holiday sweaters.

Punchkin and Napalm Beth will hang a couple of fishnet stockings on the mantle.

And after a few too many egg nogs (which Fist O' Fury has spiked with a little too much bourbon), the whole team will tell old Santa Claus what he's going to bring them for Christmas if he knows what's good for him.

There were years past when the GnRs would put on the charm (and the Derbyskins) and tease poor Santa until he gave them what they wanted.

But let's face it, Santa's no Jon Bon Jovi.

He's not even Sebastian Bach.

Nope. He's older than David Coverdale, and he's let himself go worse than all of Van Halen put together.

And while the GnRs definitely prefer someone with a bit of experience, Santa's thing where he drops in on everyone over a single night is really pretty tacky.

And needy too.

Then nothing for a whole year?

I'm sure you can understand how quickly the GnRs decided that they'd had enough of that.

(Not to mention that quite a few of them were always more into Mrs. Claus anyway.)

Still, they do like presents.

Things didn't start off so bad. At first, it was just threats.

But last year, there was The Incident.

In their defense, the GnRs claim to have mistaken him for one of the Breakneck Betties. (If you've ever heard Marollin' Monroe laugh, you can see how that could happen.)

And really, who are you going to believe? Santa?

Or the Guns N Rollers?

\m/ Exactly. \m/

So this year, Santa's decided that he's had enough.

He is contractually obligated to hear their requests and distribute gifts, but he sees no reason to put himself in harm's (or The Harmacist's) way.

This year he's sent surrogates.

So pick your Santa Stand-In, and let's hear what you want this year!

Happy Holidays!

See you for Season Five in January!

\m/ \m/

GnR moving up!

2009-12-21T12:15:00.000-08:00

A shout out to the following skaters that are now representing GnR on the Rose City Rollers Wheels of Justice and Axles of Annihilation travel teams!

Wheels of Justice

Axl Blows (GnR)
Blood Clottia(GnR)
Cadillac (GnR)
Chest-nutZ *
Hurricane Skatrina
J.K. Rolling
Layla Smackdown
Licker ‘n’ Split
Mercyful Kate *(GnR)
Mick U Cry
Mel Mangles *(GnR)
Mobi-wan-kanobi
Napalm Beth *(GnR)
Rhea Derange
Scrappy Go Lucky *
Scratcher in the Eye
Smack Ya Sideways *(GnR)
Sully Skullkicker
White Flight
Wreck Deckard *

Axles of Annihilation

Punchkin *(GnR), the newest member of Axles!

(* denotes roster additions or those that moved up to WoJ from AoA)

GnR Unstoppable!

2009-12-10T06:24:00.001-08:00

Guns N Rollers hosted I-5 All-Stars on Friday night at the Oaks Park hangar and delivered to them a beating not seen since Keith Moon sat at a drum kit for the Who.

If this was a preview of GnRs strategy for the Rose City Rollers 2010 season (and I really hope it is), that strategy has two simple parts:

Hit the jammer.
A lot.

Additional tactics will include (but are not limited to): hitting the jammer again, hitting blockers, hitting hard, hitting more, and so forth.

Besides new(ish) GnR skaters Suki Hana, Mel Mangles, and Evilia D Stroiu, the line-up also included Cadillac, Goodie Two Skates, and Sarah the tireless 7-year-old cheerleader.

Cadillac took advantage of her brief release from the oppressive restrictions of the Betties limited two-color palette to rock a daring mix of several animal prints.

Goodie looked like she'd just come from a casting call for Rock of Love Skate and out GnR'ed the GnR with so much wonderful awful.

(Brett Michaels and any other middle-aged, extra-eyelinered rockers pretending to look for love can direct their inquiries care of this blog.)

Sarah relentlessly urged the GnR to further hitting. She marched along the sidelines all night, throwing horns and chanting "G-N-R! G-N-R!"

Some even speculated that she may well be the true source of all of GnR's powers. Whether or not that's true, with her on their side, the GnR are unstoppable!

Imagine, one look at her, and rollergirls will simply dissolve.

All of L33t Speaking Missile's r4wr will be fail.

She will knock the wind out of Hurricane Skatrina and have Layla Smackdown on her knees begging, "Darling, please."

Even the Heartless Heathers will fall before her: Sol Train will stop in her tracks, and Mick U Cry, Mobi-wan Kenobi, and the rest will be able to do nothing but sigh and coo like Cherry Lipsmacker with a basket full of fluffy kittens.

And then they will all suffer the merciless hitting (that's what Smack says).

So while GnR may have failed to score two hundred points, they proved beyond any doubt that an ad hoc mash-up of skaters from Emerald City, Cherry City, Rainy City, and various Washington counties all thrown together into one giant grab-bag of feisty rollergirls are no match for them!

As usual, thanks to Sharkey for the pix! You can see his whole set here.

\m/

In Memory of Bunny Lepowski

2009-11-11T16:48:00.000-08:00

There will be a memorial service Saturday 14 November 2009 at the Doug Fir from 2-4 p.m.

Please visit the Rose City Rollers site for more information, to view a slide show, and to sign the guest book.

The Rose City Rollers community suffered a tremendous loss this past weekend with the death of skater Bunny Lepowski (Becky Verhey). Most of the current GnRs at the very least skated against her in league play, and many of the current and former GnRs are among those who tried out for the league and then practiced with her as part of the large "Fresh Meat" group in 2006. Of course, new GnR Mercyful Kate was a High Roller through the end of the 2009 season, so she and Bunny skated together as teammates.

I do not presume to speak here for any of those skaters, and I can only offer my wholly inadequate sympathy to all those who feel the loss of Bunny much more acutely than I do.

While I knew Bunny well enough to joke with her while we were setting up the Expo Center before a bout or to offer to buy her a drink at the party after a bout, I knew Bunny primarily as a fan. And it is as a fan that I miss her.

No rollergirl that I know plays derby more for any reason other than that she simply loves the sport, and in Bunny that love showed most clearly. At times, she was intensely determined, breathing through tightly pursed lips, and others have pointed out the skill that focus brought to Bunny's game: she jammed, she blocked everywhere in the pack, and she did it all very well. (She did seem to me to have some difficulty finding enough shirt for her boutfits, but that's nitpicking and something that many, many rollergirls struggle with.)
But whether she was jamming or blocking, hitting or being hit, much more often she lit up the track with her bright grin, and I have no doubt that much of the fun I had at bouts actually belonged to Bunny. The fun she had skating was plainly too much for her to hold on to all herself, and all the extra joy just spilled over for the rest of us. What's more, because Bunny skated for the High Rollers, who'd only won a single bout over the first three seasons, it was obvious that her excitement wasn't diluted by such distractions as "winning"—it was pure, born solely from the play itself.

That grin of Bunny's—sometimes wicked, often mischievous, always huge—made her immediately recognizable whether she was all derbied up or not. While I was still having trouble recognizing other skaters without their helmets, mouth guards, and the extra height from their skates, Bunny was impossible to miss at an after-party. And I don't remember her ever letting me buy her a drink; she seemed to think that she should thank us fans for watching rather than let us fans thank her for skating and sharing her excitement with us.

I often hear skaters talk about derby as something distinct from their "real" life, and certainly some aspects of derby have the feel of another life. (Skaters spend a second lifetime in derby-related activities, and no one names themself "Bunny" for a "real" job, well, not "Bunny Lepowski," anyway.) But there are so many real and significant ways that derby impacts the world we all live in: the bottom-up, DIY sensibility; the queer space it creates where gay and straight are both equally bent; and all of the awesome that is junior roller derby. And no less real than any of those is both the joy that Bunny radiated when she skated and the fissure she leaves in her absence.

I was sad to see Bunny retire at the end of the season, and now her absence has become achingly final. I wish I could thank Bunny for sharing her surplus of happiness with me and all my fellow fans and her fellow skaters. Instead, I'll thank all of you who have made, who are making, and who will make roller derby a real, good thing in the world.

Thank you all.

— grant

Another Fundraiser on Rocktober 9th!

2009-10-01T11:39:00.001-07:00

If you went to the last GnR fundraiser at The Tube, you know it was a whole lot of awesome, and you know that you don't want to miss the GnR fundraiser coming up on the 9th at Plan B.

On the other hand, if you missed the last GnR fundraiser at The Tube, it was a whole lot of awesome, and you won't want to miss the GnR fundraiser coming up on the 9th at Plan B.

The fundraiser at Plan B is slightly more complicated than the one at The Tube, so you may want to pay close attention here. First, this fundraiser will be at Plan B not at The Tube. Some of you may have misunderstood last time and not gone to The Tube, and you don't want to screw up like that again. So on the 9th, you must go to Plan B.

Second, this fundraiser will cost you five bucks. No, you don't get in free because you're pretty or cool or whatever. No, it won't cost you more than five bucks if you're not pretty or cool or whatever. It's five bucks. For everyone.

Third, there are bands. You don't have to pay attention to the bands, they'll play whether you pay attention or not. But they will be there. And you will pay five dollars.

If you miss this fundraiser, then you will not experience all of the great rock-tastic wonderfulment that is a GnR fundraising event.

For example, you will miss great rock-tastic wonderfulment like The Tube fundraiser's Raised Lighter Moment™ when Rocket Mean upon arriving declared to all:

Attention, lesbians! Rejoice, for I am wearing a push-up bra!

See, you do wish you hadn't missed that.

And now I am off to western regionals in Denver.

I'll be tweeting as @SnarkOnTheRocks if you care to be updated as to how the Wheels of Justice will roll over all challengers and carry the rose banner of all that is good and awesome to justly deserved victory!

\m/

You buy drinks. GnR raises funds.

2009-09-17T13:12:00.001-07:00

I'm just a silly boy, but the GnR fundraiser coming up Monday at the Tube seems like genius to me.

Here's how it works:

You go to the Tube.
You buy drinks and such.
GnR raises funds.

The hitch here is that #3 only works at the Tube (18 NW 3rd Ave), and it only works on Monday 21 September 2009.

But you don't have to do anything to make (3) happen except complete (1) and (2). I kid you not. You just (1) go to the Tube (this step is very important) and (2) buy drinks. That's it.

Magical really.

I can't think of a better fundraising idea since my fraternity at FNU convinced the Greek Counsel to let us drink beer for charity.

I don't know if you understand, so let me lay it out for you: We were going to drink beer anyway, and then we got to do it for charity.

You are probably going to be buying drinks sometime in the near future anyway. (Or snacks. That works too.) If you do that at the Tube on Monday night, you'll be doing it for charity (GnR).

The only way this could be easier is if the GnRs brought the drinks and snacks to you on your porch in return for your donation.

(Hey ... could we do that next time? And really, now that I'm thinking about it, the easiest thing to do would be for you to just give money to GnR. And I'm sure they'd have no problem with that. Really. I don't think I even need to ask them.)

So once more, all you need to do is (1) go to the Tube (this really is essential) and (2) buy drinks.

You don't need to talk to the GnRs there (though you can). You don't need to stay very long (though you should). You don't even need to blush when they gush their thanks to you (though they will). None of that is required.

Now I understand some of you are saying, "But I have no plans to buy drinks. Ever."

That's fine. Because you can buy yummy things to eat at the Tube too.

And on top of that, the Genius Fundraising Plan™ doesn't require that you buy the drinks (or snacks) for yourself. No. You can buy drinks (or snacks) for anyone.

Seriously.

You don't want to buy drinks (or snacks) for yourself? No problem. You can buy drinks (or snacks) for the GnRs. They'll thank you even more!

And, coincidentally, it's Rocket Mean's birthday. She's 21! So you've got a perfect excuse to buy drinks (or snacks) for her. And since her 21st birthday only comes around once a year, you'll have to wait a whole year for such an opportunity again. That's a chance you really shouldn't miss: you get to buy Mean a drink (or snack, or several drinks, or snacks) for her birthday and for charity!

Oh, what do the GnRs need to raise money for? Rainbow socks mostly. That's what I've heard anyway.

So let's go over this one more time because it really is simple (and genius) and you'll be really embarassed if you screw this up:

You go to the Tube.
You buy drinks (or snacks).
GnR gets money.

Why would you not do this?

And what would you rollergirls like to drink (or eat)?

\m/

I Am an Idiot

2009-08-28T14:18:00.000-07:00

(And there's a GnR car wash on Sunday the 30th from 11-3 at Andy & Bax.)

So I don't know how many times I've seen the GnR car wash flyer, been Twittered about it, or received facebook invitations to it, but I am an idiot.

All along, I've been thinking that it was on Saturday the 29th rather than Sunday the 30th.

(In my own defense, I've spent far too much time trying to figure out what exactly the clip art rollergirl is doing to that Challenger. And is that a piece of gum stuck to her hip?)

Here I'd been getting excited, looking forward to an afternoon of dirty cars, soapy rollergirls, and fistfuls of cash donations. But now that I know that the car wash will actually be on Sunday 30 August (I've always been right about the location—Andy & Bax on the corner of SE Pine and Grand—and the time—from 11 a.m. to 3 p.m.), I have nothing to look forward to this weekend at all.

Because I won't be able to be there, you all better provide me with all the details and many most excellent stories of car wash shenanigans (true or otherwise).

(And there had better be a dirty, dirty ice cream truck to clean up. And pictures.)

"Dirty cars, and they're done washed clean!" \m/

Welcome To The Jungle

2009-08-20T12:29:00.000-07:00

Congrats to Mercyful Kate and Suki Hana who were drafted from Fresh Meat onto GnR on Tuesday night.

GnR couldn't resist picking up a skater with a rocking derby name like Mercyful Kate. Originally a Rainy City Roller Doll along with Napalm Beth, she's a regular with the Axles of Annihilation and a former High Roller who decided that sparkly green and purple didn't go well with her red hair. Making an unorthodox choice in the roller derby world, she decided to change her uniform rather than her hair. Don't you think she'll be stunning in black? (And pink? And leopard print? And tiger? And rainbows? And all?)

Suki Hana

Suki Hana is rumored to have played for a league far, far away, so we'll have to check into that and see what ~~cheap tricks~~ new tactics she's brought along with her.

I don't know Suki yet, and her pic was shamelessly fished out from the modern inter-webs (discuss: "google" vs. "creepy"), so if you do know her, tell us more in the comments.

Former GnR captain Viva Vendetta and Fresh Meat skater Penny Dreadful were picked up by the High Rollers at Tuesday's draft. The Breakneck Betties drafted Frisky Sour, and the Heartless Heathers added Hard Candy and Knotty to their roster.

Be sure to congratulate the former Fresh Meat and free agents who've found new homes. A good place to do that would be at Saturday's Wheels of Justice bout with the Muñecas Muertas of Duke City (for which very, very few tickets are remaining).

GnR Car Wash!

2009-08-14T11:04:00.000-07:00

Come show the rockers your love (and your dirty cars and bikes) at the Guns n Rollers car wash fundraiser. Spandex ain't cheap and we're going to need quite a lot of it for our new uniforms for next season! Sunday August 30th from 11-3 at the parking lot of the ever-so-generous GnR sponsor Andy & Bax (324 SE Grand Ave). (No wit. But see new post for my idiocy. [Edited by Grant, Friday 28 August 2009.])

WoJ Car Wash

2009-07-23T15:54:00.000-07:00

This Saturday, Wheels of Justice are washing cars to raise money to get them to the regional and national tournaments. This means that GnRs Axl, Blood, GMT, and Wrench need your support.

It's on Saturday 25 July from 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. at Voodoo Doughnut's second location on 1501 NE Davis in Portland.

Bring a donation for WoJ and your dirty car, bike, or whatever—they say they'll wash anything that's dirty!

[Edit: GMT's just suggested that "anything" may well include people. I suppose you'll just have to show that you're dirty?]

And that claim really is just too good to ignore, dontcha think?

I mean, there should be a catchy slogan to promote that sort of thing. Something like: "WoJ: We'll wash anything that's dirty, really!" or maybe "WoJ: Soaping up the dirty parts!"

But I'm sure you all can come up with something much, much better.

Comment away! \m/

Mullet Elected Co-Captain

2009-07-20T12:37:00.000-07:00

GnR has recently elected Mullet to join Blood Clottia as co-captain for next season.

Mullet new GnR co-captain.

Mullet seems to me to be an excellent choice here, and along with the changes that the end-of-season retirements will necessarily bring, I'm excited to see the GnR captaincy now supercharged with the Awesome Power of the Mullet™.

The impression I get from GnR skaters is that their captains act as sort of a combination of platoon commander and Girl Scout den mother. Okay, I don't really know what either of those things are, but the way I understand it, the GnR captains plan the practices, write the line-ups for bouts, and submit the official 15-skater roster before each bout.

They go to team meetings, league meetings, captains meetings to talk about "secret stuff" (Cherry Lipsmacker's description—I know so little that things that are secret from rollergirls aren't even unknown unknowns for me), more meetings, extra meetings, and meta-meetings to decide what meetings they'll have next (now that I think about it, there may not actually be as many meetings as they suggested there were—I'll try to meet with them and get back to you about that).

They make sure that their skaters are covering all their required volunteer hours (like setting up and tearing down after bouts) and selling all their bout tickets. They explain to the other teams that when the Harmacist calls them names, it means she likes them (a lot like with twelve-year-old boys). And they let those skaters who they couldn't fit onto the roster for a bout know that they won't be skating for that bout but that they have to be there just the same.

Blood Clottia continues as co-captain.

On top of that, the GnR captains take primary responsibility for the overall team strategy, which seems less about X's and O's on chalkboards and more about keeping the team and the individual skaters focused on and excited about the goals they've all agreed on.

And then they're the first in line to drag a skater out of whatever wallow she's headed for after a rough bout: When one of the GnRs is sneaking out of the hangar and thinking she's off to pitch her new Riedell 595s into the next dumpster and head home alone with a case of PBR tallboys, a box of wine, and a fifth of Jägermeister to scrounge through her phone's call history and see if she might still have the number of that "roommate" she kicked out two years ago—the one who the other GnRs know only as "Lying, Cheating, Satan-Spawn (with Multiple Open Sores)"—it's the GnR captains who are first to intervene with kind words and sincere renditions of 1980s power ballads.

(You really haven't lived until you've you've seen Blood break out Toto's "Africa" or Mullet's heartfelt-but-not-overblown "Every Rose Has Its Thorn.")

Viva Vendetta a free agent.

Mullet replaces Viva Vendetta, who has announced her free agency. After four seasons skating for GnR, Viva figures that she's probably only got one or two seasons left in her (see previous post about how long skaters can keep this up), and she wants to see what things are like skating for a different team.

I haven't heard any of the GnRs say anything that's not totally supportive of her decision, and no, none of that "support" has sounded like "Yes, I love it that Viva's gonna go skate somewhere else--it'll be great not to have her dragging us down anymore!"

And it's not like Blood Clottia wasn't a Betty in some alternate universe. Not that she wasn't sexy in red, but I do think that Blood looks much better in black (or a leopard-print unitard, depending on the occasion).

So whatcha think about Mullet-powered GnR in 2010?

\m/

Retiring Skaters

2009-07-10T10:51:00.000-07:00

I apologize: I am a bad blogger. You've wanted to hear gossip, and I haven't told you anything.

I blame OCD Boy (that is, me—and no, that's not my derby name), who wants to know everything exactly and get everything just right before I post it. But if I knew the whole deal, it really wouldn't be gossip, would it?

So here are a few things:

First, the GnR head out of town to go camping this weekend. I imagine this to be something like a cross between Deadwood, South Dakota in the HBO series, the nocturnal activities of Abigail Williams and friends, and Col. Kurtz's compound in Apocalypse Now.

They've kept the location a secret, though we can assume that's it not so remote that they can't easily haul in cases and cases of PBR, boxes of cheap wine, jugs of tequila, and whatever else they need for a few days in the woods. I just hope that one of them has thought to mail their location to a loved one, so in case they haven't all turned up back at work by sometime in the middle of next week, we can send Martin Sheen up the river after them.

Second, with the end of the 2009 season, several long-time GnRs have announced their retirements: Grace Lightning, Itzo EZ, Paradise Kitty, RollaReina, and Aurora Brutalis.

It's always hard to see the rollergirls we love return to the non-derby (i.e. "real") world, but they give so much of themselves to their sport that we do realize that they can only keep it up for so long.

Besides practicing at least three days each week, they volunteer for the charities that RCR supports, promote the sport, sell tickets for bouts, and do pretty much all of the work setting up and clearing out the hangar and the Expo Center before and after they skate their bouts. And they pay dues for the privilege of doing it all.

I know we'd love to see them all keep skating forever, but we've also got to understand and support them when they decide that they need to give their attention back to the non-derby slice of their lives: their families, their (paying) careers, their physical therapy, you know, all those things that the rest of us give *all* of our attention to all the time. For a few years, rollergirls give themselves to derby and to us derby fans, and we can't be too grudging about giving them back to their families, their children, their husbands, their wives, their boyfriends, girlfriends, parents, and friends. And it only seems fair that they get their rollergirl back with her body more-or-less intact and functioning almost as well as when they willingly gave her up.

Grace, Kitty, and EZ are all founding GnRs and Rose City Rollers, so they've put in more than four seasons. Grace has struggled with injuries for a while now; she's had surgery on her shoulder at least once already, and it may still need further surgery later on.

After injuring her ACL, EZ was officially removed from the roster earlier in the season, so GnR could draft Guts & Bolts and Sugar & Vice. She's still in physical therapy and has decided that she won't be skating next season either.

While Paradise Kitty still has two fully functioning knees, she's going back to school this fall and doesn't have time for both classes and derby.

RollaReina started the second season with GnR (and was co-captain with Wrench for the third), and Aurora Brutalis was drafted at the end of that same season. While both are still healthy (and still want to kick ass), their lives have gotten extra full over the last few years. To make room for the house she now owns with her partner and for nursing school, which starts this fall, Reina's decided that she simply doesn't have the time to commit to school and derby.

Brutes has already had to pay extra dues because she doesn't have time for derby commitments beyond "just" practices and bouts. Starting her clinic rotations now, she's felt that she's had to choose her patients over derby, which is no good for derby but probably very good for her patients.

I've spent hours already looking back at the pictures from the first two seasons and couldn't choose pics of the retiring skaters to include, so I'll see if they've got any favorites when they come out of the woods. Until then, you should look back through those older photo sets yourselves. Steve Price has an almost complete run here, and there are links at the Rose City Rollers site.

Now I'm all sad, and I'll have to decide whether I need to listen to Bonnie Tyler or Novemeber Rain.

Oh well, I can always listen to both. A few times.

2009 Championships Bout Frustrates GnR

2009-07-02T20:16:00.000-07:00

Well.

The Guns N Rollers's bout for third place with the Heartless Heathers left GnR in fourth place at the end of the 2009 season.

While I've tried several times to write up a tongue-in-cheek account of the bout, each time I've ended up just feeling as frustrated as I did during the bout. So if you're a GnR fan and you want to re-live the bout and get yourself all worked up again, you're on you're own.

If you're a GnR fan, and you missed the championships, here's what you missed: Some of the best derby I've seen.

In the actual championship bout, the Breakneck Betties and the High Rollers skated fast and hard. And though the Betties won 124-109, that win was never certain, and they finished with the High Rollers grabbing at the back of their pretty red blouses.

White Flight = Awesome.

The event of the night was HR's White Flight. No, she wasn't the "skater" of the night, she really was the event.

Midway through the second period, Flight took a shot to the head that left her laying on the ground, and it was only after a tense several minutes that she was helped to her feet and left the track carrying her skates and hanging around the paramedics' shoulders. But just a few jams later, she was lined up with Rhea DeRange again on the jammer line. And she went on tearing things up.

And White Flight is now on the current Wheels of Justice roster. Because she rocks.

So let's all see more of that (well, minus the anxious minutes with a skater on the floor).

Agreed?

\m/ \m/

Cham-peen-ships!

2009-06-26T10:17:00.000-07:00

The 2009 Season Championship Bout are this Saturday at the Expo Center. Doors open at 5 p.m. Skating at 6 p.m.

While GnR maybe aren't exactly skating in the "championship" bout, they are certainly skating in the Championships. And this bout against the Heathers won't be any different from their other bouts because the kick-ass bruisers of GnR skate every bout like it's the championship bout.

GnR have been very busy since their last bout against the Betties. (Yes. I just brought that up again. I'm sorry. We'll wait while you listen to "November Rain" again. See you in 9 minutes 12 seconds....) There's been the Portland Pride Parade, scrimmages in Rainy City, happy hour and cheap tickets, but I managed to get them all together (except for Hard Knox, who seems to spend most days in her pajamas, drinking and watching some Whitesnake video over and over) to talk about the last bout of the season.

Me: So, GnR seems to have been having trouble the last few bouts....

Viva Vendetta: Yeah, we've been livin' at a pace that kills, but you know how it is, right, you got to roll with the punches and get to what's real. I mean, we've been letting the other teams drive us wild—

Smack Ya Sideways: —but now we'll drive them crazy. She throws horns: \m/

Aurora Brutalis: Exactly. It's like we've been saying, "Show us everything you've got" and then just letting the other teams pull our strings—

Axl Blows: —We've let them twist our minds and smash our dreams out there.—

Aurora Brutalis: —but now what we're saying is "Hey, taste me, you will see how we're dedicated to killing you."

Me: So you're really ramping up the attitude out there?

Napalm Beth: Absolutely. This is the last bout this season, and now the time is here for GnR to spread fear.

Paradise Kitty: The other teams, I think they may think we've lost our minds, may wonder if we can see or are we blind, are we alive or dead, and why should they even care at this point, but we've been planning our vengeance—

Grace Lightning: That's right, Kitty! And I can't wait to fill the Heathers full of dread and see them running as fast as they can from us.

Fist O'Fury: Right, because if they think we'll sit around as the world goes by, they're thinking like a fool because at this point it's a case of do or die. And if you think we'll let it go, you're mad.

Gwen'nich Mean Time: Yeah, I may not be able to skate this weekend, but I just want to tell the Heathers, you've got another thing coming!

RollaReina: And I just want to say that I am a rocker. And the Heathers may have laughed at us or tried to make us feel inferior, but why? Because we rat our hair? Because we like animal prints? Because we wear bandannas? Well, we're rockers. And we're proud of it.

Aurora Brutalis: Hell yeah, Reina! We are rockers, and we want all of our GnR alumni—

November Pain: —like Rocket Mean and JahNasty and Vixen Mary and the Harmacist—

Punchkin: —and everyone who's ever worn Lycra pants—

Napalm Beth: —or acid wash denim—

Cher The Pain: —or held up a lit Zippo during "Open Arms"—

Aurora Brutalis: —whether you think you're a rocker or not, we want you to come out Saturday night and join us—

RollaReina:—Just join us. Because no one's really gonna be free until rocker persecution ends.

All the GnRs get really quiet then, and I'm sure I can hear "We Are The Champions" playing in the background. And then I feel my throat get a little scratchy and my eyes start to water a little bit. It's my allergies, you understand. And while we're ordering another round, I notice that a lot of the GnRs are also having the same symptoms: they're sniffling or rubbing their eyes or something. And it has been bad the last few weeks for people with allergies, so I'm sure that's what it is.

As we're getting our next drinks, and we all seem to be feeling better, I start asking questions again.

Me: You have several skaters that have struggled with injuries this season. Can anyone say something about that?

Itzo EZ: Well, not being able to skate is really taking it's toll. It's like people think I'm insane because I am frowning all the time. And all day long I think of things, but nothing seems to satisfy, you know?

Mullet: Oh, I know, EZ. For me, it's like I need someone to show me the things in life that I can't find right now. Right now, I can't see the things that make true happiness....

Sugar & Vice: Oh, Grant, now look what you've done to this rock and roll clown. Oh, look what you've done.

Me: Um, I'm really sorry. I really didn't mean to make Mullet cry like that. I mean, I hate to look into those eyes and see an ounce of pain... Anyway, without giving away any secret strategies or anything, can you tell me anything specific that you're lining up for the bout this weekend?

Blood Clottia: Well, I don't know how specific we can be about that. I mean, we've found the simple life ain't so simple, and we'll play our part and they'll play their game, but Mullet, she says we've got to hold on to what we've got—

Guts & Bolts: —and it doesn't make a difference if we make it or not...

Punchkin: That's true, we've got each other, and that's a lot...

Cher The Pain: For sure, we'll give it a shot—

Wrench: Oh, c'mon, Cher. We're halfway there—

Blood Clottia: Hey! We're not just "giving it a shot" and we're way more than "halfway there"! I thought we'd made up our minds, we ain't wasting no more time!

November Pain: That's right! C'mon, rise up!

Blood Clottia: Gather round!

Mullet: Yeah, let's rock this place to the ground!

Smack Ya Sideways: We're gonna burn it up! Let's go for broke!

Grace Lightning: We can watch the night go up in smoke!

Viva Vendetta: Rock on!

Fist O'Fury: Rock on!

Paradise Kitty: Drive me crazier!

Gwen'nich Mean Time: We'll get wild, wild, wild!

Cherry Lipsmacker: Yeah, together we can make it to the end of the line. Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time. (She starts to sing:) I don't know what to do, and I'm always in the dark; we're living in a powder keg and giving off sparks!

November Pain puts her arms around Cherry's shoulders and helps her down off the table: Um, Cherry, that's not a butt rock song. Remember how we talked about that?

Wrench: Yeah, Cherry. How about some Ratt or something?

Itzo EZ: Poison?

Axl Blows: Warrant maybe?

At that point, I decided to sneak out before any of them realized that I listen to a lot of The Cure and Depeche Mode. And that I have that Bonnie Tyler record on vinyl. I didn't want to find out how that might turn out for me.

\m/ \m/

Upcoming Events

2009-06-19T09:16:00.000-07:00

Lots of events in the next week:

Saturday 20 June. Day. Wheels of Justice and Axles of Annihilation scrimmage Rat City Rollergirls and Rainy City Roller Dolls. Hosted by Rainy City (Napalm Beth

Napalm Beth

Napalm Beth's old cohorts) in Centralia. There must be details somewhere....

Saturday 20 June. Night. High Rollers promise "a night of dancing, roller skates and a little ass" at Motocorsa.

Wednesday 24 June 6-7:30 p.m. Happy Hour with GnR at the Side Door Tavern. 425 SE Washington St Portland, OR 97214.

Wednesday 24 June 7:30-9 p.m. Cheap Ticket Night with GnR at the Night Light Lounge. Get four tickets to the championship bout for the price of three!

Saturday 27 June. Doors open at 5 p.m. for 2009 Championship Bout at Portland Expo Center. Get tickets if you haven't already!

Semi-Final Bout vs. Betties

2009-06-19T08:30:00.000-07:00

I wasn't able to be at last Saturday's bout against the Betties. The plan was to have someone else write up a bout recap, but when I asked any of the GnRs about the bout, they just slumped their shoulders, shook their head slowly, and sighed. The few skaters I could get to make any comment at all just muttered something barely audible.

When I could make out anything they were saying, it sounded something like "all my fault" or "let everyone down" or "don't deserve to ever skate again." Then Mullet

Mullet

Mullet had to call them and talk them out of quitting derby forever and spending the rest of the weekend drinking a cocktail of Early Times and Pepto-Bismol out of their stinky, sweaty skates.

If you weren't at the bout and really must know some details about it, you can check out what the Coroner had to say here.

Otherwise just congratulate Aurora Brutalis

Aurora Brutalis

Aurora Brutalis on the bout of her career, tell Blood Clottia how sexy she looks in a leopard-print unitard, and be ready with a gift basket of PBR, Jägermeister, and an assortment of fortified wines (all neatly wrapped up in a bandana).

You might also want to have their mother, Mullet, or Rocket Mean on speed dial.

And I'd count on sticking around to listen to "November Rain" a few dozen times through too.

Skippy Steve's pics from the bout are here. I've heard Angel Priest has pics up too, but I didn't see them at his SmugMug page. If anyone has a link, please post it in the comments.

GnR Stands Against Red Menace!

2009-06-11T19:59:00.001-07:00

We all saw three weekends ago how the Guns N Rollers can skate just as hard as the Breakneck Betties but not score the points they need to win, that Rock ≠ Points. So what do the GnRs need to do to defeat the Red Menace?

Of course, there are the obvious, halftime-analysis kinds of things: GnR needs to keep their jammer out the penalty box, they need to get lead jammer status, they need to score more points and hold the Betties to less points. And there are the injuries: Itzo EZ leaves a huge gap in their jammer line-up, Mullet

Mullet

Mullet is also out for the season, and while Wrench has been blocking, she's hasn't been up to jamming more than rarely. So much for the obvious and the uncontrollable.

In my 100% amateur analysis, one thing seems to hold GnR back more than anything: if their set play doesn't get their jammer through the pack, they often leave her to get through on her own, and often she ends up at the back of the pack getting knocked around like a ball in a pachinko machine. While this sort of approach does have its proponents (Gorden Ramsey, I hear, is a big fan), it doesn't seem to be getting GnR where they want to be.

Yes, I understand that my "one thing" is a whole bag of things tied up together. It's controlling pack speed. It's being aware of what your jammer and the other blockers are up to. It's not running out of the pack to chase down the other jammer because she's gotten through. But just like the High Rollers, who have been able to bring things together and dominated the Heathers last weekend, GnR has the talent they need to handle the Betties. Sure, they've got demons like Cadillac and Rhea DeRange that they have to contain, and they'd be in better shape if they had Hard Knox and GMT on the track this Saturday.

But GnR has Blood Clottia, who hasn't failed to deliver that I can remember this season. GnR has Aurora Brutalis

Aurora Brutalis

Aurora Brutalis, who's been on fire recently. GnR has Axl Blows, who I think counts for twice her size, and Smack Ya, who is twice as fast as her size might suggest. And even though Wrench probably won't jam, and even if November Pain has trouble getting into her groove while she's wearing the star, both of them are smart, experienced skaters who should take control of the pack. And I haven't even mentioned Punchkin, RollaReina, Napalm Beth, Grace Lightning, or Viva Vendetta.

What do you all think GnR needs to do to save rock-and-roll, freedom, and America from that horde of tyrannical, oppressive, godless, communist, Breakneck Bolsheviks?

My Derby Crush

2009-06-03T19:22:00.000-07:00

I've mentioned before that my current derby crush is Guts & Bolts. It's not that I don't find other skaters attractive; I do.

For example:

I get giddy whenever Axl Blows slams all five-feet-two and one-hundred-twelve pounds of herself (with skates on) into some huge chick to clear the lane for her jammer.

I feel butterflies when six-foot-nine and ninety-eight-pound (without skates) Aurora Brutalis muscles her way through the pack.

Smack Ya looks like she's lighter than air whenever she sidewinds through the curve after she's cleared the pack, and Blood Clottia looks dead sexy every time she puts her toe stop on the jammer line.

And Wrench charms me every time she puts on an extra burst of speed to blindside some chick who made the poor decision to brush the (imaginary) dust from her shoulder while she was still within reach of the pack and—more to the point—Wrench.

And I could go on and on: fishnets, elbow pads, mouth guards. (I find myself checking out every chick on a bike who's wearing a flat-black skate helmet, expecting her to be a rollergirl.)

But back to Guts & Bolts. Yes, she gets knocked down pretty easily and, well, a lot (right now). No, she doesn't seem to just bounce right off the floor and back onto her skates (yet). And I don't know if Guts has put a single point on the board (so far).

Nope. I've got a huge derby crush on Guts & Bolts because whenever she skates up to that jammer line, she knows she's gonna get hit. Hard. She knows she's gonna get knocked down. Hard. She knows she's gonna jump right back up to get hit and knocked down a few more times. And you can see just how excited she gets doing it. And that's what I love to watch.

She's not going to go pro. She's not going to get sponsored and get to quit her job. She's only skating because it's fun to play derby.

Of course, it's not just Guts. It's every Guns N Roller.

And it's every rollergirl.

GnR Readies for Betties

2009-06-02T18:55:00.000-07:00

GnR: 1
Tree: 0

To get ready for their upcoming semi-final re-bout with the Betties on the 13th, GnR has been practicing hard. Very hard. X-tremely hard.

So hard that they've been hurting themselves at practice: Hard Knox, Cherry Lipsmacker, and Smack Ya Sideways have all hurt themselves (or each other, depending on who you ask) during recent practices.

Kn0X0rs's ACL is partially torn and sprained. She won't need surgery, but she won't skate on the 13th. With her mutant healing powers, she expects to be back on her wheels for the championship bout on the 27th.

Cherry sprained her MCL (yes, there are four separate ligaments in your knee) last week but plans to skate on the 13th. (Because she's tough, dammit!)

And Smack Ya has injured her shoulder but has been practicing. She'll skate on the 13th too because "Betty gonna pay what she owe!"

The GnRs have also been working on building trust among the team. According to Mullet and November Pain, "Trust" stands for:

Tremendous
Rock-tastic
Über
Stars
Totally

(I might have misunderstood that a bit—Mullet was talking with her mouth full and Pain kept bursting out shouting "I am a champion! I am GnR!"—so it may have been: "Totally Rocking it Under Stress, Totally." Or something else entirely.)

GnR are huge Storm Large fans (who isn't?), and I've heard that Storm has apparently taken some time during her Crazy Enough run to record a special performance to inspire her favorite RCR team. Watch it here.

(Ok, maybe that performance wasn't *just* for GnR. Maybe I'm not that careful with the "facts" sometimes. But really, this isn't a "journalism" kinda blog. The internets are cluttered enough with those already.)

Tickets on Sale for the GnR vs. BnB REMATCH

2009-06-01T08:46:00.000-07:00

GnR gets another shot at making dreams happen, June 13th at the Hangar. The Rockers of Rose City will face off against the Breakneck Betties in this semi-final game for the Rose City Rollers Season Championship title.

The winner of this bout will play the winner of the Heathers v. High Rollers game for the Championship title.

Tickets are on sale. (Or you can buy them from one of us!)

Saturday, June 6th 6pm High Rollers v. Heartless Heathers

Saturday, June 13th 6pm GUNS 'N ROLLERS v. Breakneck Betties

Bout 6 Pix!

2009-05-26T08:50:00.000-07:00

Here are a few pix I pulled from the set pdxsharkey took during last weekend's bout. (Mouse over images to enlarge.)

I forgot to mention in the last post that RollaReina also jams:

Reina jams.

She hits too:

Reina hits.

Smack Ya tears it up:

Smack Ya tears it up.

Hard Knox gets ready to pass the star to Smack Ya:

Passing the star.

I trust that Rhea's wheels aren't touching the track infield. Blocking while out of play like that would be cheating, wouldn't it? :P

Blocking while out of play?

My current derby crush, Guts & Bolts, works her way through the pack:

Guts & Bolts.

Chicks wearing mouth guards are sexy.

Aurora Brutalis and Smack Ya open the lane for Blood Clottia (who thanks Brutes with a quick squeeze). Meanwhile, Cher The Pain appears to enjoy a relaxing afternoon at the Oaks Park hangar. (jokes, sheeesh)

Blood Clottia keeps in touch with her blockers.

Now you want to look at the rest of the pix? They're here. Enjoy!

Thanks again, pdxsharkey!

Bout 6: GNR Rock Betties, Score Fewer Points

2009-05-18T19:50:00.000-07:00

The Guns N Rollers expected to spend Saturday night at the Oaks Park Hangar trading off wailing guitar riffs and extended drum solos. What they found, unfortunately, was that they'd crashed a cotillion hosted by the Breakneck Betties. And despite their best rock-and-roll efforts, they couldn't do more than shake up the Betties' party a bit.

The Betties broke out early with thirty-plus unanswered points—nothing gives away points like sitting your jammer in the naughty box. But GNR rallied hard during the middle of the first period, and they came close enough I thought they might bite the Betties on their pretty red-pantied asses.

And then the second period.

No matter how GNR muscled and sweat their way through every jam, not enough points went on the board, often because they were skating without a jammer. And demon-from-hell Rhea DeRange picked up points as easy as buttercups. [Note]Hey. When Rhea skates for the Wheels of Justice, I cheer as loud as anyone for her, but when she skates against GNR, she's a demon from hell. Alright?[Note] It seemed as though they couldn't get a break, that every call was against them, and that their jammer sat in the box simply for not being nice. It was as though cosmic disturbances, unseasonal sunspot activity, and the clandestine efforts of disgruntled hotel managers throughout the United States (fed up with years of humiliation at the hands of head-banging rockers) all conspired to keep GNR from scoring as many points as the Breakneck Betties.

(Maybe it's time now for GNR to review their contract with Satan?)

The Good Stuff:

GNR did bring the Rock.

It's just that "rock" ≠ "points." (I do believe that a petition is being circulated to fix this).

It's no surprise that Blood Clottia brought another Monsters-of-Rock performance jamming as well as blocking. Aurora Brutalis

Aurora Brutalis lit up the Hangar with several of her own brilliant jams. Punchkin

Scrimmage Friday 8 May

2009-05-09T20:22:00.000-07:00

The scrimmage last night between GNR and an assortment of Washington State skaters was lots of awesome.

Grace Lightning—who's been out with a broken foot—is back in her own skates and is knocking other chicks out of theirs.

Both of GNR's newly drafted skaters were on the track: Sugar & Vice blocked in several jams, and Guts & Bolts took several spins as jammer.(And if they aren't Fresh Meat anymore, just what sort of meat are they?)

Cherry Lipsmacker's campaign to get Vixen Mary back into a GNR jersey was a short one with Vixen also skating last night. (Derby's a hard habit to kick. Didn't November Pain "retire" once?)

GNR also fielded a skater who—aside from pink spats and a jet black dye job—bore a striking resemblance to that Cadillac who skates with those pretty Breakneck Betties. The similarity was a coincidence, I'm sure.

And anyone who missed the scrimmage also missed the skating of some robot-sent-from-the-future-to-destroy-us-all that they brought down from north of the Columbia. She sped, skipped, juked, hopped, slipped, skidded, and twisted through the pack like she was born with wheels for feet. I think at one point the GNR blockers threw Axl Blows at her just to knock the derby-bot out of bounds.

Uh-may-zing.

And only five bucks. (Which is cheap. Axl's fifty.)

Injury Updates

2009-05-09T19:46:00.000-07:00

GNR skaters currently out with injuries:

Itzo EZ will be out for the rest of the season after ACL surgery.
Her physical therapy is going well, and if she doesn't think anyone's watching, she might mope a little while everyone else skates.
Mullet (sans Bullet mais toujours avec le mullet) has had surgery on a ruptured achilles tendon, so she'll be wearing a cast for the next few weeks.
Doctors have refused to integrate a skate (or even just a wheel) into her cast, and she won't be able to get back into skates until it comes off. Expect 3-4 months recovery time.
On the other hand, she has got herself a new moped, so bonus points for sightings of Mullet-in-cast-on-moped.
Gwen'nich Mean Time is also out while her back is "all messed up." (No, I couldn't find a Wikipedia link to that. Sorry.)

Please do what you can to prevent these skaters from suffering excessively while they watch their other teammates skate. (Experiencing some discomfort is unfortunately an expected part of the recovery process.)

New Skaters Drafted

2009-05-09T15:53:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to the two skaters that GNR drafted earlier this week!

Joining GNR from Fresh Meat are Sugar & Vice and Guts & Bolts. These two promise to add a little more butt and a lot more rock to the GNR line up.

Sugar & Vice comes on primarily to add more blocking to the GNR pack.

I've also heard that she likes long walks on the beach, kittens, and pie. (Okay. I haven't really heard any of that.)

Guts & Bolts was also drafted, and we should look for her to start stepping up to the jammer line soon.

She has a degree in Interdimensionsal Relations. And she likes pie. (Lying again. Sorry.)

I trust that GNR isn't choosing its draft picks based on how closely the skaters' names follow the "Guns & Rollers" model like both "Sugar & Vice" and "Guts & Bolts" here do.

I'm fine with them liking pie though.